Friday, September 21, 2007

What Daddy Doesn't know.

Read me a bedtime story.

once upon a time,
there was a little girl
who fell down a well.
she couldn't swim,
so she floated at the top with the mosquitoes.

they taught her survival.

she grew to love the smell of algae
and thought she might just stay at the bottom
sucking fish eggs and belching guppies.

my daddy doesn't know me.
he doesn't know his little girl gives
head like an MVP.
he didn't hear the rumor that she was easy
when she was really just needy,


sucking away like the mosquitoes
taught her to
to fill their empty spaces with anyone
willing to
give her
one night
one hour
or one glance
at her body
charging boys behind dumpsters to view
her scars
her scars
charging men their mortality for the
touching of her wounds
my wounds

because no one ever became president
after fucking me
or even a generally decent human
you start digging through that rubble,
you'll have nightmares for weeks,
so put down the shovel
and come to bed.

promise me there are no monsters under my bed-
or in between my thighs.

my daddy doesn't know that there are
girls standing in corners
hiding fistfuls of semen
waiting to be old enough to know what
to do with it.
he doesn't know there are
girls who kiss girls
who are afraid to kiss boys because
boys might just snatch the smile right
off your face.
he doesn't know there are girls that
sleep under grandma quilts.
stained comforters.
and men that remind them of

it is the irony in searching for
salvation in the enemy
and the paradox in assuming that every
man you'll ever sleep with
is the enemy

and i have not had the heart to tell
my daddy
that there are girls who have shaken
hands with the devil
and i hear he steals fingernails,
making it very difficult for the girls
at the bottoms of wells
to claw their way out eventually.

my daddy asks me
what happened to my little girl
the one who used to dance on my feet?

i tell him she totes guns in her eyes
awaiting approaching disasters
like car bombs on cruise control.
she speaks in drips
and while you have stopped speaking
the mosquitoes are evolving
the fish taught me to swim
i feel my escape nearing
and i say

the devil can have my fingernails

cause i've still got

my teeth.

**My father, was never really my father. He was a man that would come around every so often, and basically kidnap me from my mother and take me to Winston Salem, NC. That was approximately 4 hours away from Rocky Mount. I hated waking up on the days I knew he was coming. He would get me 4 hours away from everything I loved to basically disappear on me. I wouldn't see him again until it was time to go back to Rocky Mount.

He'd leave me with her. That evil wench of a woman who resented me as a child. You know something has gotta be wrong with a woman that will resent a child. Well she did and she clearly added to my distaste of being at my father's.

The last time I saw him, was May of 2002. That was 5 years ago. Things got a little different between us when I got older. The calls stopped coming on birthdays and holidays and the money definitely stopped. My mother never took out child support, but whenever I needed something, he's provide. I guess he figured that could be his love and he wouldn't have to invest anything else into my growth as a person.

But after I graduated high school, he went MIA. Telling me he was going to send me money and never did. Just all kinds of false promises. Then the calls just stopped all together. No contact whatsoever. Not even an answer when I'd call. So I was pretty much over my father.

Then he decides to call on my birthday and on the message tell me that he is sorry for missing my call. He missed more than just one call. He missed about 3 years, if you count from the last time we were in contact. be cont.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Yes ladies and gentlemen. The day has arrived.

Let's not talk about my outfit because it was unworthy, ha.

Let's talk about how I got up at the crack of dawn to make it in to work. I stayed late and then had my dinner plans at Dip. Benz didn't come. I was so mad. But hey, I did get to spend time with him and he couldn't come because of work, so there was a good excuse.

At the last minute, I invited Ross. So it was just Chad, Ross and I. We had some great Greek fondue, drinks, and what have you. We shared decent conversations. Chad claims that it's always awkward around Ross. But things were cool.

Chad had to leave early, so Ross and I stayed, had another drink and walked and talked. It was nice to catch back up with him. He accepted a position as the fashion editor at some hip hop magazine and was telling me that he wanted to give me that position and work under me. I would really love for that to happen. But you know that feeling you get sometimes when you figure someone is just saying something because it sounds good instead of saying it and meaning it. Thats how I felt about him saying that to me.

Either way, it was a good birthday night.

Day Seven


Why is day 7 not my birthday? I don't know. But it's a Sunday. I slept in, again. I woke around 7:48, which is when my niece wanted me to call her. I asked her the night before if she wanted me to be the first one to tell her happy birthday and she said yes. So when I asked her what time to call, she told me 8:48 am. Well, I guess she couldn't wait because she got me before I could get her.

Well, we spoke briefly and I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 12 something and did the whole wake and bake. Then I proceeded to chill around the house. I was going to a book festival of sorts, but I was being too lazy. That's my problem on the weekend. Being too tired to even get up and go to places. Just wanting to laze around.

I put on some light blue denim jeans, red and white polka dot shirt with grey blazer and red trunk belt.

I left the house to head to the book thing, but I figured, hey...why not mini shop. It's my birthday weekend! So I found a top to wear for the party and some shoes. I left from shopping and headed to see Chad and Jake, who cooked for me. I was super excited because we were going to eat and fly kites all evening lol. My 2 fave things!

So we ate our food, took mad pics, flew some kites, ate some more and took even more pics. The boys also got me a bottle of Grey Goose. Mmmm. Gotta love that. The night was too funny. Senitmentalllllllllllllll. hahaha. oh chad is hilarious. After that, we all left. Them, to go to the club, me, to go home. Once I got home, I put on some music and got ready for my big day.

Day Six

Gotta love Saturday.

Oh man, was I excited to sleep in on this day. The week had me feeling weak, so I slept until 12 or so. Jumped out of bed because it was nice out. I thought it was going to be rainy and gross and it wasn't, so before the sky had a chance to turn black, I did my laundry. Ha, some birthday treat! But if I didn't do it that day, I'd never do it.

Laundry took a few hours. I managed to read ll the way thru the book of poetry I bought for myself the night prior. While at the laundromat, I noticed a lot more things than I usually notice. It was like my 3rd eye was open, lol! Well, I saw a man, writing poetry that I tried to read over his shoulder, but it didn't quite work. hmph. I wanted to know what he had to say.

Then there was a little Indian girl with her mother. She kept bothering her mother and her mother wasn't very attentive. So I guess that's why the little girl was being so worrysome. The girl took a hint, I guess, sat down and started playing "Smack That" on her mother's cell phone. Oh man, that was funny to me! A little Indian girl about 7 years or younger playing "Smack That". And jammin to it too!

So then when I got home, the laziness set in and plus I knew I had more juicy, so I kinda wanted to lay around all day and fly kites, if you catch my drift. So I made me some breakfast and chilled a bit, then when I was about to light it up, Chad called wanting to see a dance show. I did want to leave the house today, but I was just being lazy. By the time I looked up at the clock after getting off the phone, I noticed that it was 5pm.

The show started at 7:30 pm, so I had to be ready to leave the house by 6. I did a pretty good job of getting ready by 6:15, i thought (considering I did fly a kite a lil bit before I left). Dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, black pointy toe flats, yellow dress, black sweater, leopard belt, earrings, and scarf, I was ready to go. I invited Benz to come with and of course, he invited the Italian chick. Ugh. This is the chick he left me on Thursday night to go sleep with. I am noticing a recurring theme here. Someone likes the ladies a lil tooooo much.

Oh well. I am running late, so when I get to WTC, I call Benz to see where he is. I have 30 minutes to get there. I ask him to come get me, but he doesn't know how to get to WTC and says I can make it. So I hop on the train, just to ride it to 14th and get a cab from there. I finally hail a cab and traffic is a mess. I call Chad, he hasn't gone in yet, but you can tell he is losing his patience. Chad loves the dance. LOL.

So the cab gets me there with 3 minutes to spare before 7:30 and Benz is nowhere in sight. I call, and he says he is close. Chad and I go in, only to be told cash only. Chad had it, but I didn't so I leave to go across the street for cash. Meanwhile I look for Benz and I don't see him, so I call. He is inside. When I head down the stairs, I see him looking up at me and for a split second, I know I made him smile. He saw me and it was almost as if those beautiful green eyes sparkled for me.

