Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Same Sex Dating

I was not at all nervous about my first girl on girl date. Actually, I was completely fine until we sat down at the table. It seemed like a lil friendly get together, until we officially sat down. Then, it became a date. I learned that blind dates are never fun. Even if you see the photo of that person, ask to see more than one and ask to see body shots. Now I know why people who date on the internet are so picky about photos.

She wasn't all that I expected, but not too bad. The date was the most boring I'd ever been on. There was generally no conversation and it seemed no interest in each other. What made me feel a certain way about the whole experience, was the fact that she was almost just like a dude in her actions. I thought the date was just going all around BAD, however, she still wanted to get together and cuddle all up and watch porn, yes porn.

Every date I have ever gone on has been unconventional and that doesn't bother me. It's just weird that after being on an excruciatingly bad date, one would think that we'd be ready to both part ways, mutually. I think she wanted to experiment so bad, she didn't factor in our lack of chemistry.

In all honesty, I didn't mind that much either, because I wanted to experiment too. And experiment I did. I realized that I actually do like girls in the same way that I like boys and I'm ok with that. I blindly though dating girls would be so much better/easier/less stressful, but I see right now that is an assumption and assumption only.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I know what GIRLS like...

...Girls like ME. (And, I like girls.)

I have been dealing with issues with my sexuality for a while. At first, it was moreso internal than anything else. Then, I would let it slip out on occasions; as far as me following a beautiful pair of legs, hips and butt around the room with my eyes and thinking a plethora of dirty thoughts. I never caught myself doing it until someone else caught me doing it.

One night at this bar, I saw a girl with the epitome of a coco-cola body and she was wearing some tight jeans and a form fitting shirt, all tucked in so that you could SEE that curve in her back as she glided across the floor. My eyes followed her from her point A, to her point B, and on to her point C and this guy tapped me and was like, "yeah, I see that." I looked confused at first, like what are you talking about? Then I realized that I had not let that woman out of my sight since she walked into it.

Then of course there was the "experience." I kissed a few girls in college and just thought I was doing the quintessential drunken college girl thing. I mean, we used to make out with EVERYBODY. But, when I would pucker my lips towards a female, there was more than just the excitement of OMG, I'm about to kiss a chick; there was a desire. A STRONG desire.

Ok, so I battled with myself on whether or not I would include this part, but I am a pretty open person--any of my friends will tell you, so I figure, why spare you? I will however, spare you the dirty flirty details.

I was involved in a 3some not too long ago and let's just say I was the central point of interest. I was pulled into (not by force) by a friend of mine that I had known a few years. I always knew this girl was a FREAK and never thought she would ask me to play a part in her freakdom, but she did and I submitted gladly.

I am none too sure what happened with the fella, but he couldn't perform. It was very embarrassing really. I mean, you have 2 beautiful girls all over each other and you could not rise to the occasion. So, moral of story: The chick wore me OUT and I felt good about that. It seemed to me to be more confirmation.

Which leads us to now. I, like most women, have had some of the worst luck with men. When you sit down and think about every single time that I have had involvement with men, it's gone bad. Sour, even. So, what's the common denominator? Me, of course. So, it's only natural that I think the problem lies in me. I need protection from myself!

I am not one to deny my faults or where I fall short and I know that I am imperfect. But there were MANY MANY times in my dealings with men where I was straight PLAYED and that has certainly taken a toll out on my heart/trust/openness and many other things that are important when you are trying to date.

Which all that damage comes out when you are trying to get to know someone new and often clouds your judgment. So, how do you enter a new situation with a completely clean slate? You can't. Most of us just spend our time trying (oftentimes unsuccessfully) to hide all the residue left from a previous lover. Is that what dating is, hiding?

I am out to see if the same paradox exists within same sex dating. Something tells me it does.

...if men were stocks, they'd have plummeted by now. I may sound like every other single, jaded woman in the world. But I swear every man I have ever met in my life that has been of some interest to me or that has shared some time with me in some sort of relationship has been a failed stock.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Reflect HIM

"Let this same attitude and purpose and humble mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus. Let Him be your example in humility" (Philippians 2:5 AMP).

The scripture starts with the word "let," which automatically takes on a spirit of invitation. When we are reborn as believers, we INVITE the Lord into our lives. Meaning we become children of the Most High.

I don't know about you guys, but that is a lot of pressure. I know that your parents often mold you into the best person that they can and that is no different when you accept God as a father.

Happy Belated Father's Day God. (since I didn't publish this until 2 days after). I hope that I have not disappointed you in being who I am. That's a rather potent statement that often leads to my own misunderstanding of being a believer.

According to the core of "Christianity," I should be better than what I am. Can I really say that I try to be the best person that I can be? I am not so sure that I put up a fight, but I can say that I put up some effort.

The last thing a child wants to be to their parent, is a disappointment. And here lies the pressure of being a believer. Should I not try at all, especially when I know I am not trying my best? Why is it so hard to give God the best of me?

Also, am I only trying so that I can avoid the horrible fate of Hell? I don't want to feel as though I am being selfish by following God because going to Heaven is more appealing than that opposite fate. I know that to feel like I am following God's path for me, I have to sincerely know in my heart and believe, but why is it so hard for me to feel that passion?

I feel like I am floating through life and going through the motions with no specific direction or purpose. I feel as though all the passion and drive I used to have has dried up. Father, it is my prayer today that you help me find what I am missing. I am willing to do the footwork, please guide me. I don't like having this feeling that something is missing.

