I'm moving!

I don't have many blog readers here (that I know of--some of you may be stealthily stalking me lol) & in order to make good with a new years resolution I made to follow thru with things, I'm moving. I've made a leap to Squarespace.com. On this new site, I will feature my own personal blog, insights, thoughts, fictional short stories (maybe even a few non-fiction), poetry & professional published articles. It will be almost like an online profolio, only a tad more personal.

I'm not sure if this move will actually work or if I'll come crawling back to blogspot with my tail between my legs, but there's only one way to find out & that's to try. Want to come with me to the new digs? www.rhapso-DY.com

Keep in mind that it's a work in progress. Oh, & I'm an artist & I'm sensitive about my shiz. Thanks for rocking with me & now, thanks for moving with me! Let's grow together!

Emotional Baggage Weighing You Down?

Baggage. People carry around so much with them on a daily basis. Some people know it & some schlep it with them everywhere they go without even realizing it. It's very hard to move on from a past love(s), like(s) or infatuation if your heart was 100% true with that person. Sure, breakups are hard & often times we're left bitter & disliking, sometimes hating the ex, but those feelings are still there. Essentially because love & hate are cut from the same cloth--one that isn't easily ripped ot torn.

Even when you are so sure deep within you that you're ready to move on, feelings linger. I had a conversation with a potential boo yesterday & I was asked the infamous question, "Tell me about your last relationship." Oh Lord! Here we go! My last relationship is difficult to explain in a short & sweet statement. It has history, complications, friendship, homosexuality & all kinds of red tape wrapped up in it. I didn't really want to talk about it to him because having to divulge all of that to somene that doesn't really know you, takes a lot of understanding. Nine times out of ten, people aren't understanding.

But, I told him the story from start to finish, leaving out parts that were too deep to disclose. I couldn't really explain the reason we broke up because, well, I didn't understand it myself. Especially when she started that conversation with something like, "I couldn't even ask for more in this relationship." He wanted to go back farther than her. Those "relationships" were even harder to talk about because they were never really relationships at all. They were flings, friends with benefits & beneifts without the friends. I get this all the time, but he was surprised because I am, "way too beautiful inside & out to not have any committed relationships in my past." He asks me why.

I have no answer for him. Shoot, I don't know. It's not like I was going around saying I didn't want to be in a relationship. The only thing I could say was that I may have given the ice cream away for free too much & no one wanted to buy the truck. I was never a slut, but when I really liked someone, they didn't have to work hard for it. :( I hate admitting that, but that cannot be the reason why committed relationships hid from me in the past.

He then asked what type of things do I like for my significant other to do for me. I thought I would have a list of things, but when I opened my mouth, it shocked me that I had nothing. Not one single idea. Hmm. Why?-because I have never had a significant other do anything romantic or thoughful for me. Ever. Well one dude bought me flowers once. lol But, I thought back to all the romantic things I've done for lovers--elaborate meals, gifts that took lots of thought, seeing something that I knew that he/she would like & getting it for them just so I could see them smile, lap dances, notes, poems--I'm a simple kind of romantic, but it has never been reciprocated. I never noticed until he asked me that. He started making suggestions of things he wants to do for me.

My automatic reaction was telling him that he didn't have to. He countered my argument, telling me that he knows he doesn't have to, but as a woman that he's into, I need to know I'm special to him. He tells me I would never be unappreciated. I didn't even know how to act. I had to almost force myself to believe him. Damn baggage. I remember when I used to assume the best in everyone. Constant disappointments lead me to another path. Guilty until proven innocent. I don't like this morphed way of thinking. I'd rather be a bright-eyed optimist. At least then, I could view the world & my love life with rose colored glasses, like I used to & each time I dusted myself off to try again, they slate would be clean, instead of cloudy because of the previous person.

It's a defensive action--trying your best to protect your own heart. Which is 100% understandable, but in order to completely move on, you must let go. If you hold on to your hurt, you're not only holding on to something that is over, but you're making it less possible to actually move on. It's a learning process for me, especially since I had no clue I was holding on. Now that I'm clued in, I look forward dropping all that baggage.

Heartbreak(up)

I hardly ever title my pieces. I'm not even sure if this title will stand, but I needed something to title this blog with! I hope you like/understand/comment. :) It's catharsis for me & I should def write poems more often than I do. Enjoy.