Chad was already inside because he didn't want to miss a thing. Benz and I finally got in. I was happy because there I was with my Benzy and there was no Italian chick in sight. SCORE! We surprisingly found seats right behind Chad on this bench. I was happy that we got to sit together.

The show started with a bang. The very first one was great. It was a solo piece. Very moving. As the show continued, I continued to be unimpressed by some, but taken aback by many. There were some hugely talented dancers and some that were nothing to go gaga over. Benx kept texting most of the time and I was wondering why he was doing that. Turns out lil Miss Italian was on her way, but lost. Double Ugh!

He ended up getting up and using his phone while the show was on, but whilst we waited on another performance to start. Then he went out and used his phone. She is on her way, I thought. Great. After a while, he comes back in, with her. I could care less about her at this point, turn around to see him wave. I thought he was waving goodbye and I got mad and turned around. Then I gave him a lil wave.

I was being a hater. I regular Ducky. You see, Ducky is his best friend and she loves him more than friends. You can tell. But obv. he doesn't want Ducky or me for that matter because he knows he could easily have us, but he hasn't tried.

Dah well. So yes I was hating. I didn't look at her, but I invited her to come sit down. At this point I was indeed looking at her. She assured that she was fine and she didn't want to walk all in front of everyone. Ugh, whatever. Benz sat down and this silly ass chick stood in the back for the rest of the performance.

We ended up making plans to go drink A Blockhead's. We sat outside once we got there, ordered drinks and waited on Jake. She was being like a child with him. "I think you should give me a kiss" etc etc. All giggly and what not. GAG. Ok, so maybe I am still hating, but it was stupid. After we got our eat and drink on, we went out separate ways.

Benz invited me with him and her, I declined to go with Chad and Jake. Either way I would have felt like a 3rd wheel, but at least I know both Chad and Jake and them being together doesn't rub me the wrong way like it does with him and someone that doesn't deserve him. But I get the feeling that my hating ways will be pressed upon every girl that comes into his life romantically, morphing me into Ducky-ness.

I don't want it to be that way. i just want to be happy with who he chooses. He is a great guy that deserves an amazing girl. I think what makes me mad the most is that I feel like he is selling himself short just to have someone. Ooh well.

So Chad, Jake and I set out for 2 different bars. One was packed tight with hardly any service and the next one was packed just as tight. We stayed, Jake provided me with beers, and proceeded to get sick outside on someone's car and Chad and I continued to dance. LOL Some friends we are. We left shortly after. i called for some booty, but none was delivered. So I went home. Alone. Flied the kite a lil bit and got ready for my birthday's eve.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Day Five

Fridayyyy! 9/14-07

I decided to put together a white shirt and light blue jeans with a pink sweater and pink, grey and blue tie. I wore pink flats and pink gumball sized earrings. It was tres cute.

So work went surprisingly well considering the amount of drinks I'd had the night before. I came bright eyed and bushy tailed. And it just reminded how young I am that I can do that. Heh. Good feeling.

Well after work I made plans last minute with Katrina to get some juicy, dinner and Nuyorican for a Poetry Slam. We meet up in the Lower East Side, walk around for a bit until we see Benny's Burritos. The name is something hardly to call home for, but it smelled good and there was outside seating. So we went.

Serive was terrible, margaritas and salsa was watered down and the food was nothing to be desired. I wasted $22. I'm like whatever, let's get this juicy ;). So homeboy comes to where we are, but didn't tell us that he only did above 50. We send him on his way, just to think about it and call him back later. He obliges after some Katrina sweet talking. We just gotta meet him wayyy uptown by 77th and 1st. We take a cab. Get there in less than 10 minutes. Oh man, I never noticed how great cabs were in that respect. So we get it and it's great. Flew my kite and all. And we head to Nuyo. We're running late, so by the time we get there, it's PACKED.

We ended up sitting on the floor. The show was absolutely amazing. It must feel good to be a part of something so talented, so beautiful, so loving. I wished that for myself. These people are around my age, some older, and the way they write is seriously unmatched.

Katrina had me cracking up because we were both in pain on the floor and they kept bringing up more poets. She kept making lil joke comments about how someone said something about a break. LOL. It was so funny. Either way. I was more inspired than ever, bought a book, and went home. No before flying another kite though.

End of Day 5. What a feeling.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Day Four


I wore a black button up collared shirt with a lavendar tie and button earrings. I wore a pair of 7even jeans and black pointy toe flats. The day started pretty much like any other. I was excited because tonight, Benz would be joining in on the festivities.

After work, I headed over to Naked Lunch, the typical Thursday night destination with some coworkers. Let me tell you, they were lining up to buy me drinks. i coulnd't be happier. :) So after the 4th or 5th, I stopped counting and up pops Benz. Chad had been there at this point.

Usually we sit outside, shooting the breeze, eating and what not. But it got kinda chilly, so we stayed pretty much at the bar all night. Naked Lunch is pretty incognito, so there weren't many people there, mostly just Ogilvy.

Benz kept hitting on Galina all night. That didn't bother me, it was just that fact that Benz has to be interested in someone at every point of everyday and that irritates me. However, maybe I wanted him all to myself and that was what was irritating.

Well, after a series of vodka pineapples, shots and chicken, we were off to our next destination. Bar 13 for Pop Rocks. That's where Benz was throwing out $18 tips and repeating, "it's nothing!!!" So I tried calming him down by buying the next round and sitting him down. Then he announced that he was leaving. Italian girl. Hmph.

I walk him to the train and come back, finsih my drink, do the terrace appearance, and head to the usual suspect...Taco Bell. We get our food, but not before I hit on Issa, the cashier and Jake tries to hook us up. It doesn't work. I think we scared her.

Eat. Then home sweet bed. :) Great Day.

Day Three


I wore dark denim jeans with a beige lacey top and brown vest. I looked cuter than I felt. It was a pretty slow day for me. I didn't really have anything planned, so I went to Brooklyn after work and got my nail fixed, went to the grocery store, then tried to see my niece and nephew but their father wouldn't pick up the phone or answer the door.

So I went to get my mother a money order and I gave the man $40 for a $30 money order and when I saw that change he sat on the counter, it took all that was in me, not to widen my eyes and gape my mouth open.

There, lying on the counter, was $50 some odd dollars. Before he could get a second look, I scooped up the cash, put it in my wallet, wished him a good day, and was out there door with a pep in my step.

All I did that night was go home and cook. Woopty doo. But I guess the highlight was the $50 some odd dollars. Woo hoo!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Day Two

Day 2...9/11-07

Interesting day to say the least. The 6th anniversary of 9/11. The day has a sad undertone. It was gloomy and a bit rainy. But, I tried to remain positive and no, not solely for the selfish reason of birthday madness, but for the reason of me being so down lately that I didn't want to be down for my birthday week, or anymore for that matter. Yeah I know, selfish in sheep's clothing.


So, that say, I wore grey jeans with a black tank top and blueish colored open shirt with a black patent trunk belt and black patent peep toes. I thought I looked cute. Good thing I dressed that ay because halfway thru the day, this girl Chad and I met at this event last year emailed us to a Marc Jacobs party.

I was tres excited because I knew it would be liquor galore. Now, the story I am about to tell you is not fake or make believe. It happened. I am copy pasting this from an instant message because frankly, I am far too lazy to type it all out again.

so yeah, the invite was saying come sober, leave on a heightened sense or whatever right. so we knew the bar would be on point usually at these events, the bar stays open for like an hour, but at this event, it was open all night. all top shelf vodka, gin and tequila, they had a shot guy on the side, giving out the strong ass shots with bread to chase and all kinds of beer and people handing out these fancy hors'devours.

so the bff and i stood for a while by the door where they were coming out with drinks already made on trays and snatching them up lol. we got DRUNK

well the party was in this nice ass loft in chelsea, you know right around 23rd. it was HUGE, and set up like an artist's work studio, paint was everywhere, evidence that the artist had just finished painting. kinda set up like urban outfitters, around where the shoes are, looked lived in. well the artist was displaying his new collection which was all about war and pop culture.

marc ecko was like the curator, so there are models everywhere, designers, movers and shakers in the fashion world. the best part, there was a paris and angelina jolie look alike there. and they were taking pics and up pops marc hoppin in pics with them. im over there laughing and he comes up to me, and says what the fuck is up with these look alikes.

i froze.

