Friday, September 21, 2007

What Daddy Doesn't know.

Read me a bedtime story.

once upon a time,
there was a little girl
who fell down a well.
she couldn't swim,
so she floated at the top with the mosquitoes.

they taught her survival.

she grew to love the smell of algae
and thought she might just stay at the bottom
sucking fish eggs and belching guppies.

my daddy doesn't know me.
he doesn't know his little girl gives
head like an MVP.
he didn't hear the rumor that she was easy
when she was really just needy,


sucking away like the mosquitoes
taught her to
to fill their empty spaces with anyone
willing to
give her
one night
one hour
or one glance
at her body
charging boys behind dumpsters to view
her scars
her scars
charging men their mortality for the
touching of her wounds
my wounds

because no one ever became president
after fucking me
or even a generally decent human
you start digging through that rubble,
you'll have nightmares for weeks,
so put down the shovel
and come to bed.

promise me there are no monsters under my bed-
or in between my thighs.

my daddy doesn't know that there are
girls standing in corners
hiding fistfuls of semen
waiting to be old enough to know what
to do with it.
he doesn't know there are
girls who kiss girls
who are afraid to kiss boys because
boys might just snatch the smile right
off your face.
he doesn't know there are girls that
sleep under grandma quilts.
stained comforters.
and men that remind them of

it is the irony in searching for
salvation in the enemy
and the paradox in assuming that every
man you'll ever sleep with
is the enemy

and i have not had the heart to tell
my daddy
that there are girls who have shaken
hands with the devil
and i hear he steals fingernails,
making it very difficult for the girls
at the bottoms of wells
to claw their way out eventually.

my daddy asks me
what happened to my little girl
the one who used to dance on my feet?

i tell him she totes guns in her eyes
awaiting approaching disasters
like car bombs on cruise control.
she speaks in drips
and while you have stopped speaking
the mosquitoes are evolving
the fish taught me to swim
i feel my escape nearing
and i say

the devil can have my fingernails

cause i've still got

my teeth.

**My father, was never really my father. He was a man that would come around every so often, and basically kidnap me from my mother and take me to Winston Salem, NC. That was approximately 4 hours away from Rocky Mount. I hated waking up on the days I knew he was coming. He would get me 4 hours away from everything I loved to basically disappear on me. I wouldn't see him again until it was time to go back to Rocky Mount.

He'd leave me with her. That evil wench of a woman who resented me as a child. You know something has gotta be wrong with a woman that will resent a child. Well she did and she clearly added to my distaste of being at my father's.

The last time I saw him, was May of 2002. That was 5 years ago. Things got a little different between us when I got older. The calls stopped coming on birthdays and holidays and the money definitely stopped. My mother never took out child support, but whenever I needed something, he's provide. I guess he figured that could be his love and he wouldn't have to invest anything else into my growth as a person.

But after I graduated high school, he went MIA. Telling me he was going to send me money and never did. Just all kinds of false promises. Then the calls just stopped all together. No contact whatsoever. Not even an answer when I'd call. So I was pretty much over my father.

Then he decides to call on my birthday and on the message tell me that he is sorry for missing my call. He missed more than just one call. He missed about 3 years, if you count from the last time we were in contact. be cont.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Yes ladies and gentlemen. The day has arrived.

Let's not talk about my outfit because it was unworthy, ha.

Let's talk about how I got up at the crack of dawn to make it in to work. I stayed late and then had my dinner plans at Dip. Benz didn't come. I was so mad. But hey, I did get to spend time with him and he couldn't come because of work, so there was a good excuse.

At the last minute, I invited Ross. So it was just Chad, Ross and I. We had some great Greek fondue, drinks, and what have you. We shared decent conversations. Chad claims that it's always awkward around Ross. But things were cool.

Chad had to leave early, so Ross and I stayed, had another drink and walked and talked. It was nice to catch back up with him. He accepted a position as the fashion editor at some hip hop magazine and was telling me that he wanted to give me that position and work under me. I would really love for that to happen. But you know that feeling you get sometimes when you figure someone is just saying something because it sounds good instead of saying it and meaning it. Thats how I felt about him saying that to me.

Either way, it was a good birthday night.

