HELP

I'm suffocating. Life is strangling me.

Sometimes I forget....

The simple things, like this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Simple. Mighty. Robust. Vigorous. From this moment forward, I will try as best as I can to wake up every morning with a spirit of thankfulness. God has given me so much and I still find time to complain about what I don't have. That's a huge slap in the face for someone that has been nothing but gracious and perfect to me.

I am tired of living two lives. Worshiping two masters. Slapping my God in the face with my very own inconsistencies. It's time for a real change. I'm scared. I love change, but am scared of it at the same time. I think what scares me is the work that goes behind a significant change. I'm willing, but am I ready? There is NO time like the present and all that good stuff, but I always feel as though I fall short.

Here I am making excuses, as usual. But, living a straight and narrow life style typically has no gray area, it's either black or white. That's the scary part. Either you do no wrong or you do wrong. You can't be right and wrong at the same time, can you? Is it still respected/acknowledged when someone tries and gets there little by little with a few mishaps along the way?

Heavenly Father, today I choose to rejoice in You. Thank You for this day and for every opportunity that You've given me to bless and praise You. I give You everything I am today and always. In Jesus Name'. Amen.

I'm back!

I feel stronger. Than yesterday, than last week, than a month ago. It's so easy to feel this way when things are working out. I don't know if it's my mood swings, or if I am genuinely that much more thick skinned. I have been strong enough to be a shoulder to cry on for my friends. I used to always be that shoulder years ago. That's when problems were as simple as being broke, sad about family life and/or relationships--trivial, juvenile things like that.

But when you grow, your problems grow and become more significant and life changing. Take, V for instance. She married at a young age (while in college). My mother spoke it into existence, saying she wouldn't finish. And years later, she hasn't. She chose the life of a wife and mother. It seems as though when women make that choice, they are stuck with the life of a mother more so than the life of a wife. And men, shooooot, they get to do what they please because it's common knowledge and sometimes an unspoken understanding that women are the care providers. Yeah, they are exceptions to every rule...blah blah blah, but most times, that's how it ends up.

My sister is living through the same struggle of raising her children pretty much alone, even though she is with her baby's father. Why hasn't he committed to her and married her? They're already living together and doing what "grown folks" do, so what's the holdup? It's the desire of the single life still holding him back.

Problems. Problems that I shouldn't even be able to fathom because I haven't even been close to having them, but I understand them. I get their frustrations. I feel their hearts beat with passion for a life unlike their own, but the same heart that beats for the children they've created and watched grow.

Either way, I am stronger. I am strong enough to not only listen and truly care about what they are going through, but offer advice that is potent.

Take, J. J is someone that is just like me when it comes to love. It never seems to find him. He's built his self esteem on the lack of love in his life and it's painful to watch. I used to be that person. And I know the age old cliche, "you have to truly love yourself before you can love someone else," is incredibly elementary, but it's completely true. Most of the time I don't feel as though J loves himself which is what I have been trying to work on with him. I have been getting him to understand that he is in a great moment in his life right now, working in a career that he loves and making moves within that career. He's also working on his outer appearance (eating right/working out) and that in itself should make one feel better. But it doesn't always work that cut and dry. Being there for him and helping him to think positive was something I wasn't able to do, as little as 2 weeks ago. I've made a turn-around.

And it feels good to be able to get out of the bed on weekends and leave the house. It feels good to wake up in the morning NOT dreading the day. It feels good to be completely alone, but not lonely. It feels DAMN good to feel alive again. Depression will drain the LIFE outa you with no regards as to how you will endure it. I don't want to speak too soon, but I feel like I beat it.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire.

We all lie. A lot. It's inevitable. Eve started it. Maybe I should read that story over. Not sure if she lied, but once that forbidden fruit was bitten, we were locked into a life filled with sin.

I noticed that the lies are all around, however small, however large. For instance, how do you answer, "How are you?" 90% of people, if not more, say a simple, "Fine," and keep it moving. If you are ever to divulge anymore than "fine" or any other sarcastic way of saying "not so fine," people get uncomfortable. Why is that? We all know that everything isn't always "fine," yet we don't want to hear about it when someone chooses to share that.

There is a woman that works in my office that is CLEARLY suffering from an eating disorder. I'm talking bones protruding, hair thinning, can't help but stare kinda eating disorder. Anyone who has had contact with her at any given moment is a liar. I say this because we turn our cheeks the other way, ignore the problem and go on with our lives. Usually you don't see people with eating disorders as functioning parts of society, but she is. She has clients, colleagues, a husband and seemingly a life like anyone else.

Sure, she has a few weird habits:
She drinks the tallest coffees I've ever seen and constantly refills/reheats them.
She stuffs a small coffee cup with packets of splenda, what she does with it, who knows?
She takes pizza leftover from meetings and picks at it like a rat and leave everything but the crust and picked at cheese/bread.
She goes upstairs and eats someone from accounting's cottage cheese.

I am sure there are more, but most of these have been said to me in the midst of gossip. Gossip. People would rather talk/laugh/gossip about this woman that needs more help than we could ever know and keep living a lie to her face about her disorder. Maybe we lie to ourselves about it so we can feel more comfortable around her?

Then there are relationships. The beginning stages are great, aren't they? Both sides are trying so hard not to hurt/disappoint/disgrace the other, that they may be projecting an image of someone the are not. What's so bad about starting out a relationship with someone is the fact that you expect this person to be the best person they can be, when in TRUTH, no one is completely ever going to be the best person they can be. People fall short, it's what we do. Yes, there are some amazing people in this world; however, even they have things about themselves that they loathe. And as a result, people project who they WANT to be rather than who they ARE. Potency. Take a second, breathe it in.