Then he told me the angelina one asked who he was and I was like WTFFF?! How do you know not Marc Ecko? He then he put his arm around me and we started laughing and joking about them. omg i was like is this for real. im laughing it up with marc ecko.

well there was this tshirt designer there who i absolutely adore his work, and i said hey i love your shirts. and he gave me a weird look. then later when marc came over to me again and was talking to me, of course he walks up (queen sheba-tshirt guy) iand is all hugged up with me and laughing and talking all bc marc and i were like buddy buddy

it was unbelieveable. i was mad at first, but i soaked it up, let qu een sheba think i was someone important. so after getting my drink on, officially hanging out with marc ecko, i decided to go. i went over to marc to tell him bye and congratulate him on fashion week and what not, and he looked at me, grabbed my face and was like, we totally vibed tonight. did you feel that? i was like yeahhh. :-) then he kissed me on the cheek and said, see you at the next one..

Jealous? yeah...I would be too. Day 2 ROCKED my socks. Woke up drunk this morning. Discombobulated. Sore back. Don't know where that came from, perhaps some drunken pose in my sleep.

Dani Week-Day One

Ok, so it is actually Day 3. hehe But you know how I am about my blogging.

Anyway. Day 1 was 9/10, a Monday. I was wearing black shorts, black tank top with a purple and white striped button up and wore point toe black flats.

The day started well, I felt good and energized when I woke up. I was even on time for work. :) Work went by pretty fast and Chad sent me an invite to an event that we later attended that evening. It was bad from the start.

I waited outside in line for 30 minutes before they opened up. I was there for the free drinks and the open bar closed at 8, it was after 7. The line finally started moving by 7:30 and I went in...JUST to find out that the bar wasn't open as of yet.

It was a magazine launch party, so I grabbed the magazine and sat down to go thru it. I always feel awkward and like a self conscious teenager at these events. I don't just all of a sudden hits me and I'm like whoa. Anti-social mode.

The event wasn't great after that. It was open bar for about 30 minutes, then the DJ attempted to play songs and mix like a real dj, but failed miserably. I mean, I really couldn't complain because I got 2 free weak drinks and all I could eat cold appetizers. One of the servers even brought me a plate. I didn't know how I felt about that. o_O

I met the editor and told her I wanted to write for her. She loved it and gave me a card. So, I did get a present on day one. Oooh and let's not forget my brand new business cards that came in. :) It's off to a rocky start of Dani Week, but I have high hopes.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Love...the heck is that?

Today, a coworker announced in all giddyness, her engagement. There has been word thru the office that she has actually been expecting it because her and her boyfriend, now fiancee have been together for some time. Hearing women talk about engagement after a certain point in relationships got me wondering. Is being engaged an expected right of passage for women in relationships?

Well, Ms. D walked in proud this morning with her left ring finger sparkling like the sun was following her around like Fonzworth Bentley and her smile even brighter. I glanced at the ring, but I was more interested in her heart, her feelings, what made her know that saying yes was the right thing to do? When I heard other women talking about her ring, I thought,'s not necessarily about the ring. I got irritated because I feel as though women have degraded engagement to a ring status.

When did we spend more time and categories analyzing a diamond than we did analyzing our love? When did the rind take precedence over the love?

Love to me is more important than a ceremonial segue way. Love is a losing battle, love is a battlefield, love is...some complicated bullshit.

How am I supposed to believe and trust in love when I have no strong marriages to look up to within my family? When I have a father that doesn't even love me? When I have friends who claim love and do the opposite to their significant other? When the people who are supposed to love me most, hurt me, betray me and pretty much forget I exist until they need me? When the first experience of romantic love was a all around lie, from who (s)he claimed to be to how (s)he claimed to love me?

I'd say I am not even supposed to believe in love at this point. I should have just invested in 12 cats and called it a day. The realist in me would have just poured herself into her work, hobbies, whatever that could make it all just fade to black. But the dreamer in me stood up and took a stand. The dreamer in my left a piece of my heart to be healed and loved. I can't believe something is still in my chest insisting it was made for more than pumping blood. But it's there. The hope, is there. The desire, is there.

But the caring for it, is lost. I want to know how to heal from my past so that I can move on with my future. I want to know how to not blame everything around me including my experiences or outside factors. I want to blame myself. I want to grow up and take responsibility for my actions and learn from my mistakes finally. I want that wide-eyed bushy-tailed look. I want to feel the rush of a crush. I want to fall in love with love. Again.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Soooo not worth it. Or is it?

DC boo...hmm, bet you're DYING to be filled in, right. Well here we go. I was kinda MIA this past weekend, having a freakin blast...which I will indeed blog about. But I wasn't too available for DC boo. Not that he was calling or anything, but I did make it a point to text him throughout my day. Evidently me trying wasn't good enough. He hit me with the okie doke on Sunday, talking about he thinks it better if we remain friends.

During our talk, we got a lot of the negative things out the way and figurerd that was what was wrong with our relationship. Then I mentioned reasons why I felt we shouldn't be together. I really don't know why I mentioned it, but it was in a different context. I was trying to let him know those reasons and tell him that I cared so much that I disregarded. Or maybe I was telling him that so that I wouldn't feel so hurt by his decision to be friends. My memory fails me.

Either way, he cried. Of course we were on the phone, so I couldn't see the tears, but I felt them. They actually melted my heart. I don't know if this is something he does for kicks, but I was pulled back in. We decided that being together was way better than being friends.

So after a few frustrations, we swing back into things like they were. He at one point requested that I be available to him earlier during the week, not only so we could talk more, but so that I can get to bed on time. So I obliged him on that and came home earlier.

However, he still didn't call until 12 or so. On this past Tuesday, we were texting and he says BRB @ 9:30-ish. Well, I just sit and watch TV and when I realize it's been some time, I am irritated because all that keeps playing in my head is him saying he wishes that we could talk earlier in the week. I made myself available and it didn't matter to him. So the messages I send him are not pleasant.

He finally returns at 12:30. I am livid! He had an asthma attack and got mad at me because my first reaction was to attack him. However, he could have easily said "BRB asthma issue". But I was left not knowing what was going on. Granted, I could have been concerned, but I didn't know I had to considering I had no idea where he went.

7/20 and just now finishing this up....

Well we have had a heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride. Back and forth we seem to go. Once I am comfortable and settled into this relationship, he pulls the rug from under me again and I am lost. Then once again sweet talks/explains his way back into my heart. It's nerve-racking to deal with this because once I decide that I am ready to leave him alone, he pulls be back into his magic.

It's almost like I just can't leave him alone. It's like I am am caught in the matrix. Something happens that I don't like, we talk about it, and move forward. And in typing this, I guess I realized that that's what happens in relationships. There is conflict, you maturely communicate about these conflicts then you move on and learn from whatever the verdict was. I feel as though I am so quick to want to dismiss the whole relationship when something happens that I don't like.

I am a serial relationshipist. Wow. Except the difference with this one is, I just can't get out. So, it must be worth it.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Sex, Lies, and Videotape.

I have been talking to Colombian still and just craving him as much as ever. But my feeling for Colombian have morphed into JUST sex. Granted, that's what it was from Day 1. But I know I am starting to distance myself from him. I know he is starting to have a twinge of feeling for me, however...

When I get there, I immediately run to the bathroom and went I come out, he is rolling up. YES! So we go and smoke, talk, and chill. In the midst of talking, I was telling him about an ex boo and he was like, they all want you, don't they? I said...pretty much LOL.

So we decide to go look at some pictures of him from back in the day when he had hair LOL. I have been on and off my phone all night at this point and he said, are you gonna be on that all night? I said, possibly. You could tell he was kinda jealous about me constantly on my phone. Or maybe it was just that is was rude on my part.

So we're looking at albums and at one point, he stopped talking and he was just staring at the pics and I looked to see what he was staring at and it was a photo of his baby mother and his kid. I realized something at that moment. He is just fucking me. Repeatedly. I will never been in a photo album in his mother's house. I will be a memory, but I will never be a milestone in his life.

