Are you happy now?

My dear sweet lady friend Mintz McGee wanted me to do this, so I am doing this for her and the good of all mankind. Yes, all of them.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?

Good question. I was 14. I was in the 9th grade at Southern Nash Jr. High School in Spring Hope, NC. LOL So country, I know. Don't judge me! But at that grade, I was trying to impress my "friends"...two of which I am still happily involved with (shout outs to Valerie and Alicia who are now mothers and teachers, respectively). I was in marching band and proud of it. I was taking advanced Math, History and English courses and excelling. Lizzie (my former best friend) was still alive and crazy as ever. I tried black & milds and coughed liked crazy, but continued to puff on them because of peer pressure.

2. List 5 things on today's To Do List

• Follow up interview with Ursula Stephen (Rihanna's hairstylist)
• Come up with questions for Latoya Ruby Frazier interview, reschedule interview?
• Go to post office to get money order for mother/uncle
• Last juicy party of the year with my bff before his lucky arse goes off to a Mexican Christmas Cruise
• Love Myself.

3. Snacks I enjoy

Cheese, Pepperoni, Cashews, Turtle Chex and Cheese

4. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire

• Pay off all debts
  
• Help my sister out of her madness
• Get my momma out the hood and into her dream home
• Help my immediate family with some much needed extra cash
• Get stock in Cheese
• Create my own breast cancer foundation
  
• Ask Donald/Oprah/Russell Simmons what to do now?
• Oh and shopping, durrrr!

5. Places I have lived

• born in Winston Salem, NC
• lived in Rocky Mount, NC most of my life
• when we moved to Elm City, NC...I thought I would die! LOL But it turned out to be a move that shaped who I am today. Learned/grew a lot in that house
• Greenville, NC for college. Oh man, did this move shape me! LOL College years, what can I say?!
• Jersey City, NJ...my first move out of college, closer to my dream. But I hated Jersey ICK.
• Finally, Harlem! NEW YORK CITY. A place I dreamed of living in for a LONG time and I am here. I guess I need to be a bit more thankful lol

6. People I wish I knew more about

• Chad, my new bff and someone that I can count on no matter what. I love this boy more and more everyday, but sometimes I feel like I don't know much about him beyond what I already know. Am I one of those friends that always talks about themselves? Yes, but that shouldn't stop him from talking about himself as well.
• My sister, for the same reason as above. I feel we share a superficial relationship and very rarely do we get into the desires of her heart, mind and spirit. I want to be there for her more and for her to open up to me.
  
• Oprah
• Beyonce. I swear little miss perfection has a secret life and I want to know about it!
  

MINTS

Can't block what you loboe!

My sister, the mother.

My oldest sister has never been the best of mothers. To be completely honest, sometimes I think she may be one of the worst. One thing is for sure though, she does love my nieces, but how much...couldn't tell you.

I say this because, I am afraid her ways are rubbing off on my older sister. She has two children of her own, 2 and 3 and they are incredible kids. However, here lately, she has mentioned sending them home to my mother so she can get herself together. This may sound like a perfectly normal plan of action, but that's because you don't know the players in the game of my family.

My mother, has fibromyaglia syndrome, which basically is her muscles attacking her body, causing pain in any group of muscles it feels like attacking that day. So, having my mother be the caretaker of 2 toddlers...not happening. My mother is the epitome of what you think a loving mother is and should be, so to her, the idea sounded wonderful and I believe at some point, she said yes.

I had to call my mother and let her know that it was just NOT a good idea for her health. And my sister KNOWS this! But when you have something in your mind you want to do, you'll do anything in your power to do it. The thing about that statement is my sister has never lived it. She has never done anything in her power to accomplish anything. And now, all of a sudden, she wants to dump her kids off to her sick mother so that she can "get herself together."

I understand the whole getting yourself together part, because, her baby's father and her aren't working out. They are both making steps to move on. Although his steps involve him only caring for himself. Her steps involve her being left with the children (although that's nothing new) and having to fend for herself. My sister has always been codependent and has hardly ever done anything for herself.

So, what is it that she has to do that she would be willing to hand over her children to a sick mother? I can only think of her wanting to hold on to her recent party girl lifestyle. And there may be another dude. I heard her say "bye babe" to someone on the phone. With the problems she has with her babies' father, I am sure that it wasn't him.

My sister has never been this selfish and I am confused. I have always held sat her atop a pedestal and I don't know why. I look up to her, even though there is hardly a reason to do that. I know that sounds harsh, but she hasn't made much of a life for herself. The only thing I would want that she has, is motherhood (when I'm ready).

Writing for my life....

More of my work. Please, check me out, comment, support, love.

