...Girls like ME. (And, I like girls.)
I have been dealing with issues with my sexuality for a while. At first, it was moreso internal than anything else. Then, I would let it slip out on occasions; as far as me following a beautiful pair of legs, hips and butt around the room with my eyes and thinking a plethora of dirty thoughts. I never caught myself doing it until someone else caught me doing it.
One night at this bar, I saw a girl with the epitome of a coco-cola body and she was wearing some tight jeans and a form fitting shirt, all tucked in so that you could SEE that curve in her back as she glided across the floor. My eyes followed her from her point A, to her point B, and on to her point C and this guy tapped me and was like, "yeah, I see that." I looked confused at first, like what are you talking about? Then I realized that I had not let that woman out of my sight since she walked into it.
Then of course there was the "experience." I kissed a few girls in college and just thought I was doing the quintessential drunken college girl thing. I mean, we used to make out with EVERYBODY. But, when I would pucker my lips towards a female, there was more than just the excitement of OMG, I'm about to kiss a chick; there was a desire. A STRONG desire.
Ok, so I battled with myself on whether or not I would include this part, but I am a pretty open person--any of my friends will tell you, so I figure, why spare you? I will however, spare you the dirty flirty details.
I was involved in a 3some not too long ago and let's just say I was the central point of interest. I was pulled into (not by force) by a friend of mine that I had known a few years. I always knew this girl was a FREAK and never thought she would ask me to play a part in her freakdom, but she did and I submitted gladly.
I am none too sure what happened with the fella, but he couldn't perform. It was very embarrassing really. I mean, you have 2 beautiful girls all over each other and you could not rise to the occasion. So, moral of story: The chick wore me OUT and I felt good about that. It seemed to me to be more confirmation.
Which leads us to now. I, like most women, have had some of the worst luck with men. When you sit down and think about every single time that I have had involvement with men, it's gone bad. Sour, even. So, what's the common denominator? Me, of course. So, it's only natural that I think the problem lies in me. I need protection from myself!
I am not one to deny my faults or where I fall short and I know that I am imperfect. But there were MANY MANY times in my dealings with men where I was straight PLAYED and that has certainly taken a toll out on my heart/trust/openness and many other things that are important when you are trying to date.
Which all that damage comes out when you are trying to get to know someone new and often clouds your judgment. So, how do you enter a new situation with a completely clean slate? You can't. Most of us just spend our time trying (oftentimes unsuccessfully) to hide all the residue left from a previous lover. Is that what dating is, hiding?
I am out to see if the same paradox exists within same sex dating. Something tells me it does.
...if men were stocks, they'd have plummeted by now. I may sound like every other single, jaded woman in the world. But I swear every man I have ever met in my life that has been of some interest to me or that has shared some time with me in some sort of relationship has been a failed stock.