Friday, June 29, 2007

Sex, Lies, and Videotape.

I have been talking to Colombian still and just craving him as much as ever. But my feeling for Colombian have morphed into JUST sex. Granted, that's what it was from Day 1. But I know I am starting to distance myself from him. I know he is starting to have a twinge of feeling for me, however...

When I get there, I immediately run to the bathroom and went I come out, he is rolling up. YES! So we go and smoke, talk, and chill. In the midst of talking, I was telling him about an ex boo and he was like, they all want you, don't they? I said...pretty much LOL.

So we decide to go look at some pictures of him from back in the day when he had hair LOL. I have been on and off my phone all night at this point and he said, are you gonna be on that all night? I said, possibly. You could tell he was kinda jealous about me constantly on my phone. Or maybe it was just that is was rude on my part.

So we're looking at albums and at one point, he stopped talking and he was just staring at the pics and I looked to see what he was staring at and it was a photo of his baby mother and his kid. I realized something at that moment. He is just fucking me. Repeatedly. I will never been in a photo album in his mother's house. I will be a memory, but I will never be a milestone in his life.

I was there for sex, so of course I was still gonna make it do what it do, but that realization played with my state of mind. We showered, seperately and proceeded to get freaky. It was getting good as usual, but then I don't know if my conscious was speaking to me because of DC boo or God or what, but all of a sudden, I wanted it to be over. I stopped responding to him like I usually do and I wouldn't tell him all the things he begs to hear during sex. I was just there. I never do that. I wanted it to be over! Finally it was and I just lay there and I fell asleep. I guess a few minutes passed and he woke me.

I then proceeded to clean up and leave. We shared a few intimate moments of kissing, touching, gazing, but even that was forced on my part. I left feeling as though that was the last time we would do what we do. I knew he wasn't satisfied with how it went, he just didn't express it. Oh well. I need to be more faithful. If this is going to work for DC boo and I, I need to make it work. I need to be more trustworthy, in turn I could possibly trust more....we shall see.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I kinda like that title. Very simple...but cute. You know, like Linens-n-things. Anyways...I had a photo shoot this weekend. I just love the way that sounds. Makes me feel all important and like a model-n-thing. :) let me tell you all about it. I guess I should set you up with how I got involved...

It all started on a stormy afternoon in my college dorm room back in Greenville, NC. No, it really did! I was sitting around the dorms, bored and decided to hop on That was the hot site back then, freshman year LOL. Anyways, I got on there and I met this guy that was really serious about BBW's. For those of you who don't know, you better ask somebody! BBW is an acronym for Big Beautiful Women.

Ok, so this guy was serious about BBW as far as modeling, acting, etc. He found out through talking to me that I was in school for theatre and wanted me to be involved in a movie he was trying to put together. I said no. LOL People are way too crazy in this world today and I ain't got time to be messing around with them!

So after years of saying no to him, I move up here to NYC to do my thang and he finds me again after I randomly sign on yahoo messenger. He tells me that he is working on a BBW magazine and he is doing photo shoots all over the country. I figure since I am in the cespool of modeling/acting/whatever you can do to get your name in lights, that NYC was going to be one of his stops. Sure enough he tells me he is coming here and asks if I would like to be a part of the photo shoot. This time I say yes.

He asks me to be there early, around 2 so that we can talk about the magazine and possibly give me some test shots. Of course, me being me, I show up at 2:45 and homeboy ain't even there! But a short, round woman named Precious She is scantily clad in black tights, black halter (no bra), complete with back fat, black flats, black fedora, wig, and sunglasses. She breathed as if she was snoring.

Now, imagine all of this. This woman was telling me that this wasn't on of her outfits and that she dresses provacative anyway. She was also telling me how much she was hit on on her way there. Mind you, she told me that she can't stand up for long or walk long distances. I don't know...something about that says guys aren't necessarily checking for her. But she says they are and therefore I can't knock a woman with self confidene, even if it IS dillusional.

Either way, time just kept on passing by and it was almost 4 at this point and Shai (my poetry friend) had just arrived. After chatting it up and laughing it up with Shai and Precious (you know, having that big girl talk) Precious evidently had worked up an appetite. I had cosigned and said that I was hungry as well.

