Heartbreak(up)

I hardly ever title my pieces. I'm not even sure if this title will stand, but I needed something to title this blog with! I hope you like/understand/comment. :) It's catharsis for me & I should def write poems more often than I do. Enjoy.

We thrived in the freedom of our friendship

Flirty smiles morphed into full laughs

Heads tited back, mouths open--

There was delight in our infidelities

The whispered apologies on our lips

were hushed by our own mouths filled with sweet nothings

I held each & every nothing in a locket around my heart

It was sentimental to me because it was all you'd ever given me that wasn't soaked in pain

I clung to every promise that passed those parted pink lips

Devoured the morsels of lies like my just desserts

Because I just deserved to have someone who loves me

Like you do

Like I thought you did

Like you made me believe you did

Leading me right into the thick of love

with no compass or North Star

to guide me safely home

where I sit alone...in the dark

& between shuddering sobs, I reach--

Hands blindly patting the walls, searching

for that switch you used to turn your heart off

Instead, I find your discarded crown

The one I struggled to hold high atop your head

because you refused to wear it on your own

I needed you to be royalty, robed in purple...noble

because that's how I treated you

You were always more than a Queen to me

You were the entire castle...a Kingdom

What a royal flush you turned out to be

But I clung to the perpetual pain you presented me with

Rocking back & forth, like a pendulum

& I hung on, pretending it didn't hurt

Gripping tight, knuckles white

Face pale, sweat shining like diamonds...

Except, it's worth nothing.
Worthless.

The way I saw it, nothing could be worth more

Which is why I compromised everything within me, for you.

I was too busy giggling about your previous chick's insecurities & insanities--
Those secrets you shared about her that should have been silenced

But I listened, too preoccupied in you that I never realized

you weren't to be trusted

I just wrapped all of that in the butterflies you gave me & called it love

Thinking a pretty package could conceal what was real

Maybe I wouldn't have held on so tight, white knuckles & all if you didn't make me all those promises

Premises built on a shaky foundation--

We were destined for failure & I believe you knew that

& used that--

I was pawned in your strategic game of love.

Checkmate. I guess.

I sound bitter as all hell in this piece, but truth be told it's been a few months in the making & at this point--to that love--I'm over it. I'm over the agonizing pain of it. I realized the stupidity that I was succumbing to by being in that relationship. I'm not even mad at said person, I still love this person & always will. Love isn't immature--no matter how irrational it makes you feel at times. And in my own journey through emotional growth, I've learned that even the bad ones teach you something. Lesson learned.

Prayer Changes Things.

So a weird thing just happened to me. I say weird because I really don't know how I feel about it. I was knee-deep in a prayer. I haven't had a core-shaking prayer in such a long time. In my prayer, I asked for the strength to pull through life and make it into what I know it can be.



God had blessed me in so many ways and there is no reason for me not to be able to achieve my wildest dreams. No reason, but myself. I believe there's a grey, misty massive grey cloud of fear over my head and the sad part is, I don't even know what I am afraid of.


I'm not one of those people afraid to succeed. In fact, that's what I welcome. But I block myself. I ground myself and surround myself with things that weigh me down. At times I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I've fallen in & out of depression & I intend to beat it. In fact..that's what my prayer summed up to.

I was praying aloud. I ended up standing, closing my eyes, tilting my head back & fists balled up. I was in a moment. It felt as if I was performing a poem. When that dawned on me, I broke my prayer and got my pen & pad. There was a split second where I felt guilty for stunting my prayer because it sounded like a good poem that I wanted to write down.

When it came down to it, I didn't even remember a significant enough amount to make sense of anything & I couldn't even get back in the groove to complete my prayer. Two fails for the price of one. Hmph! But I needed a jumpstart to the more poetic writer side of myself because she's been silenced for a while.

Prayer really does change things & sometimes those things aren't even what you're asking about at the time. God knows us so well, He's able to give us the things we need before we can even anticipate or even know that we even want those things.



Even Ghandi said, "If you don't ask, you don't get." What I am going to be asking for.?The strength to go through the bad with grace. And the power to live my purpose. I was put here for a reason & the cool thing about life is--we get to spend our lives finding out what that purpose is. That's beautiful. I don't want to crumble at the thought of being able to live an amazing life. I'm gonna live...fully.

Amen.

I am in LOVE!

No, not because he's handsome, but because his poetry speaks to me in ways that some poets that go over my head...can't. It's not some school girl crush, where I scribble his name across my Trapper Keeper pages, but it's a love for his words, passion, strength, potency, interpretations and his amazing ability to wrap imagery in symbolism. Mmm. I'm in love.

I saw him perform once at Nuyo's and I had to buy his chat book and lemme tell you, the pages are WORN.

Slam of The Ages

Who knew teenagers could be so dang deep and just all around incredible! I mean, if you thought our youth was going to hell in a handbasket (never understood this saying) well, these kids are here to show you otherwise. I went to the Slam of the Ages last Friday and let's just say, I was completely floored. Here is one of my fave pieces of the evening. There's more, but apparently blogger will only let me upload one video per post. LAME!



I also got to see one of my long, lost buddies who came to visit for the week for her Bday and specifically this slam. Jade, you rock my freakin' world! I also invited this actress that I interviewed earlier in the week and she showed up! Not only did she show up, but we clicked like crazy and partied all night, burlesque and all. It was an amazing night. There was another long lost friend involved, but I really shouldn't get into that. All in all, a phenomenal weekend.