Daddy,
Read me a bedtime story.
once upon a time,
there was a little girl
who fell down a well.
she couldn't swim,
so she floated at the top with the mosquitoes.
they taught her survival.
she grew to love the smell of algae
and thought she might just stay at the bottom
sucking fish eggs and belching guppies.
my daddy doesn't know me.
he doesn't know his little girl gives
head like an MVP.
he didn't hear the rumor that she was easy
when she was really just needy,
hungry,
sucking away like the mosquitoes
taught her to
to fill their empty spaces with anyone
willing to
give her
one night
one hour
or one glance
at her body
charging boys behind dumpsters to view
her scars
her scars
charging men their mortality for the
touching of her wounds
my wounds
because no one ever became president
after fucking me
or even a generally decent human
being.
you start digging through that rubble,
you'll have nightmares for weeks,
so put down the shovel
and come to bed.
daddy,
promise me there are no monsters under my bed-
or in between my thighs.
my daddy doesn't know that there are
girls standing in corners
hiding fistfuls of semen
waiting to be old enough to know what
to do with it.
he doesn't know there are
girls who kiss girls
who are afraid to kiss boys because
boys might just snatch the smile right
off your face.
he doesn't know there are girls that
sleep under grandma quilts.
stained comforters.
and men that remind them of
redemption.
it is the irony in searching for
salvation in the enemy
and the paradox in assuming that every
man you'll ever sleep with
is the enemy
and i have not had the heart to tell
my daddy
that there are girls who have shaken
hands with the devil
and i hear he steals fingernails,
making it very difficult for the girls
at the bottoms of wells
to claw their way out eventually.
my daddy asks me
what happened to my little girl
the one who used to dance on my feet?
i tell him she totes guns in her eyes
awaiting approaching disasters
like car bombs on cruise control.
she speaks in drips
and while you have stopped speaking
back
the mosquitoes are evolving
the fish taught me to swim
i feel my escape nearing
and i say
the devil can have my fingernails
cause i've still got
my teeth.
**My father, was never really my father. He was a man that would come around every so often, and basically kidnap me from my mother and take me to Winston Salem, NC. That was approximately 4 hours away from Rocky Mount. I hated waking up on the days I knew he was coming. He would get me 4 hours away from everything I loved to basically disappear on me. I wouldn't see him again until it was time to go back to Rocky Mount.
He'd leave me with her. That evil wench of a woman who resented me as a child. You know something has gotta be wrong with a woman that will resent a child. Well she did and she clearly added to my distaste of being at my father's.
The last time I saw him, was May of 2002. That was 5 years ago. Things got a little different between us when I got older. The calls stopped coming on birthdays and holidays and the money definitely stopped. My mother never took out child support, but whenever I needed something, he's provide. I guess he figured that could be his love and he wouldn't have to invest anything else into my growth as a person.
But after I graduated high school, he went MIA. Telling me he was going to send me money and never did. Just all kinds of false promises. Then the calls just stopped all together. No contact whatsoever. Not even an answer when I'd call. So I was pretty much over my father.
Then he decides to call on my birthday and on the message tell me that he is sorry for missing my call. He missed more than just one call. He missed about 3 years, if you count from the last time we were in contact.
...to be cont.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
D-Day.
Yes ladies and gentlemen. The day has arrived.
Let's not talk about my outfit because it was unworthy, ha.
Let's talk about how I got up at the crack of dawn to make it in to work. I stayed late and then had my dinner plans at Dip. Benz didn't come. I was so mad. But hey, I did get to spend time with him and he couldn't come because of work, so there was a good excuse.
At the last minute, I invited Ross. So it was just Chad, Ross and I. We had some great Greek fondue, drinks, and what have you. We shared decent conversations. Chad claims that it's always awkward around Ross. But things were cool.
Chad had to leave early, so Ross and I stayed, had another drink and walked and talked. It was nice to catch back up with him. He accepted a position as the fashion editor at some hip hop magazine and was telling me that he wanted to give me that position and work under me. I would really love for that to happen. But you know that feeling you get sometimes when you figure someone is just saying something because it sounds good instead of saying it and meaning it. Thats how I felt about him saying that to me.
