Friday, June 22, 2007

It's like a wave.

Have you ever gotten sad for seemingly no reason at all? I am sooo sick of this coming and going feeling that now comes more than it goes.

It's like a wave. You know when you standing in the ocean, because that's what I do when I go to the beach, I stand. I don't swim. Ha! I am in waist deep, nothing more and I stand there and let the waves hit me. One right after another. I still remain standing, no matter how much the wave push and pull me, I stand and I laugh. A lot.

These waves of depression are just like those waves in the ocean. I stand there and I remain still, seemingly unaffected and unattached so that when they push me to and fro, I endure it and wait til it passes. I don't laugh in the face of the waves of depression though. I hide my face in my pillow at night and I cry. They are usually wild tears and I have NEVER in my life cried wild tears like these.

Gut wrenching, breath gasping, agonizing moans and groans kinda tears. Tears when I cry, the pain is in the pit of my stomach. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these tears, they are actually very beautiful. However, where are they coming from? It would seem like something that's going on in life, in your head, or in general would cause them, however my sobs caused me to think there was something wrong with my life, head, or me in general.

Something is eating me alive and leading me to believe I am depressed. I don't know what that something is, but I don't like it very all. :( I try to detach my feelings from any and everything so that I won't feel the pain coming and going, but...that isn't working all that well.

However the detachment I feel is starting to get to me.
...To be continued.

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