Heartbreak(up)

I hardly ever title my pieces. I'm not even sure if this title will stand, but I needed something to title this blog with! I hope you like/understand/comment. :) It's catharsis for me & I should def write poems more often than I do. Enjoy.

We thrived in the freedom of our friendship

Flirty smiles morphed into full laughs

Heads tited back, mouths open--

There was delight in our infidelities

The whispered apologies on our lips

were hushed by our own mouths filled with sweet nothings

I held each & every nothing in a locket around my heart

It was sentimental to me because it was all you'd ever given me that wasn't soaked in pain

I clung to every promise that passed those parted pink lips

Devoured the morsels of lies like my just desserts

Because I just deserved to have someone who loves me

Like you do

Like I thought you did

Like you made me believe you did

Leading me right into the thick of love

with no compass or North Star

to guide me safely home

where I sit alone...in the dark

& between shuddering sobs, I reach--

Hands blindly patting the walls, searching

for that switch you used to turn your heart off

Instead, I find your discarded crown

The one I struggled to hold high atop your head

because you refused to wear it on your own

I needed you to be royalty, robed in purple...noble

because that's how I treated you

You were always more than a Queen to me

You were the entire castle...a Kingdom

What a royal flush you turned out to be

But I clung to the perpetual pain you presented me with

Rocking back & forth, like a pendulum

& I hung on, pretending it didn't hurt

Gripping tight, knuckles white

Face pale, sweat shining like diamonds...

Except, it's worth nothing.
Worthless.

The way I saw it, nothing could be worth more

Which is why I compromised everything within me, for you.

I was too busy giggling about your previous chick's insecurities & insanities--
Those secrets you shared about her that should have been silenced

But I listened, too preoccupied in you that I never realized

you weren't to be trusted

I just wrapped all of that in the butterflies you gave me & called it love

Thinking a pretty package could conceal what was real

Maybe I wouldn't have held on so tight, white knuckles & all if you didn't make me all those promises

Premises built on a shaky foundation--

We were destined for failure & I believe you knew that

& used that--

I was pawned in your strategic game of love.

Checkmate. I guess.

I sound bitter as all hell in this piece, but truth be told it's been a few months in the making & at this point--to that love--I'm over it. I'm over the agonizing pain of it. I realized the stupidity that I was succumbing to by being in that relationship. I'm not even mad at said person, I still love this person & always will. Love isn't immature--no matter how irrational it makes you feel at times. And in my own journey through emotional growth, I've learned that even the bad ones teach you something. Lesson learned.

All We Need is Love...in Movie Form

Lately, Ive been lucky enough to catch some great flicks. Usually, movies pretty much suck for me and I end up irritated afterwards that I wasted time and money. With 500 Days of Summer and Paper Heart--it was quite the opposite. Both movies were significantly different, but shared the basic theme of love.

500 Days of Summer followed a boy meets girl story throughout the 500 day span of their interactions. When Tom (male lead) met Summer (female lead) at his greeting card job, he was automatically smitten because she was beautiful. Outer appearance is usually the first part of attraction and connection.

Once Tom actually got a chance to speak with Summer and he learned that they shared some musical interest, Tom claimed she was the one. How many times have you met someone, had an inital interest, then they do or say something and you are convinced that this is the love of your life? I know it happens more times than not, but what this movie was set out to do was prove that just because you feel as if someone is the one--they may very well not be your one. This person may make up a significant part of your life, but that doesn't mean that this is your soul mate. I loved the reality of the movie, allowing us to follow Tom's journey of making Summer his, when she didn't want to be. It wasn't that Summer didn't give Tom the time of day she just preferred to be single and go with the flow.

You know the type, typically men are more the "no label"types, bouncing from chick to chick, not committing to any of them. In this movie, it was Summer. She never lead Tom on, but Tom had already placed her on a pedestal, which clouded his judgment in the things she did and said. Everything she did, he took as an act of love and was sadly mistaken when Summer threw him for a loop at the end of the movie. That's why this film resonated with me. It didn't do the cliche happily ever after ending, it was real and let you know what happens in relationships. Sometimes, they fail and it hurts, but it's about moving on and still believing in love enough to get up, dust off and try again.

Paper Heart, on the other hand was reality to the -enth degree. It was actually a documentary. We follow Charlene Yi as she travels the country, getting an idea of what love is from random people she conducts interviews with. Of course everyone has their own definition of love and if you ask me, there isn't one--especially since love is based on a case by case scale (in my mind). In the process of doing all her field research, Charlene meets Michael Sera (yes of Superbad/Juno fame) and it would seem that the two are totally meant to be and falling for one another, but Charlene's documentary ends up getting in the way.

She committed herself to the project and with Michael entering the picture, she couldn't very well pull out of the movie just because she wanted to hang out with him without the cameras. Their interaction was quirky, honest, sweet and unconventional. One thing I always have to deal with in dating is the person I'm dating focusing so much on the physical, that they don't take the time to get to know who I am. I loved the fact that Michael thought Charlene was interesting and wanted to get to know more about her. That sounds simple enough, but honestly people nowadays are after instant gratification, seeking physical connection before something deeper, something more substantial. Charlene is very low key, Jeanine Garafulo-esque and just is who she is, not pretending to be anything or anyone else. She's not flashy, provocative or over-the-top and Michael still saw something in her that he wanted to know more about.