Either way, it was a good birthday night.
Let's not talk about my outfit because it was unworthy, ha.
Let's talk about how I got up at the crack of dawn to make it in to work. I stayed late and then had my dinner plans at Dip. Benz didn't come. I was so mad. But hey, I did get to spend time with him and he couldn't come because of work, so there was a good excuse.
At the last minute, I invited Ross. So it was just Chad, Ross and I. We had some great Greek fondue, drinks, and what have you. We shared decent conversations. Chad claims that it's always awkward around Ross. But things were cool.
Chad had to leave early, so Ross and I stayed, had another drink and walked and talked. It was nice to catch back up with him. He accepted a position as the fashion editor at some hip hop magazine and was telling me that he wanted to give me that position and work under me. I would really love for that to happen. But you know that feeling you get sometimes when you figure someone is just saying something because it sounds good instead of saying it and meaning it. Thats how I felt about him saying that to me.
Either way, it was a good birthday night.
Day Seven
9/16-07
Why is day 7 not my birthday? I don't know. But it's a Sunday. I slept in, again. I woke around 7:48, which is when my niece wanted me to call her. I asked her the night before if she wanted me to be the first one to tell her happy birthday and she said yes. So when I asked her what time to call, she told me 8:48 am. Well, I guess she couldn't wait because she got me before I could get her.
Well, we spoke briefly and I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 12 something and did the whole wake and bake. Then I proceeded to chill around the house. I was going to a book festival of sorts, but I was being too lazy. That's my problem on the weekend. Being too tired to even get up and go to places. Just wanting to laze around.
I put on some light blue denim jeans, red and white polka dot shirt with grey blazer and red trunk belt.
I left the house to head to the book thing, but I figured, hey...why not mini shop. It's my birthday weekend! So I found a top to wear for the party and some shoes. I left from shopping and headed to see Chad and Jake, who cooked for me. I was super excited because we were going to eat and fly kites all evening lol. My 2 fave things!
So we ate our food, took mad pics, flew some kites, ate some more and took even more pics. The boys also got me a bottle of Grey Goose. Mmmm. Gotta love that. The night was too funny. Senitmentalllllllllllllll. hahaha. oh chad is hilarious. After that, we all left. Them, to go to the club, me, to go home. Once I got home, I put on some music and got ready for my big day.
Why is day 7 not my birthday? I don't know. But it's a Sunday. I slept in, again. I woke around 7:48, which is when my niece wanted me to call her. I asked her the night before if she wanted me to be the first one to tell her happy birthday and she said yes. So when I asked her what time to call, she told me 8:48 am. Well, I guess she couldn't wait because she got me before I could get her.
Well, we spoke briefly and I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 12 something and did the whole wake and bake. Then I proceeded to chill around the house. I was going to a book festival of sorts, but I was being too lazy. That's my problem on the weekend. Being too tired to even get up and go to places. Just wanting to laze around.
I put on some light blue denim jeans, red and white polka dot shirt with grey blazer and red trunk belt.
I left the house to head to the book thing, but I figured, hey...why not mini shop. It's my birthday weekend! So I found a top to wear for the party and some shoes. I left from shopping and headed to see Chad and Jake, who cooked for me. I was super excited because we were going to eat and fly kites all evening lol. My 2 fave things!
So we ate our food, took mad pics, flew some kites, ate some more and took even more pics. The boys also got me a bottle of Grey Goose. Mmmm. Gotta love that. The night was too funny. Senitmentalllllllllllllll. hahaha. oh chad is hilarious. After that, we all left. Them, to go to the club, me, to go home. Once I got home, I put on some music and got ready for my big day.
Day Six
9/15-07
Gotta love Saturday.
Oh man, was I excited to sleep in on this day. The week had me feeling weak, so I slept until 12 or so. Jumped out of bed because it was nice out. I thought it was going to be rainy and gross and it wasn't, so before the sky had a chance to turn black, I did my laundry. Ha, some birthday treat! But if I didn't do it that day, I'd never do it.
