RIP 2008...

I feel like I am laying someone to rest with the end of this year. As I sit here and type this out, I can feel my change wanting to come from somewhere deep inside past my soul and around the corner from my psyche. I feel it pulling to release itself into my life...again. I will regain everything I lost that I loved about myself and learning new things that I will love too. Because, I am loving me this year.

I am laying to rest the negativity that catalyzed 2008. Maybe all of this would be cooler if I had dreds and cut them for dramatic effect. I do have a weave, but I ain't getting rid of that yet. Don't judge me.

Here are the things of 2008 that I hope I am strong enough to lay to rest.

1. Mary Jane
2. Fornication
3. Libations
4. Procrastination
5. Depression

It's a heavy list. I may fall, but I will get back up. I am going to put up a good fight to place my life on the path that God has for me. If you love me, you will encourage me. :) I know things will get better once I get better. Man, I am scared. But I am not alone and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I know that was seriously after school special, but it fit. I can. And I will. Here's to you 2008. May you rest...in peace.

Bring it on 2009!

Katrina, who would have known?

Agenda setting is something I learned in my college communication courses. It's basically what the media chooses to make news and reveal to the public, therefore setting our agenda when it comes to television viewing.

When Katrina happened only some of us were obsessed with it, figuring out ways to help out. Now that it's been three years since all hell broke loose in New Orleans, most of us have moved on to Presidential elects, Oprah's weight gain or this failing economy and I don't blame you; I am just as obsessed with those things.

But, it's because of this video that my focus has once again landed on Katrina victims. Not only did these people suffer through conditions so horrible, I'm sure they weren't too happy to still be alive, but they had to worry about being shot at by self proclaimed vigilantes.

Here, watch for yourself. Crazy world we live in folks.

How could you NOT love him?

Ok, yes. Yes. I will admit it. I am an Obama supporter. And on the list of reasons why is...his cuteness. Don't judge me. It's inevitable. The man has managed to live a charmed life where his charisma and apparent intelligence have landed him in a pivotal role in our lives.

And I embrace him. Obama, thank you for waking up millions and allowing them to dream again and more importantly. Thank you for being THIS adorable.

Are you happy now?

My dear sweet lady friend Mintz McGee wanted me to do this, so I am doing this for her and the good of all mankind. Yes, all of them.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?

Good question. I was 14. I was in the 9th grade at Southern Nash Jr. High School in Spring Hope, NC. LOL So country, I know. Don't judge me! But at that grade, I was trying to impress my "friends"...two of which I am still happily involved with (shout outs to Valerie and Alicia who are now mothers and teachers, respectively). I was in marching band and proud of it. I was taking advanced Math, History and English courses and excelling. Lizzie (my former best friend) was still alive and crazy as ever. I tried black & milds and coughed liked crazy, but continued to puff on them because of peer pressure.

2. List 5 things on today's To Do List

• Follow up interview with Ursula Stephen (Rihanna's hairstylist)
• Come up with questions for Latoya Ruby Frazier interview, reschedule interview?
• Go to post office to get money order for mother/uncle
• Last juicy party of the year with my bff before his lucky arse goes off to a Mexican Christmas Cruise
• Love Myself.

3. Snacks I enjoy

Cheese, Pepperoni, Cashews, Turtle Chex and Cheese

4. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire

• Pay off all debts
  
• Help my sister out of her madness
• Get my momma out the hood and into her dream home
• Help my immediate family with some much needed extra cash
• Get stock in Cheese
• Create my own breast cancer foundation
  
• Ask Donald/Oprah/Russell Simmons what to do now?
• Oh and shopping, durrrr!

