Playing the Victim

I've always been the type to blame people for things--my own reactions to circumstances. I think people, definitely myself, forget that WE control our own emotions because we control our thoughts. My finger pointing is a testament to a horrible habit of playing the victim. This all didn't occur to me until after a few interactions with my mom & this one dude that has tried to date me since 06.

 My mom: She was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, maybe 10 or 12 years ago she took that diagnosis as a death threat. She stopped working, having hobbies & basically stopped contributing joy to her own life. My brothers, sisters & I all watched, sad for her, but understanding that she had a battle to endure. Too bad my momma didn't want to fight. What I didn't know back then, that I have certainly learned now was that my momma didn't teach her kids a valuable lesson in resiliency & perserverance--two things I suffer with trying to hold on to. My mom never really had goals & dreams, so it was up to me to dream of getting out of the small town life that I grew up in.

She taught us how to give up & ask for sympathy. Growing up poor because my mom couldn't & refused to work, around friends with hard working moms & both parents always garnered sympathy from my friends & after a while, it was what I was used to. I started seeking it out. I'd complain to my friends, hoping for that "wow, I don't know how you deal with that" look on their faces. Most of the time, my friends fed into it. "Aww poor Dani." It's not a strange thing for your friends to feel sorry for you or bad about your circumstances, but constantly make sure they are patting your back with an obligatory frown, pasted on their lips just for you--means you enjoy the role of victim.

And that was me. Seeking sympathy so I could get some sympathy, sit comfortably in the victim's seat & point fingers at all those who did me wrong. This is especially apparent in my dating. To the one man that observant & man rnough to point itt out to me--thank you.

The guy: He & I had a first date that went pretty well. He tried hard to get some once he dropped me off back home, but I wasn't giving him that much of myself on the first date. I guess he was pissed about that & wanted to make sure he played me out.

He asked me out the very next night to a fancy dinner at some swanky NYC restuarant. I was SO excited. I was fresh from NC & was dying for a romantic NYC date. I got all dolled up & waited & waited & waited. He didn't show up. He didn't call. And of course he didn't pick up his phone. He stood me up. Three years later, I'm over being stood up, but I realize I held on to that feeling & he's tried to make that up to me, realizing he was wrong, but I resented him. One day, when I guess he was tired of trying to make it up to me, he said, "You're so determined to label every man 'no good.' Not everyone is out to get you!"

Cut me open & squeeze a lemon in the wound--it STUNG. But I swallowed it. He was right. Yeah, there were a ton of times where men did bad things to me, but I was beginning to play the victim, whine & complain to my friends about it & point the finger at all of them--labeling them no good.

So that brings me to this. I've never really participated in lent, but the idea of it, inspires me. Giving something up for 40 days that you are comfortable with--something you enjoy. At least that's how other people explain it. It's definitely a challenge. I've decided to give up complaining. Complaints are meant for a sympathetic reaction. So, not only will not complaining help me break out of my victim role, but it will teach me how to be more grateful. I'm moving onward & upward in 2010!

It's Christmas Time in the Country

I went home for Christmas, neice, nephew & sister in tow. We had an incredible time with our little country family. Christmas has definitely lost its luster as the years have gone by. I remember the excitement in going to bed on Christmas eve, not being able to sleep knowing your new favorite toys were under the tree, but trying your best to sleep because you never wanted Santa to catch you peeking. All of those butterflies faded just as quickly as my belief in Santa, the older I got.

I've always tried to hold on to the mysticism of Christmas, but truth be told, it's for children. People forget the "real meaning," and to be quite honest, so have I. Although, I did drown deep in the feelings of being surrounded by family. If you know anything about my family, that's a job within itself. Everyone was on their best behavior though, so we all enjoyed ourselves. What a relief! Here are some of the photos I snapped!

Christmas Eve--my sister Dawndria's frying up some sweet potato jacks. They were soooo good!


Here's mom making another batch of the sweet potato jacks. Yes, she makes her own dough & yes she makes a huge mess everytime!

Meanwhile, all the kids were in the living room, raising hell!

Oh & my mom surprised me with one of my favorite foods--RIBS! Usually we starve our way through Christmas Eve, cooking. This time, she provided a little snack. :-) YUM!

My sis tearing her ribs UP!

Along with cake comes frosting. Makayla & Denayah are fighting over the frosting container. haha! I was never a frosting girl, I liked licking the cake batter from the spoon & bowl when I was little.