I was there for sex, so of course I was still gonna make it do what it do, but that realization played with my state of mind. We showered, seperately and proceeded to get freaky. It was getting good as usual, but then I don't know if my conscious was speaking to me because of DC boo or God or what, but all of a sudden, I wanted it to be over. I stopped responding to him like I usually do and I wouldn't tell him all the things he begs to hear during sex. I was just there. I never do that. I wanted it to be over! Finally it was and I just lay there and I fell asleep. I guess a few minutes passed and he woke me.

I then proceeded to clean up and leave. We shared a few intimate moments of kissing, touching, gazing, but even that was forced on my part. I left feeling as though that was the last time we would do what we do. I knew he wasn't satisfied with how it went, he just didn't express it. Oh well. I need to be more faithful. If this is going to work for DC boo and I, I need to make it work. I need to be more trustworthy, in turn I could possibly trust more....we shall see.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I kinda like that title. Very simple...but cute. You know, like Linens-n-things. Anyways...I had a photo shoot this weekend. I just love the way that sounds. Makes me feel all important and like a model-n-thing. :) let me tell you all about it. I guess I should set you up with how I got involved...

It all started on a stormy afternoon in my college dorm room back in Greenville, NC. No, it really did! I was sitting around the dorms, bored and decided to hop on That was the hot site back then, freshman year LOL. Anyways, I got on there and I met this guy that was really serious about BBW's. For those of you who don't know, you better ask somebody! BBW is an acronym for Big Beautiful Women.

Ok, so this guy was serious about BBW as far as modeling, acting, etc. He found out through talking to me that I was in school for theatre and wanted me to be involved in a movie he was trying to put together. I said no. LOL People are way too crazy in this world today and I ain't got time to be messing around with them!

So after years of saying no to him, I move up here to NYC to do my thang and he finds me again after I randomly sign on yahoo messenger. He tells me that he is working on a BBW magazine and he is doing photo shoots all over the country. I figure since I am in the cespool of modeling/acting/whatever you can do to get your name in lights, that NYC was going to be one of his stops. Sure enough he tells me he is coming here and asks if I would like to be a part of the photo shoot. This time I say yes.

He asks me to be there early, around 2 so that we can talk about the magazine and possibly give me some test shots. Of course, me being me, I show up at 2:45 and homeboy ain't even there! But a short, round woman named Precious She is scantily clad in black tights, black halter (no bra), complete with back fat, black flats, black fedora, wig, and sunglasses. She breathed as if she was snoring.

Now, imagine all of this. This woman was telling me that this wasn't on of her outfits and that she dresses provacative anyway. She was also telling me how much she was hit on on her way there. Mind you, she told me that she can't stand up for long or walk long distances. I don't know...something about that says guys aren't necessarily checking for her. But she says they are and therefore I can't knock a woman with self confidene, even if it IS dillusional.

Either way, time just kept on passing by and it was almost 4 at this point and Shai (my poetry friend) had just arrived. After chatting it up and laughing it up with Shai and Precious (you know, having that big girl talk) Precious evidently had worked up an appetite. I had cosigned and said that I was hungry as well.

Precious said, "would you like some cake?" I was like CAKE?! WTF!? You have some cake with you...thinking it was like homeade 6 layer chocolate cake that she was going to pull out of her purse. Precious proceeded to pull out a bag from her suitcase filled with Lil Debbie snack cakes. I was too happy that she had one of my favorites...strawberry shortcake, BUT I was mad that she fulfilled a stereotype LOL. I mean all those cakes in her bag....outa control!

But yes, Precious then showed Shai and I her 6-inch stillettos that would go well with her lace and feather laden lingerie that she was going to be wearing in her photos. I was like, this chick is OD!!! WOW. Then when it finally came time to take photos (when homeboy finally showed up) Precious Love left...without a word. The mystery is yet to be figured out. Was she self conscious about her clothes that she brought, was she pissed that she had been there since 12:30...the world may never know. But what I DO know is that I am glad I missed that whole 6-inch heel, feather, lace and hat/shades/wig photo session.

Well, the makeup artist was also late, so Shai did my makeup. I was happy with it until I saw the eyes. I didnt make a big deal about it, but I wih I would have because I HATE silver anything on my eyes. And there was definitely some silver eyes going on. The first girl did her thing with her two outfits and next up was yours truly. I was SO nervous. My smile felt forced, nothing felt natural.

The photographer was like, what were you wearing when you got here? I told him a white tank and shorts. He asked me to put it on, and I did with my white wedge heels. He took pics with that outfit...mind you I was only supposed to get 2 changes. Oh well, I wasn't complaining! LOL So we took a few shots there and in the midst of me changing into my last outfit...Shai got irritated and left bc she said I was getting treated differently.

Then these 3 other ROUGH looking chicks came in from Boston. He took me up on the roof and did all my shots for that dress up there. I absolutely loved them. I was only supposed to pic 15 shots, I picked 25. LOL I was again, NOT hating. I said I can't just pick 15, he said don't worry about it. So I didn't LOL.

I don't know why I got treated better than everyone else, but I was indeed loving it. I want to do it more often. I think he created a MONSTA!

Friday, June 22, 2007

It's like a wave.

Have you ever gotten sad for seemingly no reason at all? I am sooo sick of this coming and going feeling that now comes more than it goes.

It's like a wave. You know when you standing in the ocean, because that's what I do when I go to the beach, I stand. I don't swim. Ha! I am in waist deep, nothing more and I stand there and let the waves hit me. One right after another. I still remain standing, no matter how much the wave push and pull me, I stand and I laugh. A lot.

These waves of depression are just like those waves in the ocean. I stand there and I remain still, seemingly unaffected and unattached so that when they push me to and fro, I endure it and wait til it passes. I don't laugh in the face of the waves of depression though. I hide my face in my pillow at night and I cry. They are usually wild tears and I have NEVER in my life cried wild tears like these.

Gut wrenching, breath gasping, agonizing moans and groans kinda tears. Tears when I cry, the pain is in the pit of my stomach. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these tears, they are actually very beautiful. However, where are they coming from? It would seem like something that's going on in life, in your head, or in general would cause them, however my sobs caused me to think there was something wrong with my life, head, or me in general.

Something is eating me alive and leading me to believe I am depressed. I don't know what that something is, but I don't like it very all. :( I try to detach my feelings from any and everything so that I won't feel the pain coming and going, but...that isn't working all that well.

However the detachment I feel is starting to get to me.
...To be continued.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The things I get myself into...

So, it is my belief that something is wrong with 90% of men. I realize that such a strong statement needs strong back up, so I will provide. Either I have something stamped on my forehead in day glo paint saying, "Please men screw me over. And over. And over. I like it like that" OOORRR something is wrong wtih me. But it's not the same consistent problem with men, it's sporadic events and issues. haha

The latest makes for an epic of a blog. So, after the Puerto Rican Festival, CT, JA, and I went to eat in Harlem @ Picante. CT and I have been there before and know how cheap they are, but how bad their service is, but its tolerable because of the cheap food. However, their food doesn't seem to have much taste, to me...besides the point.

So while there, they were making their plans for the evening. And they did NOT include me, so your girl had to find something to do. The mood I was in was telling me to find SOMEONE to do. I have one major booty call that I have had for some time now and that's Colombian, but he hasn't called since the last I guess slowly and surely he is exited stage right out of my life.

So I began making calls and realized that I don't have much of a little black book anymore. Am I becoming a committed type? Colombian has been my longest booty call and pretty much longest realtionship. So...I don't have many NY booty calls I can just ring up and go get. Not many of my booty calls ended well, come to think of it. They either wanted more and I didn't or wanted less whilst I wanted more.

So anyways...with that set up...I will move on to the story. After the dinner, we went our separate ways. I was trying to call my sister because he fiance's lil brother was having a birthday party and Trini's party HARD, so I was going to make my way there. However, I rode the 1 downtown a few stops and some young thangs I saw at the festival got on the train. Within minutes, homegirl across from me was vomiting what looked like red Kool-Aid all over the floor in front of her and I. I started to get up and get off the train, I didn't care what stop it was. Although it worked out in my favor because I was changing to the 2 at 72nd.