Day Seven


Why is day 7 not my birthday? I don't know. But it's a Sunday. I slept in, again. I woke around 7:48, which is when my niece wanted me to call her. I asked her the night before if she wanted me to be the first one to tell her happy birthday and she said yes. So when I asked her what time to call, she told me 8:48 am. Well, I guess she couldn't wait because she got me before I could get her.

Well, we spoke briefly and I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 12 something and did the whole wake and bake. Then I proceeded to chill around the house. I was going to a book festival of sorts, but I was being too lazy. That's my problem on the weekend. Being too tired to even get up and go to places. Just wanting to laze around.

I put on some light blue denim jeans, red and white polka dot shirt with grey blazer and red trunk belt.

I left the house to head to the book thing, but I figured, hey...why not mini shop. It's my birthday weekend! So I found a top to wear for the party and some shoes. I left from shopping and headed to see Chad and Jake, who cooked for me. I was super excited because we were going to eat and fly kites all evening lol. My 2 fave things!

So we ate our food, took mad pics, flew some kites, ate some more and took even more pics. The boys also got me a bottle of Grey Goose. Mmmm. Gotta love that. The night was too funny. Senitmentalllllllllllllll. hahaha. oh chad is hilarious. After that, we all left. Them, to go to the club, me, to go home. Once I got home, I put on some music and got ready for my big day.

Day Six

Gotta love Saturday.

Oh man, was I excited to sleep in on this day. The week had me feeling weak, so I slept until 12 or so. Jumped out of bed because it was nice out. I thought it was going to be rainy and gross and it wasn't, so before the sky had a chance to turn black, I did my laundry. Ha, some birthday treat! But if I didn't do it that day, I'd never do it.

Laundry took a few hours. I managed to read ll the way thru the book of poetry I bought for myself the night prior. While at the laundromat, I noticed a lot more things than I usually notice. It was like my 3rd eye was open, lol! Well, I saw a man, writing poetry that I tried to read over his shoulder, but it didn't quite work. hmph. I wanted to know what he had to say.

Then there was a little Indian girl with her mother. She kept bothering her mother and her mother wasn't very attentive. So I guess that's why the little girl was being so worrysome. The girl took a hint, I guess, sat down and started playing "Smack That" on her mother's cell phone. Oh man, that was funny to me! A little Indian girl about 7 years or younger playing "Smack That". And jammin to it too!

So then when I got home, the laziness set in and plus I knew I had more juicy, so I kinda wanted to lay around all day and fly kites, if you catch my drift. So I made me some breakfast and chilled a bit, then when I was about to light it up, Chad called wanting to see a dance show. I did want to leave the house today, but I was just being lazy. By the time I looked up at the clock after getting off the phone, I noticed that it was 5pm.

The show started at 7:30 pm, so I had to be ready to leave the house by 6. I did a pretty good job of getting ready by 6:15, i thought (considering I did fly a kite a lil bit before I left). Dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, black pointy toe flats, yellow dress, black sweater, leopard belt, earrings, and scarf, I was ready to go. I invited Benz to come with and of course, he invited the Italian chick. Ugh. This is the chick he left me on Thursday night to go sleep with. I am noticing a recurring theme here. Someone likes the ladies a lil tooooo much.

Oh well. I am running late, so when I get to WTC, I call Benz to see where he is. I have 30 minutes to get there. I ask him to come get me, but he doesn't know how to get to WTC and says I can make it. So I hop on the train, just to ride it to 14th and get a cab from there. I finally hail a cab and traffic is a mess. I call Chad, he hasn't gone in yet, but you can tell he is losing his patience. Chad loves the dance. LOL.

So the cab gets me there with 3 minutes to spare before 7:30 and Benz is nowhere in sight. I call, and he says he is close. Chad and I go in, only to be told cash only. Chad had it, but I didn't so I leave to go across the street for cash. Meanwhile I look for Benz and I don't see him, so I call. He is inside. When I head down the stairs, I see him looking up at me and for a split second, I know I made him smile. He saw me and it was almost as if those beautiful green eyes sparkled for me.

Chad was already inside because he didn't want to miss a thing. Benz and I finally got in. I was happy because there I was with my Benzy and there was no Italian chick in sight. SCORE! We surprisingly found seats right behind Chad on this bench. I was happy that we got to sit together.

