Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Emotional Baggage Weighing You Down?

Baggage. People carry around so much with them on a daily basis. Some people know it & some schlep it with them everywhere they go without even realizing it. It's very hard to move on from a past love(s), like(s) or infatuation if your heart was 100% true with that person. Sure, breakups are hard & often times we're left bitter & disliking, sometimes hating the ex, but those feelings are still there. Essentially because love & hate are cut from the same cloth--one that isn't easily ripped ot torn.

Even when you are so sure deep within you that you're ready to move on, feelings linger. I had a conversation with a potential boo yesterday & I was asked the infamous question, "Tell me about your last relationship." Oh Lord! Here we go! My last relationship is difficult to explain in a short & sweet statement. It has history, complications, friendship, homosexuality & all kinds of red tape wrapped up in it. I didn't really want to talk about it to him because having to divulge all of that to somene that doesn't really know you, takes a lot of understanding. Nine times out of ten, people aren't understanding.

But, I told him the story from start to finish, leaving out parts that were too deep to disclose. I couldn't really explain the reason we broke up because, well, I didn't understand it myself. Especially when she started that conversation with something like, "I couldn't even ask for more in this relationship." He wanted to go back farther than her. Those "relationships" were even harder to talk about because they were never really relationships at all. They were flings, friends with benefits & beneifts without the friends. I get this all the time, but he was surprised because I am, "way too beautiful inside & out to not have any committed relationships in my past." He asks me why.

I have no answer for him. Shoot, I don't know. It's not like I was going around saying I didn't want to be in a relationship. The only thing I could say was that I may have given the ice cream away for free too much & no one wanted to buy the truck. I was never a slut, but when I really liked someone, they didn't have to work hard for it. :( I hate admitting that, but that cannot be the reason why committed relationships hid from me in the past.

He then asked what type of things do I like for my significant other to do for me. I thought I would have a list of things, but when I opened my mouth, it shocked me that I had nothing. Not one single idea. Hmm. Why?-because I have never had a significant other do anything romantic or thoughful for me. Ever. Well one dude bought me flowers once. lol But, I thought back to all the romantic things I've done for lovers--elaborate meals, gifts that took lots of thought, seeing something that I knew that he/she would like & getting it for them just so I could see them smile, lap dances, notes, poems--I'm a simple kind of romantic, but it has never been reciprocated. I never noticed until he asked me that. He started making suggestions of things he wants to do for me.

My automatic reaction was telling him that he didn't have to. He countered my argument, telling me that he knows he doesn't have to, but as a woman that he's into, I need to know I'm special to him. He tells me I would never be unappreciated. I didn't even know how to act. I had to almost force myself to believe him. Damn baggage. I remember when I used to assume the best in everyone. Constant disappointments lead me to another path. Guilty until proven innocent. I don't like this morphed way of thinking. I'd rather be a bright-eyed optimist. At least then, I could view the world & my love life with rose colored glasses, like I used to & each time I dusted myself off to try again, they slate would be clean, instead of cloudy because of the previous person.

It's a defensive action--trying your best to protect your own heart. Which is 100% understandable, but in order to completely move on, you must let go. If you hold on to your hurt, you're not only holding on to something that is over, but you're making it less possible to actually move on. It's a learning process for me, especially since I had no clue I was holding on. Now that I'm clued in, I look forward dropping all that baggage.

1 comment:

Valerie said...

Loved it! Ask me why on the way home (lol) i was singing Erykah Badu's "Bag Lady." Yeah...gotta let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go....