Laundry took a few hours. I managed to read ll the way thru the book of poetry I bought for myself the night prior. While at the laundromat, I noticed a lot more things than I usually notice. It was like my 3rd eye was open, lol! Well, I saw a man, writing poetry that I tried to read over his shoulder, but it didn't quite work. hmph. I wanted to know what he had to say.
Then there was a little Indian girl with her mother. She kept bothering her mother and her mother wasn't very attentive. So I guess that's why the little girl was being so worrysome. The girl took a hint, I guess, sat down and started playing "Smack That" on her mother's cell phone. Oh man, that was funny to me! A little Indian girl about 7 years or younger playing "Smack That". And jammin to it too!
So then when I got home, the laziness set in and plus I knew I had more juicy, so I kinda wanted to lay around all day and fly kites, if you catch my drift. So I made me some breakfast and chilled a bit, then when I was about to light it up, Chad called wanting to see a dance show. I did want to leave the house today, but I was just being lazy. By the time I looked up at the clock after getting off the phone, I noticed that it was 5pm.
The show started at 7:30 pm, so I had to be ready to leave the house by 6. I did a pretty good job of getting ready by 6:15, i thought (considering I did fly a kite a lil bit before I left). Dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, black pointy toe flats, yellow dress, black sweater, leopard belt, earrings, and scarf, I was ready to go. I invited Benz to come with and of course, he invited the Italian chick. Ugh. This is the chick he left me on Thursday night to go sleep with. I am noticing a recurring theme here. Someone likes the ladies a lil tooooo much.
Oh well. I am running late, so when I get to WTC, I call Benz to see where he is. I have 30 minutes to get there. I ask him to come get me, but he doesn't know how to get to WTC and says I can make it. So I hop on the train, just to ride it to 14th and get a cab from there. I finally hail a cab and traffic is a mess. I call Chad, he hasn't gone in yet, but you can tell he is losing his patience. Chad loves the dance. LOL.
So the cab gets me there with 3 minutes to spare before 7:30 and Benz is nowhere in sight. I call, and he says he is close. Chad and I go in, only to be told cash only. Chad had it, but I didn't so I leave to go across the street for cash. Meanwhile I look for Benz and I don't see him, so I call. He is inside. When I head down the stairs, I see him looking up at me and for a split second, I know I made him smile. He saw me and it was almost as if those beautiful green eyes sparkled for me.
Chad was already inside because he didn't want to miss a thing. Benz and I finally got in. I was happy because there I was with my Benzy and there was no Italian chick in sight. SCORE! We surprisingly found seats right behind Chad on this bench. I was happy that we got to sit together.
The show started with a bang. The very first one was great. It was a solo piece. Very moving. As the show continued, I continued to be unimpressed by some, but taken aback by many. There were some hugely talented dancers and some that were nothing to go gaga over. Benx kept texting most of the time and I was wondering why he was doing that. Turns out lil Miss Italian was on her way, but lost. Double Ugh!
He ended up getting up and using his phone while the show was on, but whilst we waited on another performance to start. Then he went out and used his phone. She is on her way, I thought. Great. After a while, he comes back in, with her. I could care less about her at this point, turn around to see him wave. I thought he was waving goodbye and I got mad and turned around. Then I gave him a lil wave.
I was being a hater. I regular Ducky. You see, Ducky is his best friend and she loves him more than friends. You can tell. But obv. he doesn't want Ducky or me for that matter because he knows he could easily have us, but he hasn't tried.
Dah well. So yes I was hating. I didn't look at her, but I invited her to come sit down. At this point I was indeed looking at her. She assured that she was fine and she didn't want to walk all in front of everyone. Ugh, whatever. Benz sat down and this silly ass chick stood in the back for the rest of the performance.
We ended up making plans to go drink A Blockhead's. We sat outside once we got there, ordered drinks and waited on Jake. She was being like a child with him. "I think you should give me a kiss" etc etc. All giggly and what not. GAG. Ok, so maybe I am still hating, but it was stupid. After we got our eat and drink on, we went out separate ways.