The show started with a bang. The very first one was great. It was a solo piece. Very moving. As the show continued, I continued to be unimpressed by some, but taken aback by many. There were some hugely talented dancers and some that were nothing to go gaga over. Benx kept texting most of the time and I was wondering why he was doing that. Turns out lil Miss Italian was on her way, but lost. Double Ugh!

He ended up getting up and using his phone while the show was on, but whilst we waited on another performance to start. Then he went out and used his phone. She is on her way, I thought. Great. After a while, he comes back in, with her. I could care less about her at this point, turn around to see him wave. I thought he was waving goodbye and I got mad and turned around. Then I gave him a lil wave.

I was being a hater. I regular Ducky. You see, Ducky is his best friend and she loves him more than friends. You can tell. But obv. he doesn't want Ducky or me for that matter because he knows he could easily have us, but he hasn't tried.

Dah well. So yes I was hating. I didn't look at her, but I invited her to come sit down. At this point I was indeed looking at her. She assured that she was fine and she didn't want to walk all in front of everyone. Ugh, whatever. Benz sat down and this silly ass chick stood in the back for the rest of the performance.

We ended up making plans to go drink A Blockhead's. We sat outside once we got there, ordered drinks and waited on Jake. She was being like a child with him. "I think you should give me a kiss" etc etc. All giggly and what not. GAG. Ok, so maybe I am still hating, but it was stupid. After we got our eat and drink on, we went out separate ways.

Benz invited me with him and her, I declined to go with Chad and Jake. Either way I would have felt like a 3rd wheel, but at least I know both Chad and Jake and them being together doesn't rub me the wrong way like it does with him and someone that doesn't deserve him. But I get the feeling that my hating ways will be pressed upon every girl that comes into his life romantically, morphing me into Ducky-ness.

I don't want it to be that way. i just want to be happy with who he chooses. He is a great guy that deserves an amazing girl. I think what makes me mad the most is that I feel like he is selling himself short just to have someone. Ooh well.

So Chad, Jake and I set out for 2 different bars. One was packed tight with hardly any service and the next one was packed just as tight. We stayed, Jake provided me with beers, and proceeded to get sick outside on someone's car and Chad and I continued to dance. LOL Some friends we are. We left shortly after. i called for some booty, but none was delivered. So I went home. Alone. Flied the kite a lil bit and got ready for my birthday's eve.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Day Five

Fridayyyy! 9/14-07

I decided to put together a white shirt and light blue jeans with a pink sweater and pink, grey and blue tie. I wore pink flats and pink gumball sized earrings. It was tres cute.

So work went surprisingly well considering the amount of drinks I'd had the night before. I came bright eyed and bushy tailed. And it just reminded how young I am that I can do that. Heh. Good feeling.

Well after work I made plans last minute with Katrina to get some juicy, dinner and Nuyorican for a Poetry Slam. We meet up in the Lower East Side, walk around for a bit until we see Benny's Burritos. The name is something hardly to call home for, but it smelled good and there was outside seating. So we went.

Serive was terrible, margaritas and salsa was watered down and the food was nothing to be desired. I wasted $22. I'm like whatever, let's get this juicy ;). So homeboy comes to where we are, but didn't tell us that he only did above 50. We send him on his way, just to think about it and call him back later. He obliges after some Katrina sweet talking. We just gotta meet him wayyy uptown by 77th and 1st. We take a cab. Get there in less than 10 minutes. Oh man, I never noticed how great cabs were in that respect. So we get it and it's great. Flew my kite and all. And we head to Nuyo. We're running late, so by the time we get there, it's PACKED.

We ended up sitting on the floor. The show was absolutely amazing. It must feel good to be a part of something so talented, so beautiful, so loving. I wished that for myself. These people are around my age, some older, and the way they write is seriously unmatched.

Katrina had me cracking up because we were both in pain on the floor and they kept bringing up more poets. She kept making lil joke comments about how someone said something about a break. LOL. It was so funny. Either way. I was more inspired than ever, bought a book, and went home. No before flying another kite though.

End of Day 5. What a feeling.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Day Four


I wore a black button up collared shirt with a lavendar tie and button earrings. I wore a pair of 7even jeans and black pointy toe flats. The day started pretty much like any other. I was excited because tonight, Benz would be joining in on the festivities.

