Thursday, July 30, 2009
I thought about how I have been living my life currently, in a bubble where only things directly related to me mattered. I closed out so much of the things in my life because I didn't feel lie dealing with them. In order to take charge of my life, I need to not focus so much on self. Being selfish does nothing for self help.
The crazy thing is, the first chapter explains how this isn't even a self help book. It is not about finding the right career, achieving your dreams or planning your life…the book preaches. I can completely understand that. What I am looking for is to take charge of my life and live the purpose that I was put here for. You can choose so many parts and aspects to your life, but you cannot choose your purpose. God's designed purpose in all our lives and it's up to us to develop and nurture a relationship with Him in order to gain that purpose.
Day one, I am told to think about my purpose and know that it's not about me; it's much bigger than myself. There is something that I find comforting about the book--it gives me a question to consider after every chapter. Today's question was: In spite of [everything] around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?
It's one thing to say that I believe in God. But it's quite another to say that I actually worship. Growing up, I was always taught Christianity and it's what I base my beliefs on. However, once I was on my own, I would go to church here and there, I might even spout of a popular verse or two--but I was never a true worshipper through and through. I never really created that relationship with God that I needed to. I guess this is really my chance to. I have to remind myself that I am living for God. For real this time.
How can I do this everyday? Praying. I can thank the Lord for waking me up, I can say small prayers and thank you's throughout the day to show my gratitude for life. It's funny because one year ago, I got a tattoo on my right wrist that says Faith. It was a physical reminder that everyday, I need to not only have faith in God, but remember my faith--my God. Even though I see that tattoo everyday, sometimes I forget. I need not forget, anymore.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
For a long time since I opened myself up to the wide world of sex, my daddy issues had me searching around in dark rooms for someone to love me, comfort me, tell me that I am beautiful and worth more than I allow myself to be. It took me a while to realize that I was doing more damage to my heart than my own father or any of the people I allowed between my legs. So, I closed up shop...literally.
The shop has recently opened back up because of love. Love and sex typically go hand in hand with me. However, this is coming from a woman who's hardly been in love before. But no worries, my typically skewed views have been straightened out and I know there is a huge difference between the two. Without love, sex is just a sweaty, sticky romp in the sheets. With love, sex is the icing on the cake, the whip cream on the Caramel JavaChip Frapp, the extra handful of cheese on the Chipotle Burrito Bowl if you will.
My old views of sex have been coming into play now that I actually have the love before sex. My insatiability (is that a word?) is screwing with my head. I am treating myself like a booty call, when I am indeed my lover's sweet thing. How do I get myself out of my own bad habit? This relationship I am in is two years in the making and definitely more than just that sticky, sweaty romp in the sheets. It's true. It's harmonic. It's love and it's time for me to treat it as such.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
So, after all the vacationing, I ended up in Rocky Mount, North Carolina--my hometown. I have been so homesick for the past couple of months to a year and I needed that time at home to recharge my batteries--if you will. Being back home in the quiet, green, country atmosphere really made me feel relaxed, comfortable and just safe.
I even got my brother to sort of pose in a photo and he never does!
Then of course, I had to get my two little pieces of sunshine--my neices. It is so crazy to me how much they have grown. They are little ladies with personalities all their own. It amazes me to see how things change. I remember a time when Azariah--my older neice--was first diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and I couldn't have been more scared for her. I watched her limp to and fro and instead of going out to play--sit sadly on the couch. Now that her arthritis is manageable, she's active and even talks about playing basketball professionally. :) It makes my heart smile.