Benz invited me with him and her, I declined to go with Chad and Jake. Either way I would have felt like a 3rd wheel, but at least I know both Chad and Jake and them being together doesn't rub me the wrong way like it does with him and someone that doesn't deserve him. But I get the feeling that my hating ways will be pressed upon every girl that comes into his life romantically, morphing me into Ducky-ness.
I don't want it to be that way. i just want to be happy with who he chooses. He is a great guy that deserves an amazing girl. I think what makes me mad the most is that I feel like he is selling himself short just to have someone. Ooh well.
So Chad, Jake and I set out for 2 different bars. One was packed tight with hardly any service and the next one was packed just as tight. We stayed, Jake provided me with beers, and proceeded to get sick outside on someone's car and Chad and I continued to dance. LOL Some friends we are. We left shortly after. i called for some booty, but none was delivered. So I went home. Alone. Flied the kite a lil bit and got ready for my birthday's eve.
Gotta love Saturday.
Oh man, was I excited to sleep in on this day. The week had me feeling weak, so I slept until 12 or so. Jumped out of bed because it was nice out. I thought it was going to be rainy and gross and it wasn't, so before the sky had a chance to turn black, I did my laundry. Ha, some birthday treat! But if I didn't do it that day, I'd never do it.
Laundry took a few hours. I managed to read ll the way thru the book of poetry I bought for myself the night prior. While at the laundromat, I noticed a lot more things than I usually notice. It was like my 3rd eye was open, lol! Well, I saw a man, writing poetry that I tried to read over his shoulder, but it didn't quite work. hmph. I wanted to know what he had to say.
Then there was a little Indian girl with her mother. She kept bothering her mother and her mother wasn't very attentive. So I guess that's why the little girl was being so worrysome. The girl took a hint, I guess, sat down and started playing "Smack That" on her mother's cell phone. Oh man, that was funny to me! A little Indian girl about 7 years or younger playing "Smack That". And jammin to it too!
So then when I got home, the laziness set in and plus I knew I had more juicy, so I kinda wanted to lay around all day and fly kites, if you catch my drift. So I made me some breakfast and chilled a bit, then when I was about to light it up, Chad called wanting to see a dance show. I did want to leave the house today, but I was just being lazy. By the time I looked up at the clock after getting off the phone, I noticed that it was 5pm.
The show started at 7:30 pm, so I had to be ready to leave the house by 6. I did a pretty good job of getting ready by 6:15, i thought (considering I did fly a kite a lil bit before I left). Dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, black pointy toe flats, yellow dress, black sweater, leopard belt, earrings, and scarf, I was ready to go. I invited Benz to come with and of course, he invited the Italian chick. Ugh. This is the chick he left me on Thursday night to go sleep with. I am noticing a recurring theme here. Someone likes the ladies a lil tooooo much.
Oh well. I am running late, so when I get to WTC, I call Benz to see where he is. I have 30 minutes to get there. I ask him to come get me, but he doesn't know how to get to WTC and says I can make it. So I hop on the train, just to ride it to 14th and get a cab from there. I finally hail a cab and traffic is a mess. I call Chad, he hasn't gone in yet, but you can tell he is losing his patience. Chad loves the dance. LOL.
So the cab gets me there with 3 minutes to spare before 7:30 and Benz is nowhere in sight. I call, and he says he is close. Chad and I go in, only to be told cash only. Chad had it, but I didn't so I leave to go across the street for cash. Meanwhile I look for Benz and I don't see him, so I call. He is inside. When I head down the stairs, I see him looking up at me and for a split second, I know I made him smile. He saw me and it was almost as if those beautiful green eyes sparkled for me.
Chad was already inside because he didn't want to miss a thing. Benz and I finally got in. I was happy because there I was with my Benzy and there was no Italian chick in sight. SCORE! We surprisingly found seats right behind Chad on this bench. I was happy that we got to sit together.