5. Places I have lived

• born in Winston Salem, NC
• lived in Rocky Mount, NC most of my life
• when we moved to Elm City, NC...I thought I would die! LOL But it turned out to be a move that shaped who I am today. Learned/grew a lot in that house
• Greenville, NC for college. Oh man, did this move shape me! LOL College years, what can I say?!
• Jersey City, NJ...my first move out of college, closer to my dream. But I hated Jersey ICK.
• Finally, Harlem! NEW YORK CITY. A place I dreamed of living in for a LONG time and I am here. I guess I need to be a bit more thankful lol

6. People I wish I knew more about

• Chad, my new bff and someone that I can count on no matter what. I love this boy more and more everyday, but sometimes I feel like I don't know much about him beyond what I already know. Am I one of those friends that always talks about themselves? Yes, but that shouldn't stop him from talking about himself as well.
• My sister, for the same reason as above. I feel we share a superficial relationship and very rarely do we get into the desires of her heart, mind and spirit. I want to be there for her more and for her to open up to me.
  
• Oprah
• Beyonce. I swear little miss perfection has a secret life and I want to know about it!
  

MINTS

Can't block what you loboe!

My sister, the mother.

My oldest sister has never been the best of mothers. To be completely honest, sometimes I think she may be one of the worst. One thing is for sure though, she does love my nieces, but how much...couldn't tell you.

I say this because, I am afraid her ways are rubbing off on my older sister. She has two children of her own, 2 and 3 and they are incredible kids. However, here lately, she has mentioned sending them home to my mother so she can get herself together. This may sound like a perfectly normal plan of action, but that's because you don't know the players in the game of my family.

My mother, has fibromyaglia syndrome, which basically is her muscles attacking her body, causing pain in any group of muscles it feels like attacking that day. So, having my mother be the caretaker of 2 toddlers...not happening. My mother is the epitome of what you think a loving mother is and should be, so to her, the idea sounded wonderful and I believe at some point, she said yes.

I had to call my mother and let her know that it was just NOT a good idea for her health. And my sister KNOWS this! But when you have something in your mind you want to do, you'll do anything in your power to do it. The thing about that statement is my sister has never lived it. She has never done anything in her power to accomplish anything. And now, all of a sudden, she wants to dump her kids off to her sick mother so that she can "get herself together."

I understand the whole getting yourself together part, because, her baby's father and her aren't working out. They are both making steps to move on. Although his steps involve him only caring for himself. Her steps involve her being left with the children (although that's nothing new) and having to fend for herself. My sister has always been codependent and has hardly ever done anything for herself.

So, what is it that she has to do that she would be willing to hand over her children to a sick mother? I can only think of her wanting to hold on to her recent party girl lifestyle. And there may be another dude. I heard her say "bye babe" to someone on the phone. With the problems she has with her babies' father, I am sure that it wasn't him.

My sister has never been this selfish and I am confused. I have always held sat her atop a pedestal and I don't know why. I look up to her, even though there is hardly a reason to do that. I know that sounds harsh, but she hasn't made much of a life for herself. The only thing I would want that she has, is motherhood (when I'm ready).

Writing for my life....

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Slim was a pretty interesting man. I honestly thought he would be a bit of a snooze. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE 112, but hearing about what one of them has to say, ehh. LOL But, all in all, great interview. He definitely motivated me to get my grind on.

AND ME
Havoc. Half of Mobb Deep. I miss them! So mad the wouldn't give me more info of Prodigy though!

There will be more coming on a regular basis now. I hopped over my hump of laziness and decided to be a functioning citizen. No applause necessary!

Will I ever get it right?

I cried last night. And these are the same tears that I have been crying since I was 13 years old and I had my first crush. Boys. What the hell is my issue? I was never one of those people that thought I had daddy issues, until a few years ago. How is this affecting me? No trust, jadedness, cynicism. I ooze these things when it comes to men.

When I was recently stood up on an internet blind date, I felt like I had reached some sort of low. I feel as though I always try and try again even when everything goes sour. I get up, dust myself off, bandage the wounds and move on. I think I should stop now. Seriously, stop, refocus, reevaluate and redefine what it is that makes me...me.

In a city where love is all around from couples holding hands, to that look I see him giving her, to his hand on the smole of her back. It's there. It's just not here. Why does love seem to hate me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?

It's a thin line between love and hate, so what is there to say about the space between like and hate? Even smaller. I have seen men go from liking me "so much" to calling me a bitch almost in the same breath when things don't go in their favor. And we're (women) the effed up ones in the situation? I think not. Half the time, it's the men driving us to be so dang neurotic.

