Thursday, May 15, 2008

I shouldn't left you...without a dope beat to step to.

Wow, it's been a hot minute since I blogged and I must say, I went back and read some of my old posts, and I am pretty interesting. :)

I always have something to write about, however, it's not until I sit down with the keyboard in front of me and the expectant white screen with the taunting blinking cursor staring back at me, that I freeze up. I think it's the pressure of being a writer and feeling like every single thing that I write needs to live up to that title that I self proclaim. I know it's not that serious though.

Speaking of, I have been learning not to take myself too seriously, while taking time to get to know ME and focusing on ME. I have been saying this to myself for far too long and now it's time for it to happen. In learning about myself and focusing on myself...I need to be by myself. That means, I need no distractions, sexual, emotional, physical, etc. Most of those distractions center around men. So, I will just say, I will need NO romantic interest of any kind at this point in my life.

Self discovery is a HARD thing to do and who knows how long this will take. What I do know is, God has put this on my heart and I have been avoiding it, thinking that I need companionship. Believe it or not, companionship, at this very moment in my life, irritates me. And I don't want it. I would have never thought that I would get to this point.

I remember a time in my life, well it's actually been most of my life; where I felt like I needed that romantic attention. I would spend so much time lying to myself..."he cares about me. I can change him. If I give him some, he will stay."

9 times outa 10, matter of fact, 10 times outa 10, that was untrue. All lies that I would feed myself. Until I was full. And even then I would push the lies around on my plate with my fork, waiting to be able to stuff those in too. It was a disgusting habit that I, for the most part, have been able to drop.

We all lie to ourselves and others, daily. It's a shame when it's second nature and it takes thought and effort to tell the truth. And why is it that people get uncomfortable or think its TMI when they ask, "how are you?" and you give them "Not too good. I am broke and can't afford to feed myself this week. But other than that I'm ok."

More soon...

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