Man Whores & A Woman Scorned

I was on Facebook the other day, randomly (if you know me, you know I don't fancy FB) & I was kinda shocked to see my chat window blinking. When I clicked, I was a little confused to see that it was a happy couple (girl kissing boy on cheek) trying to get my attention with a simple, "Hey." I recognized the fella in the photo--Justin. He & I went to college together. I don't know who he is now, but back then, Justin was a typical college cutie. You know the type--girls standing in line just to be noticed by him, always the one on the yard with all eyes on him--he was definitely desired & he knew it. He was definitely cocky. An underclassmen with seniors after him.

Admittedly, I was  one of those girls that desired him. It's been a few years since we met & I can't really recall how we met, although, I think it was through FB (when it first came out). Either way, Justin had somehow caught wind that I gave head like my life & my grade depended on it. Hey, don't judge--I'm sure we all had our slutty college days. Well, being that Justin was such a cutie & I was so desperate to have a hottie in my bed, we hooked up. And that, was basically that. From what I remember it was a one time thing.

I would see Justin around campus, all hugged up with a top model wannabe chick & he wouldn't even glance my way. Back then, that lack of attention would send my thoughts reeling into--"Am I not good enough for him? I'm too big for him, so he's embarassed. Maybe I should have had sex with him--that would have kept him." --Yeah, typical lost girl with daddy issues & trying to find love, tangled in sheets in dark dorm rooms.

When Justin told me through Facebook the other day that he didn't really remember who I was & I had to remind him that we hooked up. After his memory was sufficiently jogged, he was all chitter chatter. But not about, how I was these days or what I was up to--Justin wanted to know if I wanted to watch him jack off on camera because thinking about the head I'd given him some 6 years ago made him hard.I can't front like I wasn't a little flattered. I my mind, I shamefully pat myself on the back, but I was also a little hurt.

I used to treat myself like the sideline chick back in the day because any attention was good attention to me. But, now that I am in my roaring 20's, I'm grown & definitely not the sideline chick anymore. So the fact that he would think that I was actually willing to watch him pleasure himself on webcam, while he chats with me through FB with his girl's picture in clear view--made me want to set him up.

I figured I could get a few screen shots of him doing that, with our chat box open & confront his girlfriend with the evidence. Should I take it upon myself to get his busted? Or should I just mind my own business & write Justin off as yet another untrustable man? See, it's things like this that make me bitter about men. I try my best not to be a man-hater, but these dudes seems to always find their way to me. I strongly believe in you get what you put out there, but I don't feel like I put anything out there to attract these fools. He still lives in NC & wanted to know when I would be home next. He also asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him no one in particular, but I am dating more women these days. Of course he took that information & handled like any BOY would--he asked for a threesome. (NOT even with his own GF!)

Personally, I feel worse for his girlfriend. I'm certain I'm not the only woman he reached out to, to get his rocks off. I asked about her & he told me that they were good. Wow, men are very srange creatures. I really hope I can stop meeting or reacquainting myself with these losers. I really don't need to be anymore jaded about men.

Lonely vs. Independent

The other night, I attended a Sade album listening party. Of course I was looking forward to it because--who doesn't love Sade? I went alone, which is usually no biggie to me because over the last couple of years, I've gotten used to being alone, going places alone & spending time alone. I've always enjoyed my own independence. So, I checked my coat, turned the corner, walked in & immediately was face-to-face with industry moves & shakers who I used to schmooze with when I first moved to NYC. You know, back when I was bright-eyed & bushy-tailed & armed with naitvete, ready for this concrete jungle to eat me alive.

I had fallen out of networking because I came across so many people that were insincere with contacting you. They'd tell you how awesome you are, promise dinner, drinks or whatever & you never hear from them again. It's like being in failed relationships over & over again--you become jaded. With this new year, I decided I would make an effort to change. I would grasp at some of that same bright-eyed-ness that I used to have & look at the world with my rose-colored glasses.

I went in with the intention of networking, only to just not feel like it once I was there. Maybe some liquid courage could help? So, off to the bar. Instantly, I started making jokes with this girl next to me, while I waited on the bartender. "Ok," I thought. "Maybe the social Danielle is back!" That little ray of sunshine didn't last long. Once I got my drinks, I walked around, smiling at folks & just clammed up. I went to sit alone at some booth & tried to make myself go chat. I was successful a few times for a few short chats, but nothing in-depth.