Violence hurts everyone.

Violence is surely in the forefront of our generation. I mean, we've all learned about wars of the past, but we're living through one as I type this very blog, but because it isn't on our homeland, we don't feel the urgency of it. We don't see the blood dripping from scared faces, we don't see the little boy left for dead on a dirt road, but when we turn the news on, it's like hell on earth.

I swear, I don't even want to watch the news half the time, because it's all bad news! But in this day and age of instant gratification, the news is the first thing that pops up when I open a web page. Jennifer Hudson's family tragedy has been on almost every news outlet there is and for lack of anything better to say--it's sad.

It's sad to not only have your mother and brother gunned down, but to also find out that your presumably missing 7-year-old nephew was also slain in the same manner--that just hurts. In reading about this crime, I came across this little piece of interesting evidence.

"The 27-year-old Balfour — who spent nearly seven years in prison for attempted murder, vehicular hijacking and possessing a stolen vehicle — is not the boy’s father.”

Now, what woman in her right mind would allow a man with this record into her and her son's life? It makes me think about the way in which women value themselves. This man has an obviously violent past and it's not proven as of yet that he is the murderer, but when it quacks like a duck...

Mutuality as Reality?

Mutuality is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Being on the same page with that person, man, nothing beats that.

A friend of mine said this to me, when I asked her about mutuality:
Men, in my opinion, in the city do not believe in mutuality. They maintain a sense of self-righteousness, and entitlement which goes beyond privilege and if they don't have that, they act subservient.

I was telling the same friend of mine about how I thought this new thing I was pursuing was mutual and I had high hopes for he and I. The hopes were high enough (or maybe low enough--depends on how you look at it) that I decided to relinquish my abstinence for him.

I know now that it wasn't the best idea, but I justified it to myself by saying that he is treating me more like a girlfriend than anyone ever has. It was refreshing. He called me baby, his stinky, all his and I felt like, wow, someone cares about me in a romantic way. I could get used to this.

I didn't know that same desperate just wanna be loved fat kid still lived deep inside. That girl that begs for and craves attention. That girl that wants to jump head first into a deep romantic relationship with whatever guy is nice to her. She's still there, grasping at straws.

Well, he knew that sex was a "big deal" for me. I wanted so badly to hold on to my abstinence, that it was mostly what I focused on in dealing with him, considering he focused on it for other reasons. I know how I am in the bedroom and I thought, he, maybe I can use myself (interesting) to make sure he stays.

It didn't work. He had his own set of issues and insecurities, but as usual it was my issues and insecurities that caused our demise. I say demise because I haven't spoken to him since Saturday morning and it's now Thursday morning. That's not a good look for a blossoming romance, is it?

He got upset with me on last Friday, during sex (how ironic or something) and I didn't think that would be the end. I'm confused when it comes to men. I mean, I thought they were the simple ones and we were the complicated creatures that caused the drama?

When I met him and he told me he liked me, I thought that this would be the start of something beautifully mutual and it seems that he was just after the boots, because after he knocked them around a few times, he stopped being that guy that brought me a dozen roses, told me I was beautiful and treated me like the gentleman I've been dreaming of for years.

I DO Write.

Despite my sucky blogs, I am a journalist.

Check me out sometime. My latest piece is below.

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Reflecting on my reflection.

Have you ever stared into your reflection and just reflected on who you've been, who you are and who you will be? Self discovery is difficult and that's definitely an understatement.

Who I've been...the poorest spoiled girl you've ever met. I always knew that I had a huge heart back then and I opened it and let it feel...everything. Disappointments, anger, betrayal, crushes, pain, happiness. Any and everything. I allowed myself to believe in love. Fairy tales existed. I genuinely cared about everyone in my life. I cared about what people thought of me and tried my best to people please.

Then, life happened. My heart hardened and I closed myself off from emotions. I didn't allow myself time enough to be hurt, disappointed, afraid, ashamed, and everything else in between. I kept myself busy and just let my body be used by men that didn't care about anything beyond my sweet hips and warm welcome. There were no more fairy tales or happily ever after.

