Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mutuality as Reality?

Mutuality is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Being on the same page with that person, man, nothing beats that.

A friend of mine said this to me, when I asked her about mutuality:
Men, in my opinion, in the city do not believe in mutuality. They maintain a sense of self-righteousness, and entitlement which goes beyond privilege and if they don't have that, they act subservient.

I was telling the same friend of mine about how I thought this new thing I was pursuing was mutual and I had high hopes for he and I. The hopes were high enough (or maybe low enough--depends on how you look at it) that I decided to relinquish my abstinence for him.

I know now that it wasn't the best idea, but I justified it to myself by saying that he is treating me more like a girlfriend than anyone ever has. It was refreshing. He called me baby, his stinky, all his and I felt like, wow, someone cares about me in a romantic way. I could get used to this.

I didn't know that same desperate just wanna be loved fat kid still lived deep inside. That girl that begs for and craves attention. That girl that wants to jump head first into a deep romantic relationship with whatever guy is nice to her. She's still there, grasping at straws.

Well, he knew that sex was a "big deal" for me. I wanted so badly to hold on to my abstinence, that it was mostly what I focused on in dealing with him, considering he focused on it for other reasons. I know how I am in the bedroom and I thought, he, maybe I can use myself (interesting) to make sure he stays.

It didn't work. He had his own set of issues and insecurities, but as usual it was my issues and insecurities that caused our demise. I say demise because I haven't spoken to him since Saturday morning and it's now Thursday morning. That's not a good look for a blossoming romance, is it?

He got upset with me on last Friday, during sex (how ironic or something) and I didn't think that would be the end. I'm confused when it comes to men. I mean, I thought they were the simple ones and we were the complicated creatures that caused the drama?

When I met him and he told me he liked me, I thought that this would be the start of something beautifully mutual and it seems that he was just after the boots, because after he knocked them around a few times, he stopped being that guy that brought me a dozen roses, told me I was beautiful and treated me like the gentleman I've been dreaming of for years.

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