So, back to the bar I go. More drinks should loosen me up, right? Wrong! It only made me sad & I started thinking. Sometimes thinking can be my worst enemy. As I sat in my solitude in the middle of a NYC nightclub (a dream for most), playing Words with Friends on my iPhone. The more I played, the lonelier & sadder I got. That's when my girl Vintage Vandalizm aka Jasmin, texted me. She had been going thru somethings & I reached out to her earlier to make sure she was ok. She hit me up to thank me for caring. That's what opened up the flood gates. I let her know what was in my heart.

I was LONELY & it wasn't even on some needing a lover type stuff. I needed friends. Isn't it crazy that someone that has always been so social & appears to always be in a mood for parlaying ends up being a lonely loner? I've realized that I was & always have been independent--able to stand on my own without faltering, always apprearing strong & confident. But, truth is, I was always lonely & hurting. Jasmin & I spoke for a while back & forth & she let me know that she was working on a blog that I definitely needed to read. That's where her post "Meanings" comes into play & the reason for this blog. A response/reference.

READ JASMIN'S POST, HERE.

This girl is very similar to me, internally. That very night that I was explaining to her how I was feeling, she was in the process of writing this blog because of how she felt the previous weekend. We're both extremely independent & hold high standards for our friends because we're both great friends. Whenever someone did something to let me down, oh boy--disappointment doesn't even begin to cover it. That led me to distancing myself from people because I got so tired of being disappointed by them. I was convinced that people sucked & I was better off alone.

If the loneliness didn't fill my heart with so much heavy weight, I would have continued living this way. During the last few months of 09 & up til now, I allowed myself to make more connections with people & just put myself out there to develop friendships. Sure, I've been let down by some of these people, but I'm learning not to make it black & white, either you is or you ain't. I'm learning to give people room for error because honestly, when have I ever not messed up or let someone down?

However, old habits die hard. I am so used to being alone, that it comforts me, but at the same time, tortures me. There will be times where I'm asked to hang out, go to this cool spot, take this cool class & without thinking, I decline. Sometimes, I force myself to go & while I'm out, convince myself that being home alone would be much better. What am I doing to myself? It would be different if I enjoyed my alone time & that was that. But to be so conflicted about it makes me crazy.

Take tonight for example. I was supposed to be hitting up a bar & having a few drinks with some old coworkers--these people I have not seen since this summer. You think I'd be excited to catch up with all of them, but I used any old excuse I could to "get out of it." Although I did have to interview someone for YRB at 5pm, the interview was over 10 minutes til 6. I knew everyone was meeting at 6, but I still needed to get home & change--so I just scrapped those plans altogether. Basically acting as if I couldn't show up an hour into the get together. Now, instead of having a night of drinks with some cool people, chatting, laughing & going home with a smile on my face, I'm sitting here writing this blog about it & going to go home, straigh-faced, sit on my bed & watch TV alone until I pass out.

Unlike Jasmin, my loneliness isn't only because of people letting me down, it's because of me constantly letting myself down. I'm the kind of girl that is saddened by being loney, but when people call to hang out, I find reasons not to. I wonder what it is that I can do to make myself back into the social butterfly I used to be before moving here. Crazy as it seems, my move to NYC killed me socially & I moved here hoping for the exact opposite.

In order to fix this, at first, I am going to have to force myself in the beginning, to hang out with people that actually want to hang out with me. I've got to get myself out of the habit of being alone because I was the one that got myself IN that habit. I've got to get out of my antisocial cave. Or maybe the truth is, I can't do it alone? I always expect to do things alone because of being so independent & being used to handling things by myself. So maybe all I need is a helping hand? Jasmin's blog states that she held the key to her cage this entire time. If I'm holding the key, I have no clue how to use it.

Emotional Baggage Weighing You Down?

Baggage. People carry around so much with them on a daily basis. Some people know it & some schlep it with them everywhere they go without even realizing it. It's very hard to move on from a past love(s), like(s) or infatuation if your heart was 100% true with that person. Sure, breakups are hard & often times we're left bitter & disliking, sometimes hating the ex, but those feelings are still there. Essentially because love & hate are cut from the same cloth--one that isn't easily ripped ot torn.

