Thursday, July 30, 2009

Day One-It All Starts With God

"Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life" The Message- Romans 8:6

I thought about how I have been living my life currently, in a bubble where only things directly related to me mattered. I closed out so much of the things in my life because I didn't feel lie dealing with them. In order to take charge of my life, I need to not focus so much on self. Being selfish does nothing for self help.

The crazy thing is, the first chapter explains how this isn't even a self help book. It is not about finding the right career, achieving your dreams or planning your life…the book preaches. I can completely understand that. What I am looking for is to take charge of my life and live the purpose that I was put here for. You can choose so many parts and aspects to your life, but you cannot choose your purpose. God's designed purpose in all our lives and it's up to us to develop and nurture a relationship with Him in order to gain that purpose.

Day one, I am told to think about my purpose and know that it's not about me; it's much bigger than myself. There is something that I find comforting about the book--it gives me a question to consider after every chapter. Today's question was: In spite of [everything] around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

It's one thing to say that I believe in God. But it's quite another to say that I actually worship. Growing up, I was always taught Christianity and it's what I base my beliefs on. However, once I was on my own, I would go to church here and there, I might even spout of a popular verse or two--but I was never a true worshipper through and through. I never really created that relationship with God that I needed to. I guess this is really my chance to. I have to remind myself that I am living for God. For real this time.

How can I do this everyday? Praying. I can thank the Lord for waking me up, I can say small prayers and thank you's throughout the day to show my gratitude for life. It's funny because one year ago, I got a tattoo on my right wrist that says Faith. It was a physical reminder that everyday, I need to not only have faith in God, but remember my faith--my God. Even though I see that tattoo everyday, sometimes I forget. I need not forget, anymore.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Life With Purpose

In 40 days, my life will be transformed. Today, I am making a committment to having a Purpose Driven Life. I was given The Purpose Driven life almost three years ago by a friend of mine that I was in a show with. I didn't commit to it back then and over these years, I let it collect dust on my bookshelf. I was looking at it the other day, thinking, I wonder if I gave this book a chance, would I be able to transform the direction of my life?

From the outside looking in, people would think that my life isn't that out of order. I'm living in the city I dreamed of as a kid, I am writing for a living and I'm young. However, I know my own ambition and what goes on with me when no one is watching and I know that my life isn't in the best place it could be right now. I have absolutely no reason to complain about life, because I can fix it myself. This is my first attempt at REAL self help.

Raise your glasses. Here's to Danielle Lacole Young, taking 40 life changing days to discover the purpose of her life! Cheers!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Love, Sex & Magic

I am no stranger to sex. That doesn't make me a whore. Not in the least. I can just admit that when I am having sex (typically I am in abstinent mode), I am insatiable. My sex drive can go from zero to 100 in less than 2.5 seconds. However, I am more used to being used than being loved. I am used to men walking down my streets paved in gold, plucking my not-so forbidden fruit, taking a few bites and discarding me for the flies to have a feast.

For a long time since I opened myself up to the wide world of sex, my daddy issues had me searching around in dark rooms for someone to love me, comfort me, tell me that I am beautiful and worth more than I allow myself to be. It took me a while to realize that I was doing more damage to my heart than my own father or any of the people I allowed between my legs. So, I closed up shop...literally.

The shop has recently opened back up because of love. Love and sex typically go hand in hand with me. However, this is coming from a woman who's hardly been in love before. But no worries, my typically skewed views have been straightened out and I know there is a huge difference between the two. Without love, sex is just a sweaty, sticky romp in the sheets. With love, sex is the icing on the cake, the whip cream on the Caramel JavaChip Frapp, the extra handful of cheese on the Chipotle Burrito Bowl if you will.