The show started with a bang. The very first one was great. It was a solo piece. Very moving. As the show continued, I continued to be unimpressed by some, but taken aback by many. There were some hugely talented dancers and some that were nothing to go gaga over. Benx kept texting most of the time and I was wondering why he was doing that. Turns out lil Miss Italian was on her way, but lost. Double Ugh!
He ended up getting up and using his phone while the show was on, but whilst we waited on another performance to start. Then he went out and used his phone. She is on her way, I thought. Great. After a while, he comes back in, with her. I could care less about her at this point, turn around to see him wave. I thought he was waving goodbye and I got mad and turned around. Then I gave him a lil wave.
I was being a hater. I regular Ducky. You see, Ducky is his best friend and she loves him more than friends. You can tell. But obv. he doesn't want Ducky or me for that matter because he knows he could easily have us, but he hasn't tried.
Dah well. So yes I was hating. I didn't look at her, but I invited her to come sit down. At this point I was indeed looking at her. She assured that she was fine and she didn't want to walk all in front of everyone. Ugh, whatever. Benz sat down and this silly ass chick stood in the back for the rest of the performance.
We ended up making plans to go drink A Blockhead's. We sat outside once we got there, ordered drinks and waited on Jake. She was being like a child with him. "I think you should give me a kiss" etc etc. All giggly and what not. GAG. Ok, so maybe I am still hating, but it was stupid. After we got our eat and drink on, we went out separate ways.
Benz invited me with him and her, I declined to go with Chad and Jake. Either way I would have felt like a 3rd wheel, but at least I know both Chad and Jake and them being together doesn't rub me the wrong way like it does with him and someone that doesn't deserve him. But I get the feeling that my hating ways will be pressed upon every girl that comes into his life romantically, morphing me into Ducky-ness.
I don't want it to be that way. i just want to be happy with who he chooses. He is a great guy that deserves an amazing girl. I think what makes me mad the most is that I feel like he is selling himself short just to have someone. Ooh well.
So Chad, Jake and I set out for 2 different bars. One was packed tight with hardly any service and the next one was packed just as tight. We stayed, Jake provided me with beers, and proceeded to get sick outside on someone's car and Chad and I continued to dance. LOL Some friends we are. We left shortly after. i called for some booty, but none was delivered. So I went home. Alone. Flied the kite a lil bit and got ready for my birthday's eve.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Day Five
Fridayyyy! 9/14-07
I decided to put together a white shirt and light blue jeans with a pink sweater and pink, grey and blue tie. I wore pink flats and pink gumball sized earrings. It was tres cute.
So work went surprisingly well considering the amount of drinks I'd had the night before. I came bright eyed and bushy tailed. And it just reminded how young I am that I can do that. Heh. Good feeling.
Well after work I made plans last minute with Katrina to get some juicy, dinner and Nuyorican for a Poetry Slam. We meet up in the Lower East Side, walk around for a bit until we see Benny's Burritos. The name is something hardly to call home for, but it smelled good and there was outside seating. So we went.
We ended up sitting on the floor. The show was absolutely amazing. It must feel good to be a part of something so talented, so beautiful, so loving. I wished that for myself. These people are around my age, some older, and the way they write is seriously unmatched.
Katrina had me cracking up because we were both in pain on the floor and they kept bringing up more poets. She kept making lil joke comments about how someone said something about a break. LOL. It was so funny. Either way. I was more inspired than ever, bought a book, and went home. No before flying another kite though.
End of Day 5. What a feeling.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Day Four
9/13/07
I wore a black button up collared shirt with a lavendar tie and button earrings. I wore a pair of 7even jeans and black pointy toe flats. The day started pretty much like any other. I was excited because tonight, Benz would be joining in on the festivities.
After work, I headed over to Naked Lunch, the typical Thursday night destination with some coworkers. Let me tell you, they were lining up to buy me drinks. i coulnd't be happier. :) So after the 4th or 5th, I stopped counting and up pops Benz. Chad had been there at this point.
