Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm back!

I feel stronger. Than yesterday, than last week, than a month ago. It's so easy to feel this way when things are working out. I don't know if it's my mood swings, or if I am genuinely that much more thick skinned. I have been strong enough to be a shoulder to cry on for my friends. I used to always be that shoulder years ago. That's when problems were as simple as being broke, sad about family life and/or relationships--trivial, juvenile things like that.

But when you grow, your problems grow and become more significant and life changing. Take, V for instance. She married at a young age (while in college). My mother spoke it into existence, saying she wouldn't finish. And years later, she hasn't. She chose the life of a wife and mother. It seems as though when women make that choice, they are stuck with the life of a mother more so than the life of a wife. And men, shooooot, they get to do what they please because it's common knowledge and sometimes an unspoken understanding that women are the care providers. Yeah, they are exceptions to every rule...blah blah blah, but most times, that's how it ends up.

My sister is living through the same struggle of raising her children pretty much alone, even though she is with her baby's father. Why hasn't he committed to her and married her? They're already living together and doing what "grown folks" do, so what's the holdup? It's the desire of the single life still holding him back.

Problems. Problems that I shouldn't even be able to fathom because I haven't even been close to having them, but I understand them. I get their frustrations. I feel their hearts beat with passion for a life unlike their own, but the same heart that beats for the children they've created and watched grow.

Either way, I am stronger. I am strong enough to not only listen and truly care about what they are going through, but offer advice that is potent.

Take, J. J is someone that is just like me when it comes to love. It never seems to find him. He's built his self esteem on the lack of love in his life and it's painful to watch. I used to be that person. And I know the age old cliche, "you have to truly love yourself before you can love someone else," is incredibly elementary, but it's completely true. Most of the time I don't feel as though J loves himself which is what I have been trying to work on with him. I have been getting him to understand that he is in a great moment in his life right now, working in a career that he loves and making moves within that career. He's also working on his outer appearance (eating right/working out) and that in itself should make one feel better. But it doesn't always work that cut and dry. Being there for him and helping him to think positive was something I wasn't able to do, as little as 2 weeks ago. I've made a turn-around.

And it feels good to be able to get out of the bed on weekends and leave the house. It feels good to wake up in the morning NOT dreading the day. It feels good to be completely alone, but not lonely. It feels DAMN good to feel alive again. Depression will drain the LIFE outa you with no regards as to how you will endure it. I don't want to speak too soon, but I feel like I beat it.

1 comment:

Patty said...

Yay for you and being strong!