Where is that girl? That sweet innocence. Where did it go? I guess it's lost amongst life's misfortunes, setbacks, ironies and trickeries. Someone tell me where I can go to get myself back! Can I climb through that very mirror and grab a hold of myself and SHAKE myself awake?

New Poem in the works

When social etiquette won't let us get upset with the way things are
you're taught to camouflage regret and
religious structure tells us God wants us to suffer to support a situation
we all know is obligation

...to be continued

Another dating rant

Where do you draw the proverbial line?

Gregory is a nice guy. A VERY nice guy. Nicer than most I've met. But he's a sad guy that's down on his luck. Searching for love in all the wrong places and faces and somehow, he found me. All that keeps ringing in my head when I am around him or when I think about him is what my psychic cabbie said..."there's perfection in imperfection." I know that I spend so much time dismissing dudes romantically when there is something that's not in place. With this guy, I've been in a constant tug of war.

At first, I entertained the thought of having someone in my life that I know would pamper me and treat me with so much respect. There was just one little problem/blemish/imperfection, he's completely BROKE with a shaky living situation. Hmm. Now, that's an imperfection if I ever heard one. What to do, what to do?

When should I take out my pencil and draw the line? When do you say, that's it, I can't be with someone like that. I want to blame him. He wants to be in a relationship so badly, he doesn't care that his life is incredibly out of order. When I am with him, I want to be with him. Part of me feels like that is because of pity and not truly wanting to be with him.

I hate when people say, when it's right, you'll know. Maybe it's because it's never been "right" with me, so I've never known. I always feel so uncertain when it comes to dating and if I truly want to be with a person. My heart used to feel a vacancy, because I felt love never lived there, but now, I know that I am capable of full and complete love, but am I?

HELP

I'm suffocating. Life is strangling me.

Sometimes I forget....

The simple things, like this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Simple. Mighty. Robust. Vigorous. From this moment forward, I will try as best as I can to wake up every morning with a spirit of thankfulness. God has given me so much and I still find time to complain about what I don't have. That's a huge slap in the face for someone that has been nothing but gracious and perfect to me.

I am tired of living two lives. Worshiping two masters. Slapping my God in the face with my very own inconsistencies. It's time for a real change. I'm scared. I love change, but am scared of it at the same time. I think what scares me is the work that goes behind a significant change. I'm willing, but am I ready? There is NO time like the present and all that good stuff, but I always feel as though I fall short.

Here I am making excuses, as usual. But, living a straight and narrow life style typically has no gray area, it's either black or white. That's the scary part. Either you do no wrong or you do wrong. You can't be right and wrong at the same time, can you? Is it still respected/acknowledged when someone tries and gets there little by little with a few mishaps along the way?

Heavenly Father, today I choose to rejoice in You. Thank You for this day and for every opportunity that You've given me to bless and praise You. I give You everything I am today and always. In Jesus Name'. Amen.

I'm back!

I feel stronger. Than yesterday, than last week, than a month ago. It's so easy to feel this way when things are working out. I don't know if it's my mood swings, or if I am genuinely that much more thick skinned. I have been strong enough to be a shoulder to cry on for my friends. I used to always be that shoulder years ago. That's when problems were as simple as being broke, sad about family life and/or relationships--trivial, juvenile things like that.

But when you grow, your problems grow and become more significant and life changing. Take, V for instance. She married at a young age (while in college). My mother spoke it into existence, saying she wouldn't finish. And years later, she hasn't. She chose the life of a wife and mother. It seems as though when women make that choice, they are stuck with the life of a mother more so than the life of a wife. And men, shooooot, they get to do what they please because it's common knowledge and sometimes an unspoken understanding that women are the care providers. Yeah, they are exceptions to every rule...blah blah blah, but most times, that's how it ends up.

My sister is living through the same struggle of raising her children pretty much alone, even though she is with her baby's father. Why hasn't he committed to her and married her? They're already living together and doing what "grown folks" do, so what's the holdup? It's the desire of the single life still holding him back.