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Slim was a pretty interesting man. I honestly thought he would be a bit of a snooze. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE 112, but hearing about what one of them has to say, ehh. LOL But, all in all, great interview. He definitely motivated me to get my grind on.

AND ME
Havoc. Half of Mobb Deep. I miss them! So mad the wouldn't give me more info of Prodigy though!

There will be more coming on a regular basis now. I hopped over my hump of laziness and decided to be a functioning citizen. No applause necessary!

Will I ever get it right?

I cried last night. And these are the same tears that I have been crying since I was 13 years old and I had my first crush. Boys. What the hell is my issue? I was never one of those people that thought I had daddy issues, until a few years ago. How is this affecting me? No trust, jadedness, cynicism. I ooze these things when it comes to men.

When I was recently stood up on an internet blind date, I felt like I had reached some sort of low. I feel as though I always try and try again even when everything goes sour. I get up, dust myself off, bandage the wounds and move on. I think I should stop now. Seriously, stop, refocus, reevaluate and redefine what it is that makes me...me.

In a city where love is all around from couples holding hands, to that look I see him giving her, to his hand on the smole of her back. It's there. It's just not here. Why does love seem to hate me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?

It's a thin line between love and hate, so what is there to say about the space between like and hate? Even smaller. I have seen men go from liking me "so much" to calling me a bitch almost in the same breath when things don't go in their favor. And we're (women) the effed up ones in the situation? I think not. Half the time, it's the men driving us to be so dang neurotic.

Violence hurts everyone.

Violence is surely in the forefront of our generation. I mean, we've all learned about wars of the past, but we're living through one as I type this very blog, but because it isn't on our homeland, we don't feel the urgency of it. We don't see the blood dripping from scared faces, we don't see the little boy left for dead on a dirt road, but when we turn the news on, it's like hell on earth.

I swear, I don't even want to watch the news half the time, because it's all bad news! But in this day and age of instant gratification, the news is the first thing that pops up when I open a web page. Jennifer Hudson's family tragedy has been on almost every news outlet there is and for lack of anything better to say--it's sad.

It's sad to not only have your mother and brother gunned down, but to also find out that your presumably missing 7-year-old nephew was also slain in the same manner--that just hurts. In reading about this crime, I came across this little piece of interesting evidence.

"The 27-year-old Balfour — who spent nearly seven years in prison for attempted murder, vehicular hijacking and possessing a stolen vehicle — is not the boy’s father.”

Now, what woman in her right mind would allow a man with this record into her and her son's life? It makes me think about the way in which women value themselves. This man has an obviously violent past and it's not proven as of yet that he is the murderer, but when it quacks like a duck...

Mutuality as Reality?

Mutuality is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Being on the same page with that person, man, nothing beats that.

A friend of mine said this to me, when I asked her about mutuality:
Men, in my opinion, in the city do not believe in mutuality. They maintain a sense of self-righteousness, and entitlement which goes beyond privilege and if they don't have that, they act subservient.

I was telling the same friend of mine about how I thought this new thing I was pursuing was mutual and I had high hopes for he and I. The hopes were high enough (or maybe low enough--depends on how you look at it) that I decided to relinquish my abstinence for him.

I know now that it wasn't the best idea, but I justified it to myself by saying that he is treating me more like a girlfriend than anyone ever has. It was refreshing. He called me baby, his stinky, all his and I felt like, wow, someone cares about me in a romantic way. I could get used to this.

I didn't know that same desperate just wanna be loved fat kid still lived deep inside. That girl that begs for and craves attention. That girl that wants to jump head first into a deep romantic relationship with whatever guy is nice to her. She's still there, grasping at straws.

Well, he knew that sex was a "big deal" for me. I wanted so badly to hold on to my abstinence, that it was mostly what I focused on in dealing with him, considering he focused on it for other reasons. I know how I am in the bedroom and I thought, he, maybe I can use myself (interesting) to make sure he stays.

It didn't work. He had his own set of issues and insecurities, but as usual it was my issues and insecurities that caused our demise. I say demise because I haven't spoken to him since Saturday morning and it's now Thursday morning. That's not a good look for a blossoming romance, is it?

He got upset with me on last Friday, during sex (how ironic or something) and I didn't think that would be the end. I'm confused when it comes to men. I mean, I thought they were the simple ones and we were the complicated creatures that caused the drama?

When I met him and he told me he liked me, I thought that this would be the start of something beautifully mutual and it seems that he was just after the boots, because after he knocked them around a few times, he stopped being that guy that brought me a dozen roses, told me I was beautiful and treated me like the gentleman I've been dreaming of for years.