As soon as I stepped off the train, I looked around and bumped into this really cute light, light skinned, bald guy. He was like..."where you going pretty?" And I said "Brooklyn." He then proceeded to hit on me and sweet talk me into coming with him out of the station. He was like, "i know of a few chill spots out drink...smoke?" LOL Now you KNOW that got me excited. I leave with him, thinking...what the's a public open space, I will be fine.

I thought this fool was going to take me to a restaurant or bar or SOMETHING. We started out just walking anf talking. It was cool because he actually seemed intelligent. We then ended up @ some store, where he offered to buy me something to drink. Then we went across the street to another store for an adult beverage. Once we had that, I went outside and waited and I said something about smoking. He said I can get you something...but he couldn't smoke because of some law suit. Fishy, right? Either way, he made a call and we were on our way...walking again.

On the way, he saw his connect and we followed him to a construction site. The guy let us in and he told me to just stand there and wait, so I did. Feeling real Bonnie and Clyde. After what seemed like forever, we left. Walked again to the same store and by this time I am getting irritated. Mind you I met homeboy at 72nd and we were at 50 something and just going in circles. FINALLY we go to this "chill out spot" of his, which I think is going to be a park or something and it's an apartment building. However, he doesn't live there, his friend does and his friends isnt answering. I am like UGHHH.

We wait outside for a hot minute, then he calls a random person and is like, can you buzz me in, I left my key. The random person buzzes us in. We go up top, being real mission impossible and start drinking and talking. I roll up. The more beer he drank, the more preacher he got on me. He started talking about how he went to jail for someone in his class saying that he was going to emulate the VT shooting. That didn't make sense to me, but I was like OK. Half the time I wasn't listening anyway because I wanted to smoke. Other half of the time, I couldn't understand because he talked like a pimp LMAO.

Seriously. When we got outside, I figured he was nice and buzzed. We sat on the roof and that's when he said,"Gotta make your next move you best move."...the most pimpinest thing you can say!! LMAO I laughed so hard and wrote the down in my phone for blog purposes! He kept right on with the pimp lines, trying to get somewhere with me. You know how it is..."baby, why not just go with the flow..." If there WAS a flow to begin with, you wouldn't have to ask me to go with it. Then there was "Baby, I have been locked up for a little bit. Can't you just..." and I cut him off. What an ass!!!

So I tried to play it smart because he was starting to get physical with me, grabbing and what not. I didnt like that at all. So I looked up my directions on my phone and I said, lets go. On the way down the stairs he turned around and wouldnt let me pass and kept asking if I was attracted to him and how I felt about him and all this other nonsense. By this time I am irritated! I just wanna go home! I yelled and stepped past him. Of course he walked me to the train but kept right on begging. I was sooo done with this guy.

We get the train, get on it and he is still asking me why can't he come home with me. Why can't we just be adults about this....Like there was something to discuss. I got off @ Park Place, however, I have never had to walk out of the station, but I did this time partly because of my frame of mind. So I stood there, got my directions, but didn't know which way to walk. So I tried to hail a cab. Oooh yeah, best believe he got off when I did, like he was coming with me.

He said, hold on, lemme use the phone right quick. So I let him use the payphone and I promptly hailed a cab and sat @ the red light facing him. I crouched down so he couldnt see me and I was off! PS...I also gave him the incorrect phone number while we were on the train LOL. I crack myself up sometimes.

But honestly, I need to be careful of the situations I get myself into...NOT ALWAYS a GOOD LOOK. Makes for interesting stories though!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Captiol Colombia?

Ok kids....its time for momma to head to DC for Memorial Weekend. I am TOO excited! I get to see my dear sweet ol' fooo'l Jose. It's gonna be like old times, but neither of us is broke like we used to be...barely able to rub two dimes together lmao! Ugh, so many jokes, ups, downs, laughter, tears, fights, just an all around wonderful relationship that we have shared. It's like a mini vacay! Can't wait!

Now...lemme spend some time telling you about my Colombian boo. His name is Juan and he is 39 and will be 40 on Sunday. Yes, I do realize that he COULD be my father, but that doesn't bother me and if it bothers you, then that's YOU. You don't have to live my life or deal with my decisions, right? Right.

So I met this man when I was visiting my sister in BK daily when I first moved here. I came to the train station, went downstairs and walked over to the chairs to have a seat and play SuDoku. He watched me from my last step on the stairs til I sat down. I was like he better be looking real hard!!! LOL I was really into my game and he says, "You like that game?" I told him I did and we started talking. I made sure to smile a lot, considering it's worth a million and all.

He got on the train with me when it came and continued talking to me. Asked me if I had a man and all, just small talk. I really enjoyed out short coversation. He had to get off the train after only a few stops and asked me for my number. I gladly gave it to him and as the door closed, us on either sides of it, we waved...he stared until he could no longer see me. It was all very sweet.

He called maybe 2 days later and we would talk every night until the wee hours of the morning. I REALLY liked this guy. He set up our first date on a Sunday. I was doing laundry and then decided to clean myself up and go see him. I met him at the train stop we first met at and we headed to Park Slope, Brooklyn. It was soooo cute in Park Slope. The air was nice, breezy, but I was nervous, so I was all sweaty lmaooo! When we got to the restuarant, I had to go to the bathroom and clean myself up.

We ordered, had great conversation, and dinner. After, we walked around and at one point, grabbed my arm, pulled me into him and we kissed. It wasn't your typical first kiss, it was very passionate, deep, like we've known each other forever. I was enamored! It got even better when he suggested that we walk around and have a few puffs. Oh man, I was thinking this dood is perfect!

We conversed while we walked and puffed. The date ended in my bedroom. We didn't do the sex, surprisingly because when I like you that much, you'll KNOW. If you catch my drift. LOL. Well we cuddled, kissed, and slept. It was nice...

But that is all we have been doing for the last 7 the sex. lmaooo But his sex is like NONE I have ever had. It is TRULY mind blowing and just all around phenomenal. I have never thought it would be like this, lol. He has taught me a lot sexually. I know thats not saying much, but I really enjoy learning ANYTHING from someone I am involved with. Well, anything beneficial.

We just have had our ups and downs...well the downs have mostly been in my mind. It's like I THINK we're together, because we are, just minus the title...and it causes me to have expectations...which in turn causes me to be frustrated when my expectactions aren't met. That's how it was happening for so long.

Finally I stopped having those expectations. I have been removing my feelings from this man because I know he doesnt want a relationship, even though thats what we have...It's just something about that title, I guess. I have detached my feelings and things are better. The sex is better than ever. However, I do believe that he may be starting to catch more feelings for me, as I'm a bit detached. I knew it would happen this way. It's kinda entertaining how that works.

I saw him last night and he was expressing his jealousy about me and anyone else when I mention it. He cannot stand hearing about other guys and I am pretty sure IF he didnt care about me, he wouldnt care about me talking about someone else. But since he does, he does care. And the fact that I can leave him in my bed with my roomie while I shower...makes me oh so happy. I just love it when my sig. other gets along with the people in my life. :) Oh well, its 1 pm and time for my vacay to begin <3>

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Pretty Young Thing.

Feels good to be pretty. LOL Seriously. I am starting to realize it more and it feels good. I was never the pretty girl, in grade school, high school and not really in college either. Although college is when I started blossoming more with my personal style and look. I got more looks and kind smiles and hellos when I was in college than I have ever gotten. And's ridiculous! I get hit on daily. I ain't bragging...I am just saying.

It is never by the type of man that I want to hit on me, but nonetheless, I gets hit on. :) It does something to my self-esteem. Sets my chin a lil higher and allows me to feel like I am doing something right when it comes to my appearance. I have this love/hate relationship with the way I look.

The love stems from the pride I take in making things look as perfect as possible and when they don' totally fucks up my mood. Not a good thing. The other morning, I was getting dressed, completely hated what I was wearing and just could not for the life of me get my hair right. My first thing that I considered was to just not go to work. LOL Terrible, I know. I have a problem. I def don't think its conceit. I am pretty certain you have to have a certain level of undeniable confidence for that.

It teeters between lack of confidence and just feeling the need to be perfect in order to be desired. I don't really know, but I know that I care far too much about my image.