Maybe I am talking about you all, or maybe just me.

Same Sex Dating

I was not at all nervous about my first girl on girl date. Actually, I was completely fine until we sat down at the table. It seemed like a lil friendly get together, until we officially sat down. Then, it became a date. I learned that blind dates are never fun. Even if you see the photo of that person, ask to see more than one and ask to see body shots. Now I know why people who date on the internet are so picky about photos.

She wasn't all that I expected, but not too bad. The date was the most boring I'd ever been on. There was generally no conversation and it seemed no interest in each other. What made me feel a certain way about the whole experience, was the fact that she was almost just like a dude in her actions. I thought the date was just going all around BAD, however, she still wanted to get together and cuddle all up and watch porn, yes porn.

Every date I have ever gone on has been unconventional and that doesn't bother me. It's just weird that after being on an excruciatingly bad date, one would think that we'd be ready to both part ways, mutually. I think she wanted to experiment so bad, she didn't factor in our lack of chemistry.

In all honesty, I didn't mind that much either, because I wanted to experiment too. And experiment I did. I realized that I actually do like girls in the same way that I like boys and I'm ok with that. I blindly though dating girls would be so much better/easier/less stressful, but I see right now that is an assumption and assumption only.

I know what GIRLS like...

...Girls like ME. (And, I like girls.)

I have been dealing with issues with my sexuality for a while. At first, it was moreso internal than anything else. Then, I would let it slip out on occasions; as far as me following a beautiful pair of legs, hips and butt around the room with my eyes and thinking a plethora of dirty thoughts. I never caught myself doing it until someone else caught me doing it.

One night at this bar, I saw a girl with the epitome of a coco-cola body and she was wearing some tight jeans and a form fitting shirt, all tucked in so that you could SEE that curve in her back as she glided across the floor. My eyes followed her from her point A, to her point B, and on to her point C and this guy tapped me and was like, "yeah, I see that." I looked confused at first, like what are you talking about? Then I realized that I had not let that woman out of my sight since she walked into it.

Then of course there was the "experience." I kissed a few girls in college and just thought I was doing the quintessential drunken college girl thing. I mean, we used to make out with EVERYBODY. But, when I would pucker my lips towards a female, there was more than just the excitement of OMG, I'm about to kiss a chick; there was a desire. A STRONG desire.

Ok, so I battled with myself on whether or not I would include this part, but I am a pretty open person--any of my friends will tell you, so I figure, why spare you? I will however, spare you the dirty flirty details.

I was involved in a 3some not too long ago and let's just say I was the central point of interest. I was pulled into (not by force) by a friend of mine that I had known a few years. I always knew this girl was a FREAK and never thought she would ask me to play a part in her freakdom, but she did and I submitted gladly.

I am none too sure what happened with the fella, but he couldn't perform. It was very embarrassing really. I mean, you have 2 beautiful girls all over each other and you could not rise to the occasion. So, moral of story: The chick wore me OUT and I felt good about that. It seemed to me to be more confirmation.

Which leads us to now. I, like most women, have had some of the worst luck with men. When you sit down and think about every single time that I have had involvement with men, it's gone bad. Sour, even. So, what's the common denominator? Me, of course. So, it's only natural that I think the problem lies in me. I need protection from myself!

I am not one to deny my faults or where I fall short and I know that I am imperfect. But there were MANY MANY times in my dealings with men where I was straight PLAYED and that has certainly taken a toll out on my heart/trust/openness and many other things that are important when you are trying to date.

Which all that damage comes out when you are trying to get to know someone new and often clouds your judgment. So, how do you enter a new situation with a completely clean slate? You can't. Most of us just spend our time trying (oftentimes unsuccessfully) to hide all the residue left from a previous lover. Is that what dating is, hiding?

I am out to see if the same paradox exists within same sex dating. Something tells me it does.










...if men were stocks, they'd have plummeted by now. I may sound like every other single, jaded woman in the world. But I swear every man I have ever met in my life that has been of some interest to me or that has shared some time with me in some sort of relationship has been a failed stock.

Reflect HIM

"Let this same attitude and purpose and humble mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus. Let Him be your example in humility" (Philippians 2:5 AMP).

The scripture starts with the word "let," which automatically takes on a spirit of invitation. When we are reborn as believers, we INVITE the Lord into our lives. Meaning we become children of the Most High.

I don't know about you guys, but that is a lot of pressure. I know that your parents often mold you into the best person that they can and that is no different when you accept God as a father.

Happy Belated Father's Day God. (since I didn't publish this until 2 days after). I hope that I have not disappointed you in being who I am. That's a rather potent statement that often leads to my own misunderstanding of being a believer.

According to the core of "Christianity," I should be better than what I am. Can I really say that I try to be the best person that I can be? I am not so sure that I put up a fight, but I can say that I put up some effort.

The last thing a child wants to be to their parent, is a disappointment. And here lies the pressure of being a believer. Should I not try at all, especially when I know I am not trying my best? Why is it so hard to give God the best of me?

Also, am I only trying so that I can avoid the horrible fate of Hell? I don't want to feel as though I am being selfish by following God because going to Heaven is more appealing than that opposite fate. I know that to feel like I am following God's path for me, I have to sincerely know in my heart and believe, but why is it so hard for me to feel that passion?

I feel like I am floating through life and going through the motions with no specific direction or purpose. I feel as though all the passion and drive I used to have has dried up. Father, it is my prayer today that you help me find what I am missing. I am willing to do the footwork, please guide me. I don't like having this feeling that something is missing.

So, here begins my search with my Father to find what I am missing. My passion. My zest. My LIFE.