I DO Write.

Despite my sucky blogs, I am a journalist.

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Reflecting on my reflection.

Have you ever stared into your reflection and just reflected on who you've been, who you are and who you will be? Self discovery is difficult and that's definitely an understatement.

Who I've been...the poorest spoiled girl you've ever met. I always knew that I had a huge heart back then and I opened it and let it feel...everything. Disappointments, anger, betrayal, crushes, pain, happiness. Any and everything. I allowed myself to believe in love. Fairy tales existed. I genuinely cared about everyone in my life. I cared about what people thought of me and tried my best to people please.

Then, life happened. My heart hardened and I closed myself off from emotions. I didn't allow myself time enough to be hurt, disappointed, afraid, ashamed, and everything else in between. I kept myself busy and just let my body be used by men that didn't care about anything beyond my sweet hips and warm welcome. There were no more fairy tales or happily ever after.

Where is that girl? That sweet innocence. Where did it go? I guess it's lost amongst life's misfortunes, setbacks, ironies and trickeries. Someone tell me where I can go to get myself back! Can I climb through that very mirror and grab a hold of myself and SHAKE myself awake?

New Poem in the works

When social etiquette won't let us get upset with the way things are
you're taught to camouflage regret and
religious structure tells us God wants us to suffer to support a situation
we all know is obligation

...to be continued

Another dating rant

Where do you draw the proverbial line?

Gregory is a nice guy. A VERY nice guy. Nicer than most I've met. But he's a sad guy that's down on his luck. Searching for love in all the wrong places and faces and somehow, he found me. All that keeps ringing in my head when I am around him or when I think about him is what my psychic cabbie said..."there's perfection in imperfection." I know that I spend so much time dismissing dudes romantically when there is something that's not in place. With this guy, I've been in a constant tug of war.

At first, I entertained the thought of having someone in my life that I know would pamper me and treat me with so much respect. There was just one little problem/blemish/imperfection, he's completely BROKE with a shaky living situation. Hmm. Now, that's an imperfection if I ever heard one. What to do, what to do?

When should I take out my pencil and draw the line? When do you say, that's it, I can't be with someone like that. I want to blame him. He wants to be in a relationship so badly, he doesn't care that his life is incredibly out of order. When I am with him, I want to be with him. Part of me feels like that is because of pity and not truly wanting to be with him.

I hate when people say, when it's right, you'll know. Maybe it's because it's never been "right" with me, so I've never known. I always feel so uncertain when it comes to dating and if I truly want to be with a person. My heart used to feel a vacancy, because I felt love never lived there, but now, I know that I am capable of full and complete love, but am I?