The hate comes from the lack of pride I guess you can say in the way I look when I look in the mirror. I have to have everything in place for me to be happy and for my look to be complete. I hate that it takes me so long to put everything together.

Either way...people may think that I am conceited, when the truth is, it's insecurities that spawns my vanity.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Does that make me CRAAAAZYYY!? possibly.

So...I have been having all kinds of mental anguish/anxiety/attacks...oooh aliteration, how I adore thee...haha, but yeah, been feeling icky icky poo poo for a few weeks now and after diagnosing myself with mild depression, I have also decided to be my own therapist. Now, I know that sounds really...well...for lack of a better term, stupid, but personally I think I have the skills for it.

I am excellent with reason and therefore will be able to think up all angles of my problem. And no one knows your issues like you do, you know? No matter how much I reason with why I am doing what I am doing, it still sounds stupid. LOL. I will let you know how self therapy goes, though.

With that said, I have been meeting some decent guys, prolly because I have no interest in them whatsoever. It's weird. I think that might be part of my self diagnosed depression. I get hit on everyday. I have never missed a day, lol and nowadays, I hardly acknowledge it. I can say deep down, I still appreciate it, how I just igg them now and keep it moving. Like today, this guy came in to fix the toilet at my job and while he was waiting on the elevator, he was making small talk with me. (sidenote...the elevators at my job take FOREVER) The small talk progressively got more flirty. I was giggling in my head about how he was blantantly flirting, but I kept it simple and kept it platonic. He then tried once more on the elevator...when he said..."by the way, your eyebrows are PERFECT" hahaha, i laughed, the doors closed, and he was on his way.

I enjoy the fun of flirting. I think I enjoy the chase a lot more than the catch. That's an interesting theory, hmmm...i will think on that and prolly blog....chea.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


GRRRRR! So that arse-hole called only once. And when he did and I didn't answer, he was like, you must be the stupidest person ever! Then the message went on...too bad stupidest isn't a word. Or is it? Whatever...I don't feel like my plan to play him worked because he seems as though he was trying to BS me again. I don't know, but I know that I am over it.

It's like no matter what I do or what boy I choose, they always seem to have something wrong with them. I don't know...I am starting to think that it is me. I am the common denomentator between all of them. I don't want to take the blame for THEIR actions though. I WILL however take the blame for picking them and giving them chance after chance. I constantly hurt myself to get rid of the hurt of loneliness. This is a piece I wrote about that cycle of me hurting myself...

That someone is myself...

My heart insists it was made for more than pumping blood,
and my
spirit strengthens under the word of the Lord...
but I am too
weak to lay down and profess Faith,
too proud of my laying down with
carnal attempts at perfection.
If practice makes perfect, then
salvation is an offbrand.
My flesh demands cleansing from all the crust of lust cakes into its crevices.

Only I can
bathe in 7 seas and still thirst for clarity...
On soul searches, I hunt and I've unearthed a silen
conscience crammed with dirt.
I washed it clean until
spotless...clutched hope and stranded hurt.
Only I can fuel my frustrations because I don't have the patience to deal with myself.
Too afraid to admit sins to God, mistaking his
patience for neglect.
Was I trying at all when I
begged for seduction?

I allowed my body to be aloof, corrupt...
Error manifested when conclusions were
I just wanted to feel this thing called love, but
All I felt were various THRUSTS.
That left their
marks like graffiti...tagged on my walls.

My soul ghostwrites because I remain unspoken...
I stretch lies to cover the
scars on my conscience
No I didn't confuse lust for love...I KNOW the difference.
I assumed
tusseling in the sheets would confirm what isn't.
I continued to be a wet dream...

Letting them in to taste Heaven...
Walk along my streets paved in
Pluck the
fruit from my branches.
Always ok with giving 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances.
Eyes closed, legs open...
What did I expect to find behind shut eyes?

Groping around in the dark,
I wrap my hands around what I think is a heart, it thump thumps.
And I slide it
inside, maybe he'll be able to find mine.
Oyt and in turns into a cycle....
Cycle of hurt catalyzed by
Filling it with
worthless men
Hurting myself to get rid of the hurt....

Like...being single/alone is the worst thing in the world, so I can't let that happen. I need to realize that it isn't the worst thing in the world and I should learn how to love and enjoy MYSELF. Until then I will be going around in the same cycle. You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am INSANE. I am. I don't know how I feel about that. o_O admit me in to the psych ward, dress me in a straight jacket, and give me my meds please.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

is the grass GREENER on the other side?

So I have an addiction to a certain GREEN plant. No matter how hard I try...ok so maybe I dont really try...but I can't seem to let that addiction go. It wasn't until last night that I had a clear idea of just how much it has infiltrated my life...

I was supposed to meetup with this guy from online to get some green. I know, sounds FISHY. EIther way, this guy stood me up once, so I was a bit apprehensive. I IM-ed him to let him know when I was leaving the city. He said, fine...I'm here. Then I IM-ed him when I arrived at WTC on the path train to Newark. He was like ooOOkkkk. So then I got to Newark, answer. I went inside McDonald's and called again, no answer. Then I IM-ed him. He told me to ask about a bus to Paterson. That's when I was like, I thought you lived in Newark! I told you 2 hours before I arrived that I was coming and I expected you to be waiting at the station. He signed off and I waited for him to sign back on...nothing. I called...nothing, straight to vmail. Why was I sitting at McDonald's for an HOURRR!?

Then I finally decide to head out back to my neck of the woods. When I get settled on the train and pass the stop before mine...this fool calls me. Says something about losing signal or whatever...I am so pissed, then the call dropped. I am glad I decided to go home. UGH...why?!?! But I was in SUCH a bad mood, not about being stood up, but moreso about not getting my green and thats when I KNEW I had a problem. Like a serious problem. I was at the point of tears, even shed a few because I couldn't get my MJ. Something is definitely wrong with that.

So Chad and I devised a plan to play the living daylights outa him. So he IM-ed me this morning talking about last night was crazy, and all outa whack. Like it wasn't his fault, then later admitted to me that he was busy trying to make a baby with a woman that has 5 already LMAO. (mind you, he told me last night that he lost signal) Is this some type of joke? I am utterly confused and digusted...lmao, but I was joking hard on him. Either way, the conversation had to turn, so I could play him.

I said something like, how can you tell me that when I thought you wanted to get with me? He said some other bs...long story short...I told him I would meet him tonite, then started seducing him so that he would think I wanted him in that way. He honestly thought so too! Like, after he told me he was having sex with someone else, he would THINK that I wanted to still meet up and what loserish. Either way...I am glad that I get a chance to play him...even though I really want my green. Lets see how many times he calls me. LOL.

Chad was mad at me because I was about to meet up with him anyway, so I can get my green, but he still thinks I want him sexually...ugh, I dont know. I need to stick to the plan, huh? Men can be the worst! BTW, he even told me that he doesnt have sex on the first nite! lmao! But he is more than willing to cheat on his future baby momma! WTF?

Friday, May 11, 2007

Temptation's Theory...

So I have been thinking lately about luring the opposite sex. And this is what I came up with. I have this vision of walking around with my head held high, putting on a show. Not so much LOOOOOK ATTT MEEEE, but more subtle...kinda I am. I am pretty, confident, sexy, flirty, and you want me, I know you do. If I have that in my head as I am just going along with my day to day, men will flock. Not only because of that but because of the spring being sprung and all. And who's to say that's what I flocking? lol I don't necessarily NEED it, but dating in the spring/summer is a beautiful thing. And dating in NYC in the spring/summer has to measure up to some level of fun. Although it hasn't been the best experience lately, it's definitely been an experience.

Ok, so this flouncing around is to be accompanied by a certain level of untouchable-ness. That aura will make the guys crazy. See, this is what I think. Most people want what they can't have. It's some type of unconcious, sometimes concious mental manifestation that people just can't figure out or care to. I have ALWAYS felt that way. I mean, I am a realist, and so that automatically assures that I KNOW when I want something I can't have, chances are I won't get it. The problem lies in people thinking they can get the thing that they want and can't have. As if them trying hard enough would change the outcome. Sometimes it might, other times...not so much.