Even when you are so sure deep within you that you're ready to move on, feelings linger. I had a conversation with a potential boo yesterday & I was asked the infamous question, "Tell me about your last relationship." Oh Lord! Here we go! My last relationship is difficult to explain in a short & sweet statement. It has history, complications, friendship, homosexuality & all kinds of red tape wrapped up in it. I didn't really want to talk about it to him because having to divulge all of that to somene that doesn't really know you, takes a lot of understanding. Nine times out of ten, people aren't understanding.

But, I told him the story from start to finish, leaving out parts that were too deep to disclose. I couldn't really explain the reason we broke up because, well, I didn't understand it myself. Especially when she started that conversation with something like, "I couldn't even ask for more in this relationship." He wanted to go back farther than her. Those "relationships" were even harder to talk about because they were never really relationships at all. They were flings, friends with benefits & beneifts without the friends. I get this all the time, but he was surprised because I am, "way too beautiful inside & out to not have any committed relationships in my past." He asks me why.

I have no answer for him. Shoot, I don't know. It's not like I was going around saying I didn't want to be in a relationship. The only thing I could say was that I may have given the ice cream away for free too much & no one wanted to buy the truck. I was never a slut, but when I really liked someone, they didn't have to work hard for it. :( I hate admitting that, but that cannot be the reason why committed relationships hid from me in the past.

He then asked what type of things do I like for my significant other to do for me. I thought I would have a list of things, but when I opened my mouth, it shocked me that I had nothing. Not one single idea. Hmm. Why?-because I have never had a significant other do anything romantic or thoughful for me. Ever. Well one dude bought me flowers once. lol But, I thought back to all the romantic things I've done for lovers--elaborate meals, gifts that took lots of thought, seeing something that I knew that he/she would like & getting it for them just so I could see them smile, lap dances, notes, poems--I'm a simple kind of romantic, but it has never been reciprocated. I never noticed until he asked me that. He started making suggestions of things he wants to do for me.

My automatic reaction was telling him that he didn't have to. He countered my argument, telling me that he knows he doesn't have to, but as a woman that he's into, I need to know I'm special to him. He tells me I would never be unappreciated. I didn't even know how to act. I had to almost force myself to believe him. Damn baggage. I remember when I used to assume the best in everyone. Constant disappointments lead me to another path. Guilty until proven innocent. I don't like this morphed way of thinking. I'd rather be a bright-eyed optimist. At least then, I could view the world & my love life with rose colored glasses, like I used to & each time I dusted myself off to try again, they slate would be clean, instead of cloudy because of the previous person.

It's a defensive action--trying your best to protect your own heart. Which is 100% understandable, but in order to completely move on, you must let go. If you hold on to your hurt, you're not only holding on to something that is over, but you're making it less possible to actually move on. It's a learning process for me, especially since I had no clue I was holding on. Now that I'm clued in, I look forward dropping all that baggage.

Love, Sex & Magic

I am no stranger to sex. That doesn't make me a whore. Not in the least. I can just admit that when I am having sex (typically I am in abstinent mode), I am insatiable. My sex drive can go from zero to 100 in less than 2.5 seconds. However, I am more used to being used than being loved. I am used to men walking down my streets paved in gold, plucking my not-so forbidden fruit, taking a few bites and discarding me for the flies to have a feast.

For a long time since I opened myself up to the wide world of sex, my daddy issues had me searching around in dark rooms for someone to love me, comfort me, tell me that I am beautiful and worth more than I allow myself to be. It took me a while to realize that I was doing more damage to my heart than my own father or any of the people I allowed between my legs. So, I closed up shop...literally.



The shop has recently opened back up because of love. Love and sex typically go hand in hand with me. However, this is coming from a woman who's hardly been in love before. But no worries, my typically skewed views have been straightened out and I know there is a huge difference between the two. Without love, sex is just a sweaty, sticky romp in the sheets. With love, sex is the icing on the cake, the whip cream on the Caramel JavaChip Frapp, the extra handful of cheese on the Chipotle Burrito Bowl if you will.



My old views of sex have been coming into play now that I actually have the love before sex. My insatiability (is that a word?) is screwing with my head. I am treating myself like a booty call, when I am indeed my lover's sweet thing. How do I get myself out of my own bad habit? This relationship I am in is two years in the making and definitely more than just that sticky, sweaty romp in the sheets. It's true. It's harmonic. It's love and it's time for me to treat it as such.