She admitted that she wasn't in love with Michael and was mostly sad that he wanted her to love him. She made a potent statement that I loosely translate like this: Just because I don't love him, doesn't mean that I am ready to be without him. I agree with her on that. She mad a connection with him that neither of them can deny. Michael realized he didn't want to be in the relationship with her, but Charlene knew that there was something there that she owed it to herself to explore. So, explore it she did. Michael accepted her back and the ending was left pretty open.

Love is a very complicated thing, that may never be fully defined accurately. But one thing you can say about love is, there is no way to simplify it. We must go through the heartbreaks, struggles, confusion, frustrations, desperations, and whatever else, because we were designed by God to love. The only perfect love there is, is the love between us and God. Every other love pales in comparison and therefore is always a discrepancy between the two people in love. How much of yourself should you sacrifice for love? How much heartache should you have to tolerate from someone before you realize that this person isn't the end all be all?

I have so many questions and opinions about love. When it all comes out. I still end up asking questions. Either way, the point is...love. Live through it and learn through it, but most of all, never forget that love isn't perfect. It's laced with ups, downs and the like. It's all in how we handle those obstacles.

Eff Age, Intelligence, Chemistry and all that.

Wow, that was short lived. My walk on the old side with my Forty-Five ended as quickly as it began. We clicked so amazingly over the phone--convos were always healthy and filled with passion on both of our ends. I said just yesterday to a friend of mine, even if this doesn't work out romantically, I want this man in my life. He's different, a breath of fresh air and just fits me.

The cool thing about him was the fact that he was from this old school rap crew--The Ultramagnetic MC's. Yeah, your girl pulled a celeb of sorts. o_O Well "Ced Gee" was credited with making the sample game what it is today. So, suck it Yeezy!

Last night was the proverbial straw that broke this budding relationship's back. After I came home, I went over to Planet Fitness where they had this amazing new $10 a month and $1 down deal that I had to take advantage of, so my Forty-Five met me over there.

All was cool on the way to my house, but then in the back of my mind, I thought, it's late, am I sending the wrong impression? The impression of hanging out at my house on our first real chill time together. Keep in mind, since we met at 72nd street, it's only been phone calls. He certainly had me up on a pedestal, talking about getting me a ring, a house, always appreciating me, going through the good/bad/struggles, all that. He wanted me around. He even called me "the one."

So what happened? Shortly after getting to my house and turning on For the Love of Ray J, he started making his self righteous assumptions. Claiming that since Ray didn't have any black chicks in the final three that he is a self hater---hates his race and all this other pro-black bullshit. Then he goes into why I must have some because I told him that I dated outside of my race. I let all of that slide.

Even before we got to my house, this dude pointed out an advertisement that had a man in a Scottish kilt and he called it some "faggot type shit." Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of gay friends and that my best friend is indeed gay. So, anyone I date, would need to have some basic form of tolerance. You don't have to accept it, but you don't have to be ignorant about it either. This mess is coming from someone who claims to be so enlightened.

Fast fwd to after Ray J goes off. He's laying there saying he's tired and he wants to crash. Ok, sleeping over on the first "date" a definite no, but this guy is different, remember? So, I let him stay. I asked him before I climbed into bed if we were going to talk ourselves to sleep and he said he didn't have the energy. Ok, fine. I lay down, get good and comfy and he goes to kiss me and it's one of the grossest moments of my life. His tongue tasted sour and it felt like he had no clue what he was doing. After about 5 seconds of that, I turn over and try to get some rest.

This fool then takes this as an opportunity to climb on top of me and begin humping my butt like a horny 12 year old. At this point, I am in complete shock. Here I am, laying here, not reacting because I'm in shock and this guy is still humping me. I ask, what are you doing? He says, humping you. Wow. Straight forward. Crazy how just a couple hours prior, that was what I dug most about him. I asked him to stop, he pulls my shorts down. I try to push him off, he says, I want to nut. He tells me he is about to cum on my shorts ( and yes this is in real time) and I say would you PLEASE just stop!? He pulls my pants down farther. I am pissed and gaining some strength at this point, passed the initial shock. I tell him to GET OFF OF ME and I push him.

He rolls over like nothing happened. I'm laying there shaking, crying and feeling used. I thought this guy was different. He doesn't even ask me why am I crying or anything. He just lays there. I say to him, do you even care? He says, about what? About the fact that you claim to be so different and you treat me like a sexual object. I have never in my life felt so used. At least these other dudes out here pretend to romance me first before humping me like a dog in heat. He says, what's romance?

I tell him it's the time between when you first meet someone and when you ask them to marry you. (Thanks Love Jones) It's letting someone know what you mean to them. He tells me I'm living in a fantasy world. I said no, I'm living in a world that I think I deserve more than just a hump in the dark. He tells me that the "chemistry" that he thought we had was nothing. Just a few hours ago, I was "the one." Now, I'm nothing. Right. You can see yourself out...of my life.

I guess that just goes to show, even when a man is completely upfront with you, he's still a liar, manipulator and jerk. I try my best not to let the next one pay for what the last one did, but I am going to have a hard time opening up after this. It seems like one disappointment right after the other, How much of this BS can one person stomach?