Usually we sit outside, shooting the breeze, eating and what not. But it got kinda chilly, so we stayed pretty much at the bar all night. Naked Lunch is pretty incognito, so there weren't many people there, mostly just Ogilvy.
Benz kept hitting on Galina all night. That didn't bother me, it was just that fact that Benz has to be interested in someone at every point of everyday and that irritates me. However, maybe I wanted him all to myself and that was what was irritating.
Well, after a series of vodka pineapples, shots and chicken, we were off to our next destination. Bar 13 for Pop Rocks. That's where Benz was throwing out $18 tips and repeating, "it's nothing!!!" So I tried calming him down by buying the next round and sitting him down. Then he announced that he was leaving. Reason...an Italian girl. Hmph.
I walk him to the train and come back, finsih my drink, do the terrace appearance, and head to the usual suspect...Taco Bell. We get our food, but not before I hit on Issa, the cashier and Jake tries to hook us up. It doesn't work. I think we scared her.
Eat. Then home sweet bed. :) Great Day.
I wore a black button up collared shirt with a lavendar tie and button earrings. I wore a pair of 7even jeans and black pointy toe flats. The day started pretty much like any other. I was excited because tonight, Benz would be joining in on the festivities.
After work, I headed over to Naked Lunch, the typical Thursday night destination with some coworkers. Let me tell you, they were lining up to buy me drinks. i coulnd't be happier. :) So after the 4th or 5th, I stopped counting and up pops Benz. Chad had been there at this point.
Usually we sit outside, shooting the breeze, eating and what not. But it got kinda chilly, so we stayed pretty much at the bar all night. Naked Lunch is pretty incognito, so there weren't many people there, mostly just Ogilvy.
Benz kept hitting on Galina all night. That didn't bother me, it was just that fact that Benz has to be interested in someone at every point of everyday and that irritates me. However, maybe I wanted him all to myself and that was what was irritating.
Well, after a series of vodka pineapples, shots and chicken, we were off to our next destination. Bar 13 for Pop Rocks. That's where Benz was throwing out $18 tips and repeating, "it's nothing!!!" So I tried calming him down by buying the next round and sitting him down. Then he announced that he was leaving. Reason...an Italian girl. Hmph.
I walk him to the train and come back, finsih my drink, do the terrace appearance, and head to the usual suspect...Taco Bell. We get our food, but not before I hit on Issa, the cashier and Jake tries to hook us up. It doesn't work. I think we scared her.
Eat. Then home sweet bed. :) Great Day.
Day Three
9/12/07...
I wore dark denim jeans with a beige lacey top and brown vest. I looked cuter than I felt. It was a pretty slow day for me. I didn't really have anything planned, so I went to Brooklyn after work and got my nail fixed, went to the grocery store, then tried to see my niece and nephew but their father wouldn't pick up the phone or answer the door.
So I went to get my mother a money order and I gave the man $40 for a $30 money order and when I saw that change he sat on the counter, it took all that was in me, not to widen my eyes and gape my mouth open.
There, lying on the counter, was $50 some odd dollars. Before he could get a second look, I scooped up the cash, put it in my wallet, wished him a good day, and was out there door with a pep in my step.
All I did that night was go home and cook. Woopty doo. But I guess the highlight was the $50 some odd dollars. Woo hoo!
I wore dark denim jeans with a beige lacey top and brown vest. I looked cuter than I felt. It was a pretty slow day for me. I didn't really have anything planned, so I went to Brooklyn after work and got my nail fixed, went to the grocery store, then tried to see my niece and nephew but their father wouldn't pick up the phone or answer the door.
So I went to get my mother a money order and I gave the man $40 for a $30 money order and when I saw that change he sat on the counter, it took all that was in me, not to widen my eyes and gape my mouth open.
There, lying on the counter, was $50 some odd dollars. Before he could get a second look, I scooped up the cash, put it in my wallet, wished him a good day, and was out there door with a pep in my step.
All I did that night was go home and cook. Woopty doo. But I guess the highlight was the $50 some odd dollars. Woo hoo!
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