Problems. Problems that I shouldn't even be able to fathom because I haven't even been close to having them, but I understand them. I get their frustrations. I feel their hearts beat with passion for a life unlike their own, but the same heart that beats for the children they've created and watched grow.

Either way, I am stronger. I am strong enough to not only listen and truly care about what they are going through, but offer advice that is potent.

Take, J. J is someone that is just like me when it comes to love. It never seems to find him. He's built his self esteem on the lack of love in his life and it's painful to watch. I used to be that person. And I know the age old cliche, "you have to truly love yourself before you can love someone else," is incredibly elementary, but it's completely true. Most of the time I don't feel as though J loves himself which is what I have been trying to work on with him. I have been getting him to understand that he is in a great moment in his life right now, working in a career that he loves and making moves within that career. He's also working on his outer appearance (eating right/working out) and that in itself should make one feel better. But it doesn't always work that cut and dry. Being there for him and helping him to think positive was something I wasn't able to do, as little as 2 weeks ago. I've made a turn-around.

And it feels good to be able to get out of the bed on weekends and leave the house. It feels good to wake up in the morning NOT dreading the day. It feels good to be completely alone, but not lonely. It feels DAMN good to feel alive again. Depression will drain the LIFE outa you with no regards as to how you will endure it. I don't want to speak too soon, but I feel like I beat it.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire.

We all lie. A lot. It's inevitable. Eve started it. Maybe I should read that story over. Not sure if she lied, but once that forbidden fruit was bitten, we were locked into a life filled with sin.

I noticed that the lies are all around, however small, however large. For instance, how do you answer, "How are you?" 90% of people, if not more, say a simple, "Fine," and keep it moving. If you are ever to divulge anymore than "fine" or any other sarcastic way of saying "not so fine," people get uncomfortable. Why is that? We all know that everything isn't always "fine," yet we don't want to hear about it when someone chooses to share that.

There is a woman that works in my office that is CLEARLY suffering from an eating disorder. I'm talking bones protruding, hair thinning, can't help but stare kinda eating disorder. Anyone who has had contact with her at any given moment is a liar. I say this because we turn our cheeks the other way, ignore the problem and go on with our lives. Usually you don't see people with eating disorders as functioning parts of society, but she is. She has clients, colleagues, a husband and seemingly a life like anyone else.

Sure, she has a few weird habits:
She drinks the tallest coffees I've ever seen and constantly refills/reheats them.
She stuffs a small coffee cup with packets of splenda, what she does with it, who knows?
She takes pizza leftover from meetings and picks at it like a rat and leave everything but the crust and picked at cheese/bread.
She goes upstairs and eats someone from accounting's cottage cheese.

I am sure there are more, but most of these have been said to me in the midst of gossip. Gossip. People would rather talk/laugh/gossip about this woman that needs more help than we could ever know and keep living a lie to her face about her disorder. Maybe we lie to ourselves about it so we can feel more comfortable around her?

Then there are relationships. The beginning stages are great, aren't they? Both sides are trying so hard not to hurt/disappoint/disgrace the other, that they may be projecting an image of someone the are not. What's so bad about starting out a relationship with someone is the fact that you expect this person to be the best person they can be, when in TRUTH, no one is completely ever going to be the best person they can be. People fall short, it's what we do. Yes, there are some amazing people in this world; however, even they have things about themselves that they loathe. And as a result, people project who they WANT to be rather than who they ARE. Potency. Take a second, breathe it in.

Maybe I am talking about you all, or maybe just me.

Same Sex Dating

I was not at all nervous about my first girl on girl date. Actually, I was completely fine until we sat down at the table. It seemed like a lil friendly get together, until we officially sat down. Then, it became a date. I learned that blind dates are never fun. Even if you see the photo of that person, ask to see more than one and ask to see body shots. Now I know why people who date on the internet are so picky about photos.

She wasn't all that I expected, but not too bad. The date was the most boring I'd ever been on. There was generally no conversation and it seemed no interest in each other. What made me feel a certain way about the whole experience, was the fact that she was almost just like a dude in her actions. I thought the date was just going all around BAD, however, she still wanted to get together and cuddle all up and watch porn, yes porn.