But here's the thing. I will appear untouchable, peak interest, remain at a lower level of untouchable-ness so that they remain intrigued, then I've done it. Think about it, someone who would approach a virutally unapproachable girl is someone with qualities that I want in a man.He is obviously smart, confident, go-getter, unrelenting, aggressive...hmm, let't juse see how this all works out. :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

This is why nice guys finish last....

....because they are just like assholes! Talk about your wolf in sheep's clothing.

Well, a while ago
Chad convinced me to put an ad up on craigslist underneath the personals. So...he hooked me up with a gmail account as well as the post itself. It was nice, sweet, and too the point. I did't want to deal with asses, men that played games, or men that thought with their peens. Well, I got sooooo many responses, it was nearly impossible to weed thru them all, so I pick and chose. Well with this one guy, I had decent conversation and he was well traveled, perceptive, observative, smart, funny....pretty much all the things I want...MINUS the looks. He was your average run of the mill DORK. lol So anways...after a few email exchanges, we exchanged numbers. I did't actually decide to hang out with him until yesterday. He sent me an email wonderinf if I was still alive and when I emailed him back, he invited me out for coffee.

Well I met up with him around 125th. It was nice, we walked around in the park, talked, ended up at a pastry shop, stopped, had some pastry and coffee and did a lot of talking. He was thoroughly enjoying himself...complimenting me on my maturity because he thought I was 24 with a 28 year old's maturity and was shocked when I informed him that I was 22.

He said something about having dinner plans with some friends but when we left, he wanted to show me more of soha (south of harlem) and so he did, we ended up walking around a bunch of places. He suggested we go to this ethiopian spot called Zoma's. So we walked on our merry way to the restuarant. It was TOO cute up in there. Very chic, quiet, nice art on the walls and very interesting food. I have never had Ethiopian food before, but I did make the comment, aren't they starving...hehe, i know, sooo wrong of me, but my humor is avante garde.

We ate there, talked, and he was like, do you want to get drinks or i can show you some photographs of
spain, slovenia, and some other places he's been...he's slovenian. I was like, yeah, lets see the photos. So he took me to his apt...omg, his apt has a restaurant on the top floor...just to let you know! I knew in the back of my mind that maybe I am giving him the wrong idea by coming back to his place, but I assumed a guy like him wouldn't know what to do with a girl coming back to his place. So I went. We drank a lil at his place...straight tequila, i only toook one shot, couldn't handle that! NOT after cinco de mayo with Chad.

The photos, omg, were amazing...his stories were amazing, we just talked, he got reallll touchy feely and started rubbing my shoulders, then my back, then he tried to take my bra off lmaooo i was over it. We had JUST finished talking about dating and how guys are in such a rush to get into girls pants and how i want to date around and try different guys that i havent been interested in. This NERD was trying to take off my bra, kept kissing my neck and things and i was like im ready to go!

He said, well you have boundaries, i can respect that. Iwas like, can you?...because taking off my bra sure didnt confirm that! Well, ugh, I was over it and just not happy because it was like he wasn't listening to a word I was saying...muchless anything he was saying. He agreed with me wholeheartedly about dating, saying people don't spend enough time getting to know each other before they jump in the sack...and I said yeah they rush to get between the sheets and miss out on everything between the inital meeting and getting to know each other....

Well, this just helps solidfy the fact that most men think with their peens and shouldn't be trusted...thanks.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Sexxxx is overrated.

So much to blog about, so little time! AHHH! Well, let me start off by saying West Indie boo will be no longer mentioned in this blog heretofore (love using words like that). He is a freaking jerk!!! Ok, so here's the scoop.

I was in dire need of a Mary Jane re-up, so I called him Friday afternoon wondering if I could come over and make that happen. He was like, thats the only reason you want to come. I say, there any other reason. I like to press his buttons because he gets sooo whiny and chilkdlike, later I learned that pushing his buttons isn't that much fun.

Either way, he told me that he would have his daughter and I was like, well yeah, I can just come get what I need and bounce. But he was like, her mother is picking her up at a certain time, so why don't you come at that time and blah blah I was like, yeah just call. I was at a bar, got a call, and decided to head over. But he was like, don't get here til like 10:30. So I was like, fine...I am gonna stay over, just because I HATE my living situation and I never wanna be home. We had already decided that we were gonna do the FRIENDS thing, a grown ass man, I ASSUMED that he could handle himself as such.

Well, I go home to pack my overnight bag and shortly after, I head to BK. Well the whole way I am thinking...what kind of situation am I putting myself in. I am willingly staying over someone's house who has a kid, that COULD be there when I get there, making me feel uncomfortable and just...what am I doing? I know this guy sees me as more than a friend for whatever reason...I mean we argue constantly, yeah we hooked up, but that doesn't solidify anything, or does it? Either way, I need to put my foot down and know that I am there for friends Colombian boo is supposed to be getting together with me this weekend. (I will tell you all about Colombian boo in my next post.)

Well I arrive shortly after 11 and I call him to let him know I am walking up there, but I am stopping at the Chinese spot. This fool lost his job about 2 weeks ago and I know he doesn't have much money, so I offered to get him something and he wanted pork fried rice, that's it. (I mention this because it comes back up later lol.) So I get the food and am on my merry way. I get to his apt and he is looking so scraggly and I am automatically turned off. I mean..I know I said friends, but sheesh, you look a HOT mess. So I thought that was a positive, I mean...he didn't even TRY to look remotely cute for me. So I walk in, put my stuff down and he is like, yu wanna peek at my daughter, she's asleep. I give him a shocked look, since I arrived about 30 minutes AFTER he told me she'd be gone....I looked anyway...cute little girl...but who cares? I didn't. I am no one's mother. lol. So yeah, the mother came to get the little girl a few hours after I got there, close to 2 am. I didn't like how he spoke to the baby. She is 4 and it was 12 am and he yelled GET UPPPP when he stood her up in the hallway. That just rubbed me wrong.

Either way, I am a little irritated about that fact and so I just sit down on the couch, give him my money, so I can get my green and I eat my chinese. Mind you, he has a cat, and I don't do cats. The cat came all over next to me about to jump up, while I was eating. I jumped up and screamed at it to get away from me lmao and it did! Either way, I wasn't comfortable sitting near that thing, so I stood and waited for him to come back. While I waited, I just looked around. His apt is the definition of messy. Sometimes messes aren't THAT bad, like the mess in my room. But HIS mess was like a million times grosser than my roommates' and his is DISGUSTING. The kitchen had all types of dirty laundry piled up, the sludge and crust was everwhere. The fridge looked like it stopped working 2 days ago, but still had some cold in it. The living room had basics in it, couch, chair, aquarium (that had no life in it, but was still on and looking crusty), computer, workout machine of some sort, and entertainment center. Along with those things, there were clothes everywhere, speakers, wires, more clothes in the hallways, it was just terrible. Like Goodwill threw up all over the place.

Well, standing there grossed out, I was kinda ready to go, lol...But he came back in shortly and we sat and watched V is for Vendetta. I was super excited because I hadn't seen it and I wanted to. So he sat on his gym equipment like a retard and I was on the couch and we smoked. He is one of the talk during the movie people, but not about the movie. And I was getting too irritated. He was talking about his mouthguard and why he wears one and blah blah blah blah blah...who CARES?! I looked at him like, i'm trying to watch a movie here! And he stopped. Ok, so then I looked over at him because I heard him smacking LOUD. This negro is over there eating my rib tips and complaining about them. UGH, seems like everything he did was rubbing me the wrong way. After the movie, he put in another one, Smokin Aces...which I kept dozing in and out on.

During the course of the movie, I got up to wash my face, piercing, and do the rest of my night routine. While in there for barely 3 mintues, he comes in and turns on the shower water. I was like, ok whatever...then it gets all steamy in there. I'm like, couldn't you wait to do that after I get out, it's not going to take me long. He said something about my piercing not being that serious and all I need to do is put a little alcohol on it. I looked at him like he was stupid. FIRST of all, it's a facial piercing and it IS that serious. And with no piercing should you use alcohol. I was like you know what, shutup! Then as I was finishing up, he hopped in the shower. I was like, ugh...we're friends, friends don't get naked and hop in showers in fron of each other. So at that point, I knew he thought he was getting some. lol NOT!