After work, I headed over to Naked Lunch, the typical Thursday night destination with some coworkers. Let me tell you, they were lining up to buy me drinks. i coulnd't be happier. :) So after the 4th or 5th, I stopped counting and up pops Benz. Chad had been there at this point.

Usually we sit outside, shooting the breeze, eating and what not. But it got kinda chilly, so we stayed pretty much at the bar all night. Naked Lunch is pretty incognito, so there weren't many people there, mostly just Ogilvy.

Benz kept hitting on Galina all night. That didn't bother me, it was just that fact that Benz has to be interested in someone at every point of everyday and that irritates me. However, maybe I wanted him all to myself and that was what was irritating.

Well, after a series of vodka pineapples, shots and chicken, we were off to our next destination. Bar 13 for Pop Rocks. That's where Benz was throwing out $18 tips and repeating, "it's nothing!!!" So I tried calming him down by buying the next round and sitting him down. Then he announced that he was leaving. Italian girl. Hmph.

I walk him to the train and come back, finsih my drink, do the terrace appearance, and head to the usual suspect...Taco Bell. We get our food, but not before I hit on Issa, the cashier and Jake tries to hook us up. It doesn't work. I think we scared her.

Eat. Then home sweet bed. :) Great Day.

Day Three


I wore dark denim jeans with a beige lacey top and brown vest. I looked cuter than I felt. It was a pretty slow day for me. I didn't really have anything planned, so I went to Brooklyn after work and got my nail fixed, went to the grocery store, then tried to see my niece and nephew but their father wouldn't pick up the phone or answer the door.

So I went to get my mother a money order and I gave the man $40 for a $30 money order and when I saw that change he sat on the counter, it took all that was in me, not to widen my eyes and gape my mouth open.

There, lying on the counter, was $50 some odd dollars. Before he could get a second look, I scooped up the cash, put it in my wallet, wished him a good day, and was out there door with a pep in my step.

All I did that night was go home and cook. Woopty doo. But I guess the highlight was the $50 some odd dollars. Woo hoo!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Day Two

Day 2...9/11-07

Interesting day to say the least. The 6th anniversary of 9/11. The day has a sad undertone. It was gloomy and a bit rainy. But, I tried to remain positive and no, not solely for the selfish reason of birthday madness, but for the reason of me being so down lately that I didn't want to be down for my birthday week, or anymore for that matter. Yeah I know, selfish in sheep's clothing.


So, that say, I wore grey jeans with a black tank top and blueish colored open shirt with a black patent trunk belt and black patent peep toes. I thought I looked cute. Good thing I dressed that ay because halfway thru the day, this girl Chad and I met at this event last year emailed us to a Marc Jacobs party.

I was tres excited because I knew it would be liquor galore. Now, the story I am about to tell you is not fake or make believe. It happened. I am copy pasting this from an instant message because frankly, I am far too lazy to type it all out again.

so yeah, the invite was saying come sober, leave on a heightened sense or whatever right. so we knew the bar would be on point usually at these events, the bar stays open for like an hour, but at this event, it was open all night. all top shelf vodka, gin and tequila, they had a shot guy on the side, giving out the strong ass shots with bread to chase and all kinds of beer and people handing out these fancy hors'devours.

so the bff and i stood for a while by the door where they were coming out with drinks already made on trays and snatching them up lol. we got DRUNK

well the party was in this nice ass loft in chelsea, you know right around 23rd. it was HUGE, and set up like an artist's work studio, paint was everywhere, evidence that the artist had just finished painting. kinda set up like urban outfitters, around where the shoes are, looked lived in. well the artist was displaying his new collection which was all about war and pop culture.

marc ecko was like the curator, so there are models everywhere, designers, movers and shakers in the fashion world. the best part, there was a paris and angelina jolie look alike there. and they were taking pics and up pops marc hoppin in pics with them. im over there laughing and he comes up to me, and says what the fuck is up with these look alikes.

i froze.