Every date I have ever gone on has been unconventional and that doesn't bother me. It's just weird that after being on an excruciatingly bad date, one would think that we'd be ready to both part ways, mutually. I think she wanted to experiment so bad, she didn't factor in our lack of chemistry.

In all honesty, I didn't mind that much either, because I wanted to experiment too. And experiment I did. I realized that I actually do like girls in the same way that I like boys and I'm ok with that. I blindly though dating girls would be so much better/easier/less stressful, but I see right now that is an assumption and assumption only.

I know what GIRLS like...

...Girls like ME. (And, I like girls.)

I have been dealing with issues with my sexuality for a while. At first, it was moreso internal than anything else. Then, I would let it slip out on occasions; as far as me following a beautiful pair of legs, hips and butt around the room with my eyes and thinking a plethora of dirty thoughts. I never caught myself doing it until someone else caught me doing it.

One night at this bar, I saw a girl with the epitome of a coco-cola body and she was wearing some tight jeans and a form fitting shirt, all tucked in so that you could SEE that curve in her back as she glided across the floor. My eyes followed her from her point A, to her point B, and on to her point C and this guy tapped me and was like, "yeah, I see that." I looked confused at first, like what are you talking about? Then I realized that I had not let that woman out of my sight since she walked into it.

Then of course there was the "experience." I kissed a few girls in college and just thought I was doing the quintessential drunken college girl thing. I mean, we used to make out with EVERYBODY. But, when I would pucker my lips towards a female, there was more than just the excitement of OMG, I'm about to kiss a chick; there was a desire. A STRONG desire.

Ok, so I battled with myself on whether or not I would include this part, but I am a pretty open person--any of my friends will tell you, so I figure, why spare you? I will however, spare you the dirty flirty details.

I was involved in a 3some not too long ago and let's just say I was the central point of interest. I was pulled into (not by force) by a friend of mine that I had known a few years. I always knew this girl was a FREAK and never thought she would ask me to play a part in her freakdom, but she did and I submitted gladly.

I am none too sure what happened with the fella, but he couldn't perform. It was very embarrassing really. I mean, you have 2 beautiful girls all over each other and you could not rise to the occasion. So, moral of story: The chick wore me OUT and I felt good about that. It seemed to me to be more confirmation.

Which leads us to now. I, like most women, have had some of the worst luck with men. When you sit down and think about every single time that I have had involvement with men, it's gone bad. Sour, even. So, what's the common denominator? Me, of course. So, it's only natural that I think the problem lies in me. I need protection from myself!

I am not one to deny my faults or where I fall short and I know that I am imperfect. But there were MANY MANY times in my dealings with men where I was straight PLAYED and that has certainly taken a toll out on my heart/trust/openness and many other things that are important when you are trying to date.

Which all that damage comes out when you are trying to get to know someone new and often clouds your judgment. So, how do you enter a new situation with a completely clean slate? You can't. Most of us just spend our time trying (oftentimes unsuccessfully) to hide all the residue left from a previous lover. Is that what dating is, hiding?

I am out to see if the same paradox exists within same sex dating. Something tells me it does.










...if men were stocks, they'd have plummeted by now. I may sound like every other single, jaded woman in the world. But I swear every man I have ever met in my life that has been of some interest to me or that has shared some time with me in some sort of relationship has been a failed stock.

Reflect HIM

"Let this same attitude and purpose and humble mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus. Let Him be your example in humility" (Philippians 2:5 AMP).

The scripture starts with the word "let," which automatically takes on a spirit of invitation. When we are reborn as believers, we INVITE the Lord into our lives. Meaning we become children of the Most High.

I don't know about you guys, but that is a lot of pressure. I know that your parents often mold you into the best person that they can and that is no different when you accept God as a father.

Happy Belated Father's Day God. (since I didn't publish this until 2 days after). I hope that I have not disappointed you in being who I am. That's a rather potent statement that often leads to my own misunderstanding of being a believer.

