Mutuality as Reality?

Mutuality is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Being on the same page with that person, man, nothing beats that.

A friend of mine said this to me, when I asked her about mutuality:
Men, in my opinion, in the city do not believe in mutuality. They maintain a sense of self-righteousness, and entitlement which goes beyond privilege and if they don't have that, they act subservient.

I was telling the same friend of mine about how I thought this new thing I was pursuing was mutual and I had high hopes for he and I. The hopes were high enough (or maybe low enough--depends on how you look at it) that I decided to relinquish my abstinence for him.

I know now that it wasn't the best idea, but I justified it to myself by saying that he is treating me more like a girlfriend than anyone ever has. It was refreshing. He called me baby, his stinky, all his and I felt like, wow, someone cares about me in a romantic way. I could get used to this.

I didn't know that same desperate just wanna be loved fat kid still lived deep inside. That girl that begs for and craves attention. That girl that wants to jump head first into a deep romantic relationship with whatever guy is nice to her. She's still there, grasping at straws.

Well, he knew that sex was a "big deal" for me. I wanted so badly to hold on to my abstinence, that it was mostly what I focused on in dealing with him, considering he focused on it for other reasons. I know how I am in the bedroom and I thought, he, maybe I can use myself (interesting) to make sure he stays.

It didn't work. He had his own set of issues and insecurities, but as usual it was my issues and insecurities that caused our demise. I say demise because I haven't spoken to him since Saturday morning and it's now Thursday morning. That's not a good look for a blossoming romance, is it?

He got upset with me on last Friday, during sex (how ironic or something) and I didn't think that would be the end. I'm confused when it comes to men. I mean, I thought they were the simple ones and we were the complicated creatures that caused the drama?

When I met him and he told me he liked me, I thought that this would be the start of something beautifully mutual and it seems that he was just after the boots, because after he knocked them around a few times, he stopped being that guy that brought me a dozen roses, told me I was beautiful and treated me like the gentleman I've been dreaming of for years.

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Reflecting on my reflection.

Have you ever stared into your reflection and just reflected on who you've been, who you are and who you will be? Self discovery is difficult and that's definitely an understatement.

Who I've been...the poorest spoiled girl you've ever met. I always knew that I had a huge heart back then and I opened it and let it feel...everything. Disappointments, anger, betrayal, crushes, pain, happiness. Any and everything. I allowed myself to believe in love. Fairy tales existed. I genuinely cared about everyone in my life. I cared about what people thought of me and tried my best to people please.

Then, life happened. My heart hardened and I closed myself off from emotions. I didn't allow myself time enough to be hurt, disappointed, afraid, ashamed, and everything else in between. I kept myself busy and just let my body be used by men that didn't care about anything beyond my sweet hips and warm welcome. There were no more fairy tales or happily ever after.

Where is that girl? That sweet innocence. Where did it go? I guess it's lost amongst life's misfortunes, setbacks, ironies and trickeries. Someone tell me where I can go to get myself back! Can I climb through that very mirror and grab a hold of myself and SHAKE myself awake?

New Poem in the works

When social etiquette won't let us get upset with the way things are
you're taught to camouflage regret and
religious structure tells us God wants us to suffer to support a situation
we all know is obligation

...to be continued

Another dating rant

Where do you draw the proverbial line?

Gregory is a nice guy. A VERY nice guy. Nicer than most I've met. But he's a sad guy that's down on his luck. Searching for love in all the wrong places and faces and somehow, he found me. All that keeps ringing in my head when I am around him or when I think about him is what my psychic cabbie said..."there's perfection in imperfection." I know that I spend so much time dismissing dudes romantically when there is something that's not in place. With this guy, I've been in a constant tug of war.

At first, I entertained the thought of having someone in my life that I know would pamper me and treat me with so much respect. There was just one little problem/blemish/imperfection, he's completely BROKE with a shaky living situation. Hmm. Now, that's an imperfection if I ever heard one. What to do, what to do?

When should I take out my pencil and draw the line? When do you say, that's it, I can't be with someone like that. I want to blame him. He wants to be in a relationship so badly, he doesn't care that his life is incredibly out of order. When I am with him, I want to be with him. Part of me feels like that is because of pity and not truly wanting to be with him.

I hate when people say, when it's right, you'll know. Maybe it's because it's never been "right" with me, so I've never known. I always feel so uncertain when it comes to dating and if I truly want to be with a person. My heart used to feel a vacancy, because I felt love never lived there, but now, I know that I am capable of full and complete love, but am I?

HELP

I'm suffocating. Life is strangling me.

Sometimes I forget....

The simple things, like this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Simple. Mighty. Robust. Vigorous. From this moment forward, I will try as best as I can to wake up every morning with a spirit of thankfulness. God has given me so much and I still find time to complain about what I don't have. That's a huge slap in the face for someone that has been nothing but gracious and perfect to me.

I am tired of living two lives. Worshiping two masters. Slapping my God in the face with my very own inconsistencies. It's time for a real change. I'm scared. I love change, but am scared of it at the same time. I think what scares me is the work that goes behind a significant change. I'm willing, but am I ready? There is NO time like the present and all that good stuff, but I always feel as though I fall short.

Here I am making excuses, as usual. But, living a straight and narrow life style typically has no gray area, it's either black or white. That's the scary part. Either you do no wrong or you do wrong. You can't be right and wrong at the same time, can you? Is it still respected/acknowledged when someone tries and gets there little by little with a few mishaps along the way?

Heavenly Father, today I choose to rejoice in You. Thank You for this day and for every opportunity that You've given me to bless and praise You. I give You everything I am today and always. In Jesus Name'. Amen.