So, here begins my search with my Father to find what I am missing. My passion. My zest. My LIFE.

Friday, June 6, 2008

This here, celibacy thing...

I have three approaching deadlines (one is today), so I really should be working on that. The pressure of looming deadlines motivate me. Ha! The procrastinator's mantra! Whatevs. I'll get to it.

Lately, I have been practicing abstinence. Sometimes I catch myself calling it celibacy. I think of Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" and I can relate!

This here celibacy thing
Lawd, just got something over me
Like an addict, I could really use a thing
You know what I’m talking about

It’s been hard to sleep at night
I’m ying ying ying ying it
Scratching it right
I get some new batteries almost every night
Lawd, this here celibacy thing

The stresses of this world
You know how they come down on a girl
I’m trying to clear my mind
But all I seem to find
Is this gangsta, gangsta, type of need

People say mind over matter
But,I don’t mind what they say
And it don’t matter
This here celibacy thing
Is working on me…

It has been 3 months and everytime I ignore advances and put mind over matter, I feel accomplished. Although, I cheated last night AND the night before that. No, there was no intercourse, but there was HEAVY petting.

The first night that I cheated, I felt HORRIBLE. It was almost if if I raped myself. Immediately realizing how far things were going, I stopped him. I felt sick, queasy, light headed, hot and just not right. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, punishing myself for being almost willing to give up my goal for someone who KNEW about my goal and could obviously care less. This is what started the abstinence in the first place; me wanting to be more than just a screw. Is it that hard to connect on a level that's more than bumping uglies?

Monday, June 2, 2008


So I packed my stuff up in Sept 06, hopped in a Budget Truck and made my way to the proverbial city of dreams. Needless to say, it has been more and less than my dreams within a 2 year span. Like anyone, I have had my ups and downs.

I have been able to maintain mentally, although there is and definitely has been some mental strain. I have been dealing with my self diagnosed depression and/or bipolar-ness. There are times when I am completely happy-go-lucky, smiling, skipping, laughing and just as fast, there are times when I want nothing more than to crouch into the smallest ball I can pull myself into and disappear. There have been mornings where it would take ALL I have to get out of bed and there have definitely been mornings that I don't get out of bed at all. This is certainly a problem and thought that it was nothing that I can't beat with the help of my Lord. That brings another issue to the forefront...my beliefs.

Lately, while in this rut, I have found solace in attending church. However, I feel selfish. I feel as though the only reason I am going to church is to clear my head, to be able to feel my heart do more than pump blood, to get into heaven. Now, I know you're thinking, isn't that the point of having a belief in God. It is, to a certain extent, yes. But when you are believing solely on the purpose of benefiting yourself, that's when you stray from the core of "Christianity." *Note* I don't like using "Christianity;" I feel that "believer" is closer to the meaning of what I am saying and how I feel. I want to get to a point in my faith where I believe because I want to, not because it's a justifiable means to an end.

Physically, ehh. I am very unhappy with myself. My dream, physically...well I was supposed to come up here and get in better shape. And I did! Surprisingly. The subway stairs and all the walking kicked my behind when I first got here. Then, all of a sudden, I was able to take stairs like a champ and master 30 block walks daily. I ended up losing some 40 odd pounds based on commuting alone. I think what's psyched me out about dieting is that everytime I have lost a significant amount of weight, I didn't make any changes in my diet, it was just increased physical activity.

So now that the weight has stopped falling off and in fact coming back, I find myself disgusted with my growing gut and sad that the stairs and city blocks no longer serve as a trainer for me. Now, I have to do actual work (ICK) if I want to lose weight. I've turned into a lazy bum with terrible eating habits and I hate that I let myself get to this point.

Yesterday, I saw a photo of the 1,000 pound man. One THOUSAND pounds?! That should be enough motivation to never let myself get there, right? Wrong! I shrugged it off and said, "oh, I'll stop before I ever get that bad." I am sure that's what he said too. Truth is, one day you could wake up and notice, hey, I don't fit those pants anymore. Then it may be, hey, this shirt is a little tight and before you know it, you're one thousand pounds. It's a scary thing and I refuse to let myself go. This is the year that I will take my life back! I'm gonna lose this extra padding. No, not to be deemed attractive by some man, but for me. For health. For a life with a little less heavy breathing.

My career? Hmm, that is another conflict/struggle/fiasco in itself. The "Negative Nelly" in me thinks that I am wasting my time at my dead end job. But the realist in me says that I am going in a positive direction. Yes, I am a receptionist for a Health Advertising Firm, but I am getting paid decent money (Negative Nelly wants more) to basically sit here all day and do what I want. (Negative Nelly thinks it's mindless work) However, I am able to freelance with the time I spend at my desk and freelance I do!

The dreamer in me wants to go back to school to get my masters in Journalism. The funny thing is, the realist in me agrees. So I guess I will be hitting the books come Spring semester. This gives me time to get it together and back on track! Yes, I hate my job, but it is a means to an end right now and suited perfectly for my lifestyle and future plans.

In re-evaluating my life, I learn that it's not so bad. There is always someone out there that has it worse than you. My problem is, and I haven't admitted this to anyone--I like to feel sorry for myself and I also like others to feel that way too. I don't know why. I have had a hard life, but it has only made me stronger today. Why do I feel validated when people recognize that? I am a survivor and I want to turn myself into a fighter. A fighter in the sense of fighting for what I believe, what I feel, what I love and what I deserve.

I have proved that I can make it here. So, can I make it anywhere?