According to the core of "Christianity," I should be better than what I am. Can I really say that I try to be the best person that I can be? I am not so sure that I put up a fight, but I can say that I put up some effort.

The last thing a child wants to be to their parent, is a disappointment. And here lies the pressure of being a believer. Should I not try at all, especially when I know I am not trying my best? Why is it so hard to give God the best of me?

Also, am I only trying so that I can avoid the horrible fate of Hell? I don't want to feel as though I am being selfish by following God because going to Heaven is more appealing than that opposite fate. I know that to feel like I am following God's path for me, I have to sincerely know in my heart and believe, but why is it so hard for me to feel that passion?

I feel like I am floating through life and going through the motions with no specific direction or purpose. I feel as though all the passion and drive I used to have has dried up. Father, it is my prayer today that you help me find what I am missing. I am willing to do the footwork, please guide me. I don't like having this feeling that something is missing.

So, here begins my search with my Father to find what I am missing. My passion. My zest. My LIFE.

This here, celibacy thing...

I have three approaching deadlines (one is today), so I really should be working on that. The pressure of looming deadlines motivate me. Ha! The procrastinator's mantra! Whatevs. I'll get to it.

Lately, I have been practicing abstinence. Sometimes I catch myself calling it celibacy. I think of Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" and I can relate!

This here celibacy thing
Lawd, just got something over me
Like an addict, I could really use a thing
You know what I’m talking about
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah

It’s been hard to sleep at night
I’m ying ying ying ying it
Scratching it right
I get some new batteries almost every night
Lawd, this here celibacy thing

The stresses of this world
You know how they come down on a girl
I’m trying to clear my mind
But all I seem to find
Is this gangsta, gangsta, type of need

People say mind over matter
But,I don’t mind what they say
And it don’t matter
This here celibacy thing
Is working on me…

It has been 3 months and everytime I ignore advances and put mind over matter, I feel accomplished. Although, I cheated last night AND the night before that. No, there was no intercourse, but there was HEAVY petting.

The first night that I cheated, I felt HORRIBLE. It was almost if if I raped myself. Immediately realizing how far things were going, I stopped him. I felt sick, queasy, light headed, hot and just not right. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, punishing myself for being almost willing to give up my goal for someone who KNEW about my goal and could obviously care less. This is what started the abstinence in the first place; me wanting to be more than just a screw. Is it that hard to connect on a level that's more than bumping uglies?

..Re-evaluting...

So I packed my stuff up in Sept 06, hopped in a Budget Truck and made my way to the proverbial city of dreams. Needless to say, it has been more and less than my dreams within a 2 year span. Like anyone, I have had my ups and downs.

I have been able to maintain mentally, although there is and definitely has been some mental strain. I have been dealing with my self diagnosed depression and/or bipolar-ness. There are times when I am completely happy-go-lucky, smiling, skipping, laughing and just as fast, there are times when I want nothing more than to crouch into the smallest ball I can pull myself into and disappear. There have been mornings where it would take ALL I have to get out of bed and there have definitely been mornings that I don't get out of bed at all. This is certainly a problem and thought that it was nothing that I can't beat with the help of my Lord. That brings another issue to the forefront...my beliefs.

Lately, while in this rut, I have found solace in attending church. However, I feel selfish. I feel as though the only reason I am going to church is to clear my head, to be able to feel my heart do more than pump blood, to get into heaven. Now, I know you're thinking, isn't that the point of having a belief in God. It is, to a certain extent, yes. But when you are believing solely on the purpose of benefiting yourself, that's when you stray from the core of "Christianity." *Note* I don't like using "Christianity;" I feel that "believer" is closer to the meaning of what I am saying and how I feel. I want to get to a point in my faith where I believe because I want to, not because it's a justifiable means to an end.

Physically, ehh. I am very unhappy with myself. My dream, physically...well I was supposed to come up here and get in better shape. And I did! Surprisingly. The subway stairs and all the walking kicked my behind when I first got here. Then, all of a sudden, I was able to take stairs like a champ and master 30 block walks daily. I ended up losing some 40 odd pounds based on commuting alone. I think what's psyched me out about dieting is that everytime I have lost a significant amount of weight, I didn't make any changes in my diet, it was just increased physical activity.