Precious said, "would you like some cake?" I was like CAKE?! WTF!? You have some cake with you...thinking it was like homeade 6 layer chocolate cake that she was going to pull out of her purse. Precious proceeded to pull out a bag from her suitcase filled with Lil Debbie snack cakes. I was too happy that she had one of my favorites...strawberry shortcake, BUT I was mad that she fulfilled a stereotype LOL. I mean all those cakes in her bag....outa control!

But yes, Precious then showed Shai and I her 6-inch stillettos that would go well with her lace and feather laden lingerie that she was going to be wearing in her photos. I was like, this chick is OD!!! WOW. Then when it finally came time to take photos (when homeboy finally showed up) Precious Love left...without a word. The mystery is yet to be figured out. Was she self conscious about her clothes that she brought, was she pissed that she had been there since 12:30...the world may never know. But what I DO know is that I am glad I missed that whole 6-inch heel, feather, lace and hat/shades/wig photo session.

Well, the makeup artist was also late, so Shai did my makeup. I was happy with it until I saw the eyes. I didnt make a big deal about it, but I wih I would have because I HATE silver anything on my eyes. And there was definitely some silver eyes going on. The first girl did her thing with her two outfits and next up was yours truly. I was SO nervous. My smile felt forced, nothing felt natural.

The photographer was like, what were you wearing when you got here? I told him a white tank and shorts. He asked me to put it on, and I did with my white wedge heels. He took pics with that outfit...mind you I was only supposed to get 2 changes. Oh well, I wasn't complaining! LOL So we took a few shots there and in the midst of me changing into my last outfit...Shai got irritated and left bc she said I was getting treated differently.

Then these 3 other ROUGH looking chicks came in from Boston. He took me up on the roof and did all my shots for that dress up there. I absolutely loved them. I was only supposed to pic 15 shots, I picked 25. LOL I was again, NOT hating. I said I can't just pick 15, he said don't worry about it. So I didn't LOL.

I don't know why I got treated better than everyone else, but I was indeed loving it. I want to do it more often. I think he created a MONSTA!

Friday, June 22, 2007

It's like a wave.

Have you ever gotten sad for seemingly no reason at all? I am sooo sick of this coming and going feeling that now comes more than it goes.

It's like a wave. You know when you standing in the ocean, because that's what I do when I go to the beach, I stand. I don't swim. Ha! I am in waist deep, nothing more and I stand there and let the waves hit me. One right after another. I still remain standing, no matter how much the wave push and pull me, I stand and I laugh. A lot.

These waves of depression are just like those waves in the ocean. I stand there and I remain still, seemingly unaffected and unattached so that when they push me to and fro, I endure it and wait til it passes. I don't laugh in the face of the waves of depression though. I hide my face in my pillow at night and I cry. They are usually wild tears and I have NEVER in my life cried wild tears like these.

Gut wrenching, breath gasping, agonizing moans and groans kinda tears. Tears when I cry, the pain is in the pit of my stomach. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these tears, they are actually very beautiful. However, where are they coming from? It would seem like something that's going on in life, in your head, or in general would cause them, however my sobs caused me to think there was something wrong with my life, head, or me in general.

Something is eating me alive and leading me to believe I am depressed. I don't know what that something is, but I don't like it very all. :( I try to detach my feelings from any and everything so that I won't feel the pain coming and going, but...that isn't working all that well.

However the detachment I feel is starting to get to me.
...To be continued.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The things I get myself into...

So, it is my belief that something is wrong with 90% of men. I realize that such a strong statement needs strong back up, so I will provide. Either I have something stamped on my forehead in day glo paint saying, "Please men screw me over. And over. And over. I like it like that" OOORRR something is wrong wtih me. But it's not the same consistent problem with men, it's sporadic events and issues. haha

The latest makes for an epic of a blog. So, after the Puerto Rican Festival, CT, JA, and I went to eat in Harlem @ Picante. CT and I have been there before and know how cheap they are, but how bad their service is, but its tolerable because of the cheap food. However, their food doesn't seem to have much taste, to me...besides the point.

So while there, they were making their plans for the evening. And they did NOT include me, so your girl had to find something to do. The mood I was in was telling me to find SOMEONE to do. I have one major booty call that I have had for some time now and that's Colombian, but he hasn't called since the last I guess slowly and surely he is exited stage right out of my life.