They were so happy to be done with the cooking!

As soon as I finished icing the Milky Way cake, I had to finish stuffing stockings & wrapping presents. What a long night!

Pausing from wrapping to take a pic with Dawndria. We're smiling so dang bright LOL!

I loved this pic of Baby Steph. How cute is this boy?!

Finally finished wrapping!

Christmas morning breakfast. Yes, that's a Pepsi on the table. Momma raised us on that. SMH

Momma's opening her Temptation Christmas album. She lost it some years ago & was so delighted to have it back.

Oh & the money had her tickled PINK!

The kids FINALLY opened their gifts.

My neice Azariah got mostly boys toys--that's just her.

Kayla didn't look too happy about her doll. She'd better be, it was from me!

Baby Steph opened his big wheel & promptly climbed on the box. LOL

We finally got to meet Damien Jr., my brother's (who passed away) only son. This was an incredible moment for our family.

Most of momma's grandkids.

Dawndria & Damien look the same age. She's 27 & he's 11. LOL She's so tiny!

I'm hugging him so tight! LOL Sorry Damien! I was so happy to see him.

More presents being opened.

Kayla STILL not looking too happy.

RJ's 13, so he's too cool to be happy.

How cute is Jalen in these specs!?

Of course we had to take some time out for dancing. Az & Kayla doing the "Jerk?"

Denayah didn't want to be outshined.

More jerking.

My little mini me posing for the camera, as usual.

Denayah fell in LOVE with Kayla. She wouldn't let her our of her sight.

Ambia (my brother Ben's first child) opening her gifts. FINALLY a happy kid!

Of course we had to go visit Grandma. It was a little too hard to get a good pic with Baby Steph being angry because we wouldnt let him play with all the decorations Grandma had up.

My girl Valerie. We've been friends since the 6th grade! Look at her lil man Tim--so adorable!

Of course JoJo didn't want to be left out. How can you resist a smile like that?!

So cute!

Hometown Glory

I went home for Thanksgiving this year & that's kind of a big deal, because usually, I don't go because my sister can't afford it. She has two children & traveling with kids is never cheap. With trying to make her ends meet on a daily basis, raising two kids solo in BK, going home for the holidays was never an option for her. It would always make me feel guilty for leaving her behind.

This year was supposed to be special. My mom's birthday is the day after Thanksgiving & she's been in & out of the hospital quite a few times this year. My brother wanted to make sure we celebrated her 58th year of life. It was lovely.

I was hiding out at my oldest sister's house with my two adorable nieces--Azariah & Makayla.


This is the night I surprised my mom. She was mad that I was in Rocky Mount for a few days without her knowing. LOL

Couldn't be home without seeing Grandma. PS, she's 93!

My niece is convinced that she's not as cute as she is. She's got quite the dark skin complex. I'm working on her self esteem.

My little mini-me Kayla presenting her Thanksgiving song to us.

My nephew Jalen being his super silly self.

My nieces wanted to see how far they could stretch my genie pants--those are pillows!

The girls were having a blast with grandma's wigs!

I'm so sure she's going to end up being an actress. She's so good with her face.

Momma on her bday. The dress was a gift from me--I knew her hazel eyes would look amazing in it.

I had to get her out of the house so my siblings couuld set up her surprise bday party--so we went to try on some wigs :-)

I think I might start doing the wig thing. It costs less than going to the salon & you can switch your look up whenever you want! I loved this one on her!

I was trying to convince her t go longer. Even with closed eyes, she's so cute!

Another blinking shot lol

She ended up LOVING this one & got it. I told her she looks young in it.

She loved her new look!

Same hairstyles, but hers was cheaper. Will I be rocking wigs soon?

Back to the house for her surprise bday lunch. She told me she felt so special. I cried LOL

Mom's new TV. Swanky.

The bday cake. :)

Happy tears.

My neice is obsessed with high heeled shoes & my sister finally got her her own pair (kitten heels)

Right after Thanksgiving, I had to put up the Christmas decorations. Momma wastes no time.

Her little tree. Cute, huh?

Last stop, Grandma's. How cute is she?!

I would have taken a lot more photos of the fam, but they aren't really all that fond of photos. What can you do? :-) I'll get more over Christmas though. And no guilty feelings this time around because my sister is coming too!!! This Christmas will be a very special Christmas!