So now that the weight has stopped falling off and in fact coming back, I find myself disgusted with my growing gut and sad that the stairs and city blocks no longer serve as a trainer for me. Now, I have to do actual work (ICK) if I want to lose weight. I've turned into a lazy bum with terrible eating habits and I hate that I let myself get to this point.

Yesterday, I saw a photo of the 1,000 pound man. One THOUSAND pounds?! That should be enough motivation to never let myself get there, right? Wrong! I shrugged it off and said, "oh, I'll stop before I ever get that bad." I am sure that's what he said too. Truth is, one day you could wake up and notice, hey, I don't fit those pants anymore. Then it may be, hey, this shirt is a little tight and before you know it, you're one thousand pounds. It's a scary thing and I refuse to let myself go. This is the year that I will take my life back! I'm gonna lose this extra padding. No, not to be deemed attractive by some man, but for me. For health. For a life with a little less heavy breathing.

My career? Hmm, that is another conflict/struggle/fiasco in itself. The "Negative Nelly" in me thinks that I am wasting my time at my dead end job. But the realist in me says that I am going in a positive direction. Yes, I am a receptionist for a Health Advertising Firm, but I am getting paid decent money (Negative Nelly wants more) to basically sit here all day and do what I want. (Negative Nelly thinks it's mindless work) However, I am able to freelance with the time I spend at my desk and freelance I do!

The dreamer in me wants to go back to school to get my masters in Journalism. The funny thing is, the realist in me agrees. So I guess I will be hitting the books come Spring semester. This gives me time to get it together and back on track! Yes, I hate my job, but it is a means to an end right now and suited perfectly for my lifestyle and future plans.

In re-evaluating my life, I learn that it's not so bad. There is always someone out there that has it worse than you. My problem is, and I haven't admitted this to anyone--I like to feel sorry for myself and I also like others to feel that way too. I don't know why. I have had a hard life, but it has only made me stronger today. Why do I feel validated when people recognize that? I am a survivor and I want to turn myself into a fighter. A fighter in the sense of fighting for what I believe, what I feel, what I love and what I deserve.

I have proved that I can make it here. So, can I make it anywhere?

I shouldn't left you...without a dope beat to step to.

Wow, it's been a hot minute since I blogged and I must say, I went back and read some of my old posts, and I am pretty interesting. :)

I always have something to write about, however, it's not until I sit down with the keyboard in front of me and the expectant white screen with the taunting blinking cursor staring back at me, that I freeze up. I think it's the pressure of being a writer and feeling like every single thing that I write needs to live up to that title that I self proclaim. I know it's not that serious though.

Speaking of, I have been learning not to take myself too seriously, while taking time to get to know ME and focusing on ME. I have been saying this to myself for far too long and now it's time for it to happen. In learning about myself and focusing on myself...I need to be by myself. That means, I need no distractions, sexual, emotional, physical, etc. Most of those distractions center around men. So, I will just say, I will need NO romantic interest of any kind at this point in my life.

Self discovery is a HARD thing to do and who knows how long this will take. What I do know is, God has put this on my heart and I have been avoiding it, thinking that I need companionship. Believe it or not, companionship, at this very moment in my life, irritates me. And I don't want it. I would have never thought that I would get to this point.

I remember a time in my life, well it's actually been most of my life; where I felt like I needed that romantic attention. I would spend so much time lying to myself..."he cares about me. I can change him. If I give him some, he will stay."

9 times outa 10, matter of fact, 10 times outa 10, that was untrue. All lies that I would feed myself. Until I was full. And even then I would push the lies around on my plate with my fork, waiting to be able to stuff those in too. It was a disgusting habit that I, for the most part, have been able to drop.

We all lie to ourselves and others, daily. It's a shame when it's second nature and it takes thought and effort to tell the truth. And why is it that people get uncomfortable or think its TMI when they ask, "how are you?" and you give them "Not too good. I am broke and can't afford to feed myself this week. But other than that I'm ok."


More soon...