So I began making calls and realized that I don't have much of a little black book anymore. Am I becoming a committed type? Colombian has been my longest booty call and pretty much longest realtionship. So...I don't have many NY booty calls I can just ring up and go get. Not many of my booty calls ended well, come to think of it. They either wanted more and I didn't or wanted less whilst I wanted more.

So anyways...with that set up...I will move on to the story. After the dinner, we went our separate ways. I was trying to call my sister because he fiance's lil brother was having a birthday party and Trini's party HARD, so I was going to make my way there. However, I rode the 1 downtown a few stops and some young thangs I saw at the festival got on the train. Within minutes, homegirl across from me was vomiting what looked like red Kool-Aid all over the floor in front of her and I. I started to get up and get off the train, I didn't care what stop it was. Although it worked out in my favor because I was changing to the 2 at 72nd.

As soon as I stepped off the train, I looked around and bumped into this really cute light, light skinned, bald guy. He was like..."where you going pretty?" And I said "Brooklyn." He then proceeded to hit on me and sweet talk me into coming with him out of the station. He was like, "i know of a few chill spots out drink...smoke?" LOL Now you KNOW that got me excited. I leave with him, thinking...what the's a public open space, I will be fine.

I thought this fool was going to take me to a restaurant or bar or SOMETHING. We started out just walking anf talking. It was cool because he actually seemed intelligent. We then ended up @ some store, where he offered to buy me something to drink. Then we went across the street to another store for an adult beverage. Once we had that, I went outside and waited and I said something about smoking. He said I can get you something...but he couldn't smoke because of some law suit. Fishy, right? Either way, he made a call and we were on our way...walking again.

On the way, he saw his connect and we followed him to a construction site. The guy let us in and he told me to just stand there and wait, so I did. Feeling real Bonnie and Clyde. After what seemed like forever, we left. Walked again to the same store and by this time I am getting irritated. Mind you I met homeboy at 72nd and we were at 50 something and just going in circles. FINALLY we go to this "chill out spot" of his, which I think is going to be a park or something and it's an apartment building. However, he doesn't live there, his friend does and his friends isnt answering. I am like UGHHH.

We wait outside for a hot minute, then he calls a random person and is like, can you buzz me in, I left my key. The random person buzzes us in. We go up top, being real mission impossible and start drinking and talking. I roll up. The more beer he drank, the more preacher he got on me. He started talking about how he went to jail for someone in his class saying that he was going to emulate the VT shooting. That didn't make sense to me, but I was like OK. Half the time I wasn't listening anyway because I wanted to smoke. Other half of the time, I couldn't understand because he talked like a pimp LMAO.

Seriously. When we got outside, I figured he was nice and buzzed. We sat on the roof and that's when he said,"Gotta make your next move you best move."...the most pimpinest thing you can say!! LMAO I laughed so hard and wrote the down in my phone for blog purposes! He kept right on with the pimp lines, trying to get somewhere with me. You know how it is..."baby, why not just go with the flow..." If there WAS a flow to begin with, you wouldn't have to ask me to go with it. Then there was "Baby, I have been locked up for a little bit. Can't you just..." and I cut him off. What an ass!!!

So I tried to play it smart because he was starting to get physical with me, grabbing and what not. I didnt like that at all. So I looked up my directions on my phone and I said, lets go. On the way down the stairs he turned around and wouldnt let me pass and kept asking if I was attracted to him and how I felt about him and all this other nonsense. By this time I am irritated! I just wanna go home! I yelled and stepped past him. Of course he walked me to the train but kept right on begging. I was sooo done with this guy.

We get the train, get on it and he is still asking me why can't he come home with me. Why can't we just be adults about this....Like there was something to discuss. I got off @ Park Place, however, I have never had to walk out of the station, but I did this time partly because of my frame of mind. So I stood there, got my directions, but didn't know which way to walk. So I tried to hail a cab. Oooh yeah, best believe he got off when I did, like he was coming with me.

He said, hold on, lemme use the phone right quick. So I let him use the payphone and I promptly hailed a cab and sat @ the red light facing him. I crouched down so he couldnt see me and I was off! PS...I also gave him the incorrect phone number while we were on the train LOL. I crack myself up sometimes.

But honestly, I need to be careful of the situations I get myself into...NOT ALWAYS a GOOD LOOK. Makes for interesting stories though!