Then he told me the angelina one asked who he was and I was like WTFFF?! How do you know not Marc Ecko? He then he put his arm around me and we started laughing and joking about them. omg i was like is this for real. im laughing it up with marc ecko.

well there was this tshirt designer there who i absolutely adore his work, and i said hey i love your shirts. and he gave me a weird look. then later when marc came over to me again and was talking to me, of course he walks up (queen sheba-tshirt guy) iand is all hugged up with me and laughing and talking all bc marc and i were like buddy buddy

it was unbelieveable. i was mad at first, but i soaked it up, let qu een sheba think i was someone important. so after getting my drink on, officially hanging out with marc ecko, i decided to go. i went over to marc to tell him bye and congratulate him on fashion week and what not, and he looked at me, grabbed my face and was like, we totally vibed tonight. did you feel that? i was like yeahhh. :-) then he kissed me on the cheek and said, see you at the next one..

Jealous? yeah...I would be too. Day 2 ROCKED my socks. Woke up drunk this morning. Discombobulated. Sore back. Don't know where that came from, perhaps some drunken pose in my sleep.

Dani Week-Day One

Ok, so it is actually Day 3. hehe But you know how I am about my blogging.

Anyway. Day 1 was 9/10, a Monday. I was wearing black shorts, black tank top with a purple and white striped button up and wore point toe black flats.

The day started well, I felt good and energized when I woke up. I was even on time for work. :) Work went by pretty fast and Chad sent me an invite to an event that we later attended that evening. It was bad from the start.

I waited outside in line for 30 minutes before they opened up. I was there for the free drinks and the open bar closed at 8, it was after 7. The line finally started moving by 7:30 and I went in...JUST to find out that the bar wasn't open as of yet.

It was a magazine launch party, so I grabbed the magazine and sat down to go thru it. I always feel awkward and like a self conscious teenager at these events. I don't just all of a sudden hits me and I'm like whoa. Anti-social mode.

The event wasn't great after that. It was open bar for about 30 minutes, then the DJ attempted to play songs and mix like a real dj, but failed miserably. I mean, I really couldn't complain because I got 2 free weak drinks and all I could eat cold appetizers. One of the servers even brought me a plate. I didn't know how I felt about that. o_O

I met the editor and told her I wanted to write for her. She loved it and gave me a card. So, I did get a present on day one. Oooh and let's not forget my brand new business cards that came in. :) It's off to a rocky start of Dani Week, but I have high hopes.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Love...the heck is that?

Today, a coworker announced in all giddyness, her engagement. There has been word thru the office that she has actually been expecting it because her and her boyfriend, now fiancee have been together for some time. Hearing women talk about engagement after a certain point in relationships got me wondering. Is being engaged an expected right of passage for women in relationships?

Well, Ms. D walked in proud this morning with her left ring finger sparkling like the sun was following her around like Fonzworth Bentley and her smile even brighter. I glanced at the ring, but I was more interested in her heart, her feelings, what made her know that saying yes was the right thing to do? When I heard other women talking about her ring, I thought,'s not necessarily about the ring. I got irritated because I feel as though women have degraded engagement to a ring status.

When did we spend more time and categories analyzing a diamond than we did analyzing our love? When did the rind take precedence over the love?

Love to me is more important than a ceremonial segue way. Love is a losing battle, love is a battlefield, love is...some complicated bullshit.

How am I supposed to believe and trust in love when I have no strong marriages to look up to within my family? When I have a father that doesn't even love me? When I have friends who claim love and do the opposite to their significant other? When the people who are supposed to love me most, hurt me, betray me and pretty much forget I exist until they need me? When the first experience of romantic love was a all around lie, from who (s)he claimed to be to how (s)he claimed to love me?

I'd say I am not even supposed to believe in love at this point. I should have just invested in 12 cats and called it a day. The realist in me would have just poured herself into her work, hobbies, whatever that could make it all just fade to black. But the dreamer in me stood up and took a stand. The dreamer in my left a piece of my heart to be healed and loved. I can't believe something is still in my chest insisting it was made for more than pumping blood. But it's there. The hope, is there. The desire, is there.

But the caring for it, is lost. I want to know how to heal from my past so that I can move on with my future. I want to know how to not blame everything around me including my experiences or outside factors. I want to blame myself. I want to grow up and take responsibility for my actions and learn from my mistakes finally. I want that wide-eyed bushy-tailed look. I want to feel the rush of a crush. I want to fall in love with love. Again.