I have always been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. Emotions never scared me. I always let myself feel--even pain, disgust, anger, fear--all of it. I never cared if people thought I was emotional. I have emotions--that's what they're there for--to express. However, over the years, I am none too sure what happened. I think I got sick of being so vulnerable or getting hurt just like everyone else, so I built a wall. A wall that kept me from being hurt, disappointed, ashamed--it kept all the bad things out. And in turn, kept all the good things out too.
In existing behind that wall, I wasn't living. I closed myself off from feeling and I became detached. I no longer allowed myself to make meaningful connections with people, became anti-social and downright cold. Over the past couple of years, I've been destroying said wall. Knocking it down daily by allowing myself to feel again. It was and is a hard process because I have opened myself up again for it all--not just the good stuff--but all the things before that I was unafraid of: pain, disgust, anger, fear...
It's been enlightening to break through this wall I've had but at the same time, completely scary. My heart so big and loving, that when someone or something tries to break it, (I say try because I don't want to give anyone or anything that much power) it takes me longer than most to recover. I am feeling that here lately, that wall has come tumbling down and all the kings horses and all the kings men want to put it back together again, but I refuse to let myself become cold again.
I have the love of my friends and family, now I actually have the love of a signifcant other and I'm feeling good about it. The wall is rubble at my feet and I'm open. Isn't it crazy how the love you get in a relationship can completely change and rearrange you? I love this person so completely, but sometimes I fear that rubble is trying to block out certain things, or protect my own heart. What am I trying to protect myself from? I guess at the end of the day, I wonder...is it possible to love someone fully and still have your guard up or subconciously protect yourself from heartache?...To be cont.