So then after his shower and after I was done getting ready for the night, I was sitting on the couch, trying to finish up Smokin' Aces. I fell asleep and when I woke, he wasn't in the living room anymore, so I got up and checked his room, where he was lying on the bed with a freshly rolled blunt. I was getting ready to get in the bed and smoke with him, possibly talk until we both knocked out, but as soon as I walk in, this fool jumps up and goes into the living room. I am like...ooook, so I lay down and eventually pass's past 2 am at this point.

Well I wake up to him coming in the room...and there is sunlight. I roll over. This idiot jumps under the covers with me. I said...what the heck are you doing? He was like what and kept trying to touch and kiss me, I said STOP. And I rolled over and wrapped the covers around me. Ok, mind you the night before, I asked what time he wanted me to leave and he said whenever you want to. Ok, so after that lil him trying to be all up on me fiasco, he gets up and says, it's getting late, I need to pick up my kid. So i hop up, look at the time, its 6:30 in the morning!!! I am on FIRE. I put my clothes up, gather my things and then I say, do you want to come lock the door? He's like...what? I walked out, slammed the door and told myself NEVER to call this childish fool again! WHYYY couldn't he understnad that we were just doing the friends thing. Seriously. Sex is not that important that you should let it mess things up in your everyday life. Sex is just too overrated. What is the point of getting mad at someone that doesn't want to have sex with you? But just wants to be friends? Have sex with someone else if it's that important. I just don't understand men, so I will start attempting to.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Robin who? and more tales

So whatever, didn't get to see Mr. Thicke because they were tripping too hard on the PR side of things. Saying if you didn't get the original email from people that you weren't getting in. I know I didn't get the original email, but I wasn't getting out of line. Netier was anyone else that was there. See, this is one thing that irks me about events in New York, well more than one thing. Lemme explain...The first thing is, people have way to much pride. 98% of that line didn't get the orginial email and they know they didn't but 0% of them got out of line. They knew what the rule was and they still stood there in line, like oh....I am on the ORIGINAL list. LMAO, yeah right, esp. when you are waiting in line. Real somebodies don't wait in line. They get out of SUV's. towncars, and such...and waltz right in.

People in NYC like to think that they are big shots, even when they aren't. I can't stand that. That's one reason I cannot be in the fashion or PR industry, because I am not that kinda person and I despise those people. My friend "John" is turning into one of those people. I am constantly dissapointed with his new views on life, love and everything else in between. I befriended this fellow in college, he was one of the most level headed people I knew. You could always count on him to be there for you and give you the most sensible advice, even when you didn't want to hear it. Lemme give you a bit of background on him. He moved up to NYC a sememester before me, or was it a year...either way, before me. I was still in school when he was up here pursuing fashion PR. Well, there was a time that he wasn't working. His temp stint was up after 3 months and no one said anything about hiring him and he was jobless. He somehow went extremely broke...I'm not too sure how that happened because he was still temping after that, but he was going THRU it, as far as finances were concerned and just used to call me all kinds of worried up about money, himself and what not. As a good friend, I was there to listen, to coach him thru it, offer my opinions, or to just get his mind off it. You would think we would be as tight as Pamela Anderson's bikini top, but...after I moved here and he found a permanent position, he was MIA for a hot minute and a half...

I can admit that I am not the best person when it comes to keeping in touch and what not, but I am not the worst, either. Either way, he would hardly contact me, and when he did it was on some oh I met another man, oh I met another man, and another and another...blah blah blah! And yes, this may sound like jealousy, but you should hear the tone and the crap he says when he talks about all these men. Like the other day, we were talking and he told me about the third Mr. Wonderful. This one has this and that and this car and is going to buy me this and that. Like, wow. He was NEVER that materialistic. Sure we used to laugh and joke about sugar daddies, but seriously, this guy ranked money higher than sincerity in his list of what he wants in a man. He has sooo changed. I joked about him changing when he first got the job and he was like, no, I won't. I will be the same old me. Well newsflash! You have turned into those same bitches you work with. Excuse But seriously, I have been too irritated with him lately. Chad suggests that I confront him on it, but I find confrontations scary and annoying and besides, nothing will changes, except nnow he would ill feelings toward me. Either way, enough about him. I have story to finish...about West Indian boo, lol.

So anyways, he smokes, I like that, so I went over. We started out watching a movie and smoking, slowly, he worked his way closer to me to makes his little moves on me. I appreciated that because not too many guys are gung ho about making the first move. So we kissed for a while...mind you....he had gotten MORE attractive to me because of his personality was growing on me. Either way, we were all cozy and what not and this man said something I have heard a few times before but never with this much urgency and wanting. He said, and I quote..."Can I PLEASE lick you..." *points to my vadge "right THERE." haha, I giggled a bit and said no....that's way to fast, blah blah blah, but by then my vadge started doing the talking..."girl shutup!!! YES, please lick me." That's what she said and that's what transpired. Now, I have had my fair share of sex on the first date, but I am growing tired of my whoreish ways. I want to DATE and not think about the sexual part of it until the time comes. I want my vadge to stop thinking like a man and just be a lady. I want to be demure. I want to be mysterious. I want to be hard to get. I need to learn to be that way. Someone teach me. Or something.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Robin Thicke and a story...

I need some fans or something. I mean really! How does a chick get some love on this site. I guess, I need to advertise. Come up with a whole marketing scheme, send out press releases, alert the news and paparazzi. I'm trying to blow up! But seriously though...I am going to see Robin Thicke tonite, too excited about that! *Chad, you're the best* I also want to see my West Indian boo. Ok, here's the deal with him. I met him online and I wasn't all that attracted to him, but he was such a sweetie in conversation that I didn't mind that he wasn't my idea of dreamy. So we decided to meet up for dinner and everything. I waited for him at West 4th in the rain for like 20 minutes until I had the bright idea of going into McDonald's to wait. There, I freshened up my eyeshadow, mascara and blush (the only makeup i wear). He called a few minutes after I got there and told me he was outside. Now...the body that I remember from the photos was nice. Very thick and muscular, an average muscular, not like body building champ or anything. So when I walked out and saw this skinny man in front of me, I did a double that YOU? He noticed and quickly explained that he lost weight since those photos...10 pounds. Whatever! I thought to myself, you look skinny! lol After the initial hug (which he stomped on my foot) and exchanging of pleasantries, we walked on in search of a nice dinner spot. You know, women decide within the first 3 minutes whether or not they want to have sex with the person they meet. And I decided, no. I mean, its not a whore thing, its just attraction, maybe I should have said attraction instead of sex. Either way, I had decided that he was a no go lol. But the more I talked to him and got to know him better, I remembered that he and I shared great conversations online and he's a decent guy...however, there were things that upset me a bit about him. He had the tendency to be whiny, authoratative, (i know this messes up the parallelism...) and had low self esteem. Those things kinda turned me off, but I decided to go home with him anyways to watch a movie and you know...smoke. lol That's my thing and i enjoy it and he does it a lot, so i figured, oh well......To be continued....It's ROBIN THICKE time!!!

Monday, April 30, 2007

A Black People Thing...

So...the time is...4:22p.m. For some, the workday is almost done, for some...beginning...and others...who knows what mindless activities they fill their days with. I'm just glad I get paid for mine. Speaking of getting paid...I quit my night and weekend job, so the impromptu shopping sprees are over. I was working that hard to save money for a place, but all I was doing with the extra money was shopping. That got me thinking. Is it a black people thing to not save for the future/even care about it? I mean, most of us spend our time buying things that don't matter. I think Nas talked about it in one song on Hip Hop is Dead. He said something like real millionaires spend 5 mil on paintings...or something like that. Think about it...clothes, cars, shoes, bling...this stuf DOESN'T matter. Think of all the clothes and shoes and bullshit that other SMARTER people pass up for things that matter in the end. Insurance plans, health, saving for a rainy day. I wish i knew more, but ummm, I'm one of those stupid people that spend they money on physical appearance. o_O hahaha, so I need to do you save for the future when the present takes so much? I mean, I like to spend money on silly things, shoes, clothes, sunglasses, handbags, etc...but I'm a bargain shopper, so where my money is going, I dunno. But it sure isn't into the savings account.