We thrived in the freedom of our friendship

Flirty smiles morphed into full laughs

Heads tited back, mouths open--

There was delight in our infidelities

The whispered apologies on our lips

were hushed by our own mouths filled with sweet nothings

I held each & every nothing in a locket around my heart

It was sentimental to me because it was all you'd ever given me that wasn't soaked in pain

I clung to every promise that passed those parted pink lips

Devoured the morsels of lies like my just desserts

Because I just deserved to have someone who loves me

Like you do

Like I thought you did

Like you made me believe you did

Leading me right into the thick of love

with no compass or North Star

to guide me safely home

where I sit alone...in the dark

& between shuddering sobs, I reach--

Hands blindly patting the walls, searching

for that switch you used to turn your heart off

Instead, I find your discarded crown

The one I struggled to hold high atop your head

because you refused to wear it on your own

I needed you to be royalty, robed in purple...noble

because that's how I treated you

You were always more than a Queen to me

You were the entire castle...a Kingdom

What a royal flush you turned out to be

But I clung to the perpetual pain you presented me with

Rocking back & forth, like a pendulum

& I hung on, pretending it didn't hurt

Gripping tight, knuckles white

Face pale, sweat shining like diamonds...

Except, it's worth nothing.
Worthless.

The way I saw it, nothing could be worth more

Which is why I compromised everything within me, for you.

I was too busy giggling about your previous chick's insecurities & insanities--
Those secrets you shared about her that should have been silenced

But I listened, too preoccupied in you that I never realized

you weren't to be trusted

I just wrapped all of that in the butterflies you gave me & called it love

Thinking a pretty package could conceal what was real

Maybe I wouldn't have held on so tight, white knuckles & all if you didn't make me all those promises

Premises built on a shaky foundation--

We were destined for failure & I believe you knew that

& used that--

I was pawned in your strategic game of love.

Checkmate. I guess.

I sound bitter as all hell in this piece, but truth be told it's been a few months in the making & at this point--to that love--I'm over it. I'm over the agonizing pain of it. I realized the stupidity that I was succumbing to by being in that relationship. I'm not even mad at said person, I still love this person & always will. Love isn't immature--no matter how irrational it makes you feel at times. And in my own journey through emotional growth, I've learned that even the bad ones teach you something. Lesson learned.

I've Got A Love Jones For Nia Long!

MY NIA LONG INTERVIEW


Last year, a friend of mine gave me tickets to a fashion show at Bryant Park's Fashion Week. I've never been one that was into fashion, but I wanted to see what the hooplah was all about, so I took the tickets. Boy was I happy I did! There was so much excitement in the tents, but also so many wannabes (which is what usually keeps me away from that world.) I got to the show & found out that I was FRONT ROW. For those of you that don't know, front row is usually reserved for big deals. & boy did I feel like one!



I sat & patiently waited for the show to start and noticed a few famous reality show faces in the crowd. Of course people were asking for autographs and pictures with the reality stars. I didn't make any moves to do that, until Nia Long walked in & sat directly across from me. As a journalist, I get to meet celebrities all the time, interview them, connect with them--so I try my best to remain unphased--or at least try not to be starstruck.



That's a hard task to do when you've loved someone from afar for YEARS. I have been a fan of Nia's since she was on Guiding Light. Love Jones is also my favorite movie of all time! So, I sat there and composed myself, waiting for an opening in the limitless requests for pictures with her and autographs. Then, there was one. I walked over to her, introduced myself & told her that I work for Honey & that I wanted to include her in Honey's relaunch. (At that time, Honey was working hard a recreating their presence). Nia was a Honey covergirl back in the day before Honey folded, so I knew she would be excited about being a part of the new & improved Honey.



I was right. She gave me her publicist's info, we shook hands again & that was that. It took some time to get the interview, but once I did--Nia reached out to me personally. (Which means I have her phone number--you couldn't have told a 14 year old Danielle that she would one day chop it up with her favorite actress or even possess her number!) We conducted the interview over a couple of days and built up a bit of a repore. She's so refreshing.



Well, I then gave the finished product to Honey & they let it collect dust on the shelf, printing stories on Nicki Minaj, Trey Songz & whoever else they decided was better than Nia Long. An entire year later, (the present) Nia starts getting recognition for her role in Chris Rock's "Good Hair" & I notice that she is on ESSENCE'S November cover. I tweet about it and inquire in a sarcastic way if Honey';s going to use the interview I did on Nia.



The very next day, I get an email from the features editor, saying they want to print the story & need to me resend. I kindly oblige because that's what I was waiting on, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't the least bit peeved about it. Even though I have been there from the beginning of Honey's relaunch (helping them with focus groups, meetings, whatever they needed), I feel like they treat me like just another writer. And that, I am not. I bring them stories, featuring A-listers and I support them like you wouldn't believe. You would think that they'd give me some recognition or at least a position at the magazine.



Then, on twitter, I noticed that TheYBF.com was featuring my interview on their site. I got no individual credit, (not even a shoutout on Twitter) however when you clicked on the link for the interview & it took you to Honey's site, my name is there. I guess I should be grateful for that?



I am all about paying my dues, but I believe I have at this point. How do you know when it's time to move on? How do you know you're being used in a freelance situation, rather that utilized? Should I just suck it up & be gratfeul that I am a working journalist with incredible clips?