Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I'm suffocating. Life is strangling me.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sometimes I forget....

The simple things, like this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Simple. Mighty. Robust. Vigorous. From this moment forward, I will try as best as I can to wake up every morning with a spirit of thankfulness. God has given me so much and I still find time to complain about what I don't have. That's a huge slap in the face for someone that has been nothing but gracious and perfect to me.

I am tired of living two lives. Worshiping two masters. Slapping my God in the face with my very own inconsistencies. It's time for a real change. I'm scared. I love change, but am scared of it at the same time. I think what scares me is the work that goes behind a significant change. I'm willing, but am I ready? There is NO time like the present and all that good stuff, but I always feel as though I fall short.

Here I am making excuses, as usual. But, living a straight and narrow life style typically has no gray area, it's either black or white. That's the scary part. Either you do no wrong or you do wrong. You can't be right and wrong at the same time, can you? Is it still respected/acknowledged when someone tries and gets there little by little with a few mishaps along the way?

Heavenly Father, today I choose to rejoice in You. Thank You for this day and for every opportunity that You've given me to bless and praise You. I give You everything I am today and always. In Jesus Name'. Amen.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm back!

I feel stronger. Than yesterday, than last week, than a month ago. It's so easy to feel this way when things are working out. I don't know if it's my mood swings, or if I am genuinely that much more thick skinned. I have been strong enough to be a shoulder to cry on for my friends. I used to always be that shoulder years ago. That's when problems were as simple as being broke, sad about family life and/or relationships--trivial, juvenile things like that.

But when you grow, your problems grow and become more significant and life changing. Take, V for instance. She married at a young age (while in college). My mother spoke it into existence, saying she wouldn't finish. And years later, she hasn't. She chose the life of a wife and mother. It seems as though when women make that choice, they are stuck with the life of a mother more so than the life of a wife. And men, shooooot, they get to do what they please because it's common knowledge and sometimes an unspoken understanding that women are the care providers. Yeah, they are exceptions to every rule...blah blah blah, but most times, that's how it ends up.

My sister is living through the same struggle of raising her children pretty much alone, even though she is with her baby's father. Why hasn't he committed to her and married her? They're already living together and doing what "grown folks" do, so what's the holdup? It's the desire of the single life still holding him back.

Problems. Problems that I shouldn't even be able to fathom because I haven't even been close to having them, but I understand them. I get their frustrations. I feel their hearts beat with passion for a life unlike their own, but the same heart that beats for the children they've created and watched grow.

Either way, I am stronger. I am strong enough to not only listen and truly care about what they are going through, but offer advice that is potent.

Take, J. J is someone that is just like me when it comes to love. It never seems to find him. He's built his self esteem on the lack of love in his life and it's painful to watch. I used to be that person. And I know the age old cliche, "you have to truly love yourself before you can love someone else," is incredibly elementary, but it's completely true. Most of the time I don't feel as though J loves himself which is what I have been trying to work on with him. I have been getting him to understand that he is in a great moment in his life right now, working in a career that he loves and making moves within that career. He's also working on his outer appearance (eating right/working out) and that in itself should make one feel better. But it doesn't always work that cut and dry. Being there for him and helping him to think positive was something I wasn't able to do, as little as 2 weeks ago. I've made a turn-around.

And it feels good to be able to get out of the bed on weekends and leave the house. It feels good to wake up in the morning NOT dreading the day. It feels good to be completely alone, but not lonely. It feels DAMN good to feel alive again. Depression will drain the LIFE outa you with no regards as to how you will endure it. I don't want to speak too soon, but I feel like I beat it.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Liar Liar Pants on Fire.

We all lie. A lot. It's inevitable. Eve started it. Maybe I should read that story over. Not sure if she lied, but once that forbidden fruit was bitten, we were locked into a life filled with sin.

I noticed that the lies are all around, however small, however large. For instance, how do you answer, "How are you?" 90% of people, if not more, say a simple, "Fine," and keep it moving. If you are ever to divulge anymore than "fine" or any other sarcastic way of saying "not so fine," people get uncomfortable. Why is that? We all know that everything isn't always "fine," yet we don't want to hear about it when someone chooses to share that.

There is a woman that works in my office that is CLEARLY suffering from an eating disorder. I'm talking bones protruding, hair thinning, can't help but stare kinda eating disorder. Anyone who has had contact with her at any given moment is a liar. I say this because we turn our cheeks the other way, ignore the problem and go on with our lives. Usually you don't see people with eating disorders as functioning parts of society, but she is. She has clients, colleagues, a husband and seemingly a life like anyone else.

Sure, she has a few weird habits:
She drinks the tallest coffees I've ever seen and constantly refills/reheats them.
She stuffs a small coffee cup with packets of splenda, what she does with it, who knows?
She takes pizza leftover from meetings and picks at it like a rat and leave everything but the crust and picked at cheese/bread.
She goes upstairs and eats someone from accounting's cottage cheese.

I am sure there are more, but most of these have been said to me in the midst of gossip. Gossip. People would rather talk/laugh/gossip about this woman that needs more help than we could ever know and keep living a lie to her face about her disorder. Maybe we lie to ourselves about it so we can feel more comfortable around her?

Then there are relationships. The beginning stages are great, aren't they? Both sides are trying so hard not to hurt/disappoint/disgrace the other, that they may be projecting an image of someone the are not. What's so bad about starting out a relationship with someone is the fact that you expect this person to be the best person they can be, when in TRUTH, no one is completely ever going to be the best person they can be. People fall short, it's what we do. Yes, there are some amazing people in this world; however, even they have things about themselves that they loathe. And as a result, people project who they WANT to be rather than who they ARE. Potency. Take a second, breathe it in.

Maybe I am talking about you all, or maybe just me.