Friday, June 6, 2008

This here, celibacy thing...

I have three approaching deadlines (one is today), so I really should be working on that. The pressure of looming deadlines motivate me. Ha! The procrastinator's mantra! Whatevs. I'll get to it.

Lately, I have been practicing abstinence. Sometimes I catch myself calling it celibacy. I think of Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" and I can relate!

This here celibacy thing
Lawd, just got something over me
Like an addict, I could really use a thing
You know what I’m talking about

It’s been hard to sleep at night
I’m ying ying ying ying it
Scratching it right
I get some new batteries almost every night
Lawd, this here celibacy thing

The stresses of this world
You know how they come down on a girl
I’m trying to clear my mind
But all I seem to find
Is this gangsta, gangsta, type of need

People say mind over matter
But,I don’t mind what they say
And it don’t matter
This here celibacy thing
Is working on me…

It has been 3 months and everytime I ignore advances and put mind over matter, I feel accomplished. Although, I cheated last night AND the night before that. No, there was no intercourse, but there was HEAVY petting.

The first night that I cheated, I felt HORRIBLE. It was almost if if I raped myself. Immediately realizing how far things were going, I stopped him. I felt sick, queasy, light headed, hot and just not right. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, punishing myself for being almost willing to give up my goal for someone who KNEW about my goal and could obviously care less. This is what started the abstinence in the first place; me wanting to be more than just a screw. Is it that hard to connect on a level that's more than bumping uglies?

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