My old views of sex have been coming into play now that I actually have the love before sex. My insatiability (is that a word?) is screwing with my head. I am treating myself like a booty call, when I am indeed my lover's sweet thing. How do I get myself out of my own bad habit? This relationship I am in is two years in the making and definitely more than just that sticky, sweaty romp in the sheets. It's true. It's harmonic. It's love and it's time for me to treat it as such.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Breaking Down Walls

I have always been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. Emotions never scared me. I always let myself feel--even pain, disgust, anger, fear--all of it. I never cared if people thought I was emotional. I have emotions--that's what they're there for--to express. However, over the years, I am none too sure what happened. I think I got sick of being so vulnerable or getting hurt just like everyone else, so I built a wall. A wall that kept me from being hurt, disappointed, ashamed--it kept all the bad things out. And in turn, kept all the good things out too.
In existing behind that wall, I wasn't living. I closed myself off from feeling and I became detached. I no longer allowed myself to make meaningful connections with people, became anti-social and downright cold. Over the past couple of years, I've been destroying said wall. Knocking it down daily by allowing myself to feel again. It was and is a hard process because I have opened myself up again for it all--not just the good stuff--but all the things before that I was unafraid of: pain, disgust, anger, fear...
It's been enlightening to break through this wall I've had but at the same time, completely scary. My heart so big and loving, that when someone or something tries to break it, (I say try because I don't want to give anyone or anything that much power) it takes me longer than most to recover. I am feeling that here lately, that wall has come tumbling down and all the kings horses and all the kings men want to put it back together again, but I refuse to let myself become cold again.
I have the love of my friends and family, now I actually have the love of a signifcant other and I'm feeling good about it. The wall is rubble at my feet and I'm open. Isn't it crazy how the love you get in a relationship can completely change and rearrange you? I love this person so completely, but sometimes I fear that rubble is trying to block out certain things, or protect my own heart. What am I trying to protect myself from? I guess at the end of the day, I it possible to love someone fully and still have your guard up or subconciously protect yourself from heartache?...To be cont.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Hometown Glory

So, after all the vacationing, I ended up in Rocky Mount, North Carolina--my hometown. I have been so homesick for the past couple of months to a year and I needed that time at home to recharge my batteries--if you will. Being back home in the quiet, green, country atmosphere really made me feel relaxed, comfortable and just safe.

As the baby of my family of six, I was the last to leave the nest. I couldn't wait to get out of there because my mother and myself didn't have the best relationship and on top of that, we were always so poor, sometimes there wouldn't be anything to eat in the house. I was ready to go off to college and leave all of that behind, but there was no monetary support nor support in general for me to go off to school. So, in being 45 minutes away from home and responsible for me and only me--I felt a type of freedom that was brand new to me. I shied away from going home. I would only make the short trip when necessary.

Surprisingly enough, by the time my sophomore year rolled around, my mother and I got a lot closer.I guess emotionally, we both hit an equilibrium and we were able to exist in complete peace. Home became comfort, for the first time in my life. When I moved up to NYC, home became an out of sight, out of mind situation. Whenever I would call home and hear all the problems going on, I just wanted to hang up and forget that all the stress existed.

Which is why since I have been living here for almost three years, I've only been home twice. I just never wanted to revisit my mother's sickness, financial issues, and everything else that home represented. But I decided recently that it was time to suck that shiz up and go home. Boy, am I glad I made that decision! Home was phenomenal. My mother looked and felt amazing!

Her Fibromyalgia, Diabetes and whatever else these doctors try to diagnose her with, always seem to get the best of her. Not anymore! My mom was glowing! She even got down and dirty with her flowers!

I even got my brother to sort of pose in a photo and he never does!

Then of course, I had to get my two little pieces of sunshine--my neices. It is so crazy to me how much they have grown. They are little ladies with personalities all their own. It amazes me to see how things change. I remember a time when Azariah--my older neice--was first diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and I couldn't have been more scared for her. I watched her limp to and fro and instead of going out to play--sit sadly on the couch. Now that her arthritis is manageable, she's active and even talks about playing basketball professionally. :) It makes my heart smile.