Friday, May 25, 2007
Now...lemme spend some time telling you about my Colombian boo. His name is Juan and he is 39 and will be 40 on Sunday. Yes, I do realize that he COULD be my father, but that doesn't bother me and if it bothers you, then that's YOU. You don't have to live my life or deal with my decisions, right? Right.
So I met this man when I was visiting my sister in BK daily when I first moved here. I came to the train station, went downstairs and walked over to the chairs to have a seat and play SuDoku. He watched me from my last step on the stairs til I sat down. I was like he better be looking real hard!!! LOL I was really into my game and he says, "You like that game?" I told him I did and we started talking. I made sure to smile a lot, considering it's worth a million and all.
He got on the train with me when it came and continued talking to me. Asked me if I had a man and all, just small talk. I really enjoyed out short coversation. He had to get off the train after only a few stops and asked me for my number. I gladly gave it to him and as the door closed, us on either sides of it, we waved...he stared until he could no longer see me. It was all very sweet.
He called maybe 2 days later and we would talk every night until the wee hours of the morning. I REALLY liked this guy. He set up our first date on a Sunday. I was doing laundry and then decided to clean myself up and go see him. I met him at the train stop we first met at and we headed to Park Slope, Brooklyn. It was soooo cute in Park Slope. The air was nice, breezy, but I was nervous, so I was all sweaty lmaooo! When we got to the restuarant, I had to go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
We ordered, had great conversation, and dinner. After, we walked around and at one point, grabbed my arm, pulled me into him and we kissed. It wasn't your typical first kiss, it was very passionate, deep, like we've known each other forever. I was enamored! It got even better when he suggested that we walk around and have a few puffs. Oh man, I was thinking this dood is perfect!
We conversed while we walked and puffed. The date ended in my bedroom. We didn't do the sex, surprisingly because when I like you that much, you'll KNOW. If you catch my drift. LOL. Well we cuddled, kissed, and slept. It was nice...
But that is all we have been doing for the last 7 months...plus the sex. lmaooo But his sex is like NONE I have ever had. It is TRULY mind blowing and just all around phenomenal. I have never thought it would be like this, lol. He has taught me a lot sexually. I know thats not saying much, but I really enjoy learning ANYTHING from someone I am involved with. Well, anything beneficial.
We just have had our ups and downs...well the downs have mostly been in my mind. It's like I THINK we're together, because we are, just minus the title...and it causes me to have expectations...which in turn causes me to be frustrated when my expectactions aren't met. That's how it was happening for so long.
Finally I stopped having those expectations. I have been removing my feelings from this man because I know he doesnt want a relationship, even though thats what we have...It's just something about that title, I guess. I have detached my feelings and things are better. The sex is better than ever. However, I do believe that he may be starting to catch more feelings for me, as I'm a bit detached. I knew it would happen this way. It's kinda entertaining how that works.
I saw him last night and he was expressing his jealousy about me and anyone else when I mention it. He cannot stand hearing about other guys and I am pretty sure IF he didnt care about me, he wouldnt care about me talking about someone else. But since he does, he does care. And the fact that I can leave him in my bed with my roomie while I shower...makes me oh so happy. I just love it when my sig. other gets along with the people in my life. :) Oh well, its 1 pm and time for my vacay to begin <3>
Thursday, May 24, 2007
It is never by the type of man that I want to hit on me, but nonetheless, I gets hit on. :) It does something to my self-esteem. Sets my chin a lil higher and allows me to feel like I am doing something right when it comes to my appearance. I have this love/hate relationship with the way I look.
The love stems from the pride I take in making things look as perfect as possible and when they don't...it totally fucks up my mood. Not a good thing. The other morning, I was getting dressed, completely hated what I was wearing and just could not for the life of me get my hair right. My first thing that I considered was to just not go to work. LOL Terrible, I know. I have a problem. I def don't think its conceit. I am pretty certain you have to have a certain level of undeniable confidence for that.
It teeters between lack of confidence and just feeling the need to be perfect in order to be desired. I don't really know, but I know that I care far too much about my image.
The hate comes from the lack of pride I guess you can say in the way I look when I look in the mirror. I have to have everything in place for me to be happy and for my look to be complete. I hate that it takes me so long to put everything together.
Either way...people may think that I am conceited, when the truth is, it's insecurities that spawns my vanity.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I am excellent with reason and therefore will be able to think up all angles of my problem. And no one knows your issues like you do, you know? No matter how much I reason with why I am doing what I am doing, it still sounds stupid. LOL. I will let you know how self therapy goes, though.
With that said, I have been meeting some decent guys, prolly because I have no interest in them whatsoever. It's weird. I think that might be part of my self diagnosed depression. I get hit on everyday. I have never missed a day, lol and nowadays, I hardly acknowledge it. I can say deep down, I still appreciate it, how I just igg them now and keep it moving. Like today, this guy came in to fix the toilet at my job and while he was waiting on the elevator, he was making small talk with me. (sidenote...the elevators at my job take FOREVER) The small talk progressively got more flirty. I was giggling in my head about how he was blantantly flirting, but I kept it simple and kept it platonic. He then tried once more on the elevator...when he said..."by the way, your eyebrows are PERFECT" hahaha, i laughed, the doors closed, and he was on his way.
I enjoy the fun of flirting. I think I enjoy the chase a lot more than the catch. That's an interesting theory, hmmm...i will think on that and prolly blog....chea.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
It's like no matter what I do or what boy I choose, they always seem to have something wrong with them. I don't know...I am starting to think that it is me. I am the common denomentator between all of them. I don't want to take the blame for THEIR actions though. I WILL however take the blame for picking them and giving them chance after chance. I constantly hurt myself to get rid of the hurt of loneliness. This is a piece I wrote about that cycle of me hurting myself...
That someone is myself...
My heart insists it was made for more than pumping blood,
and my spirit strengthens under the word of the Lord...
but I am too weak to lay down and profess Faith,
too proud of my laying down with carnal attempts at perfection.
If practice makes perfect, then salvation is an offbrand.
My flesh demands cleansing from all the crust of lust cakes into its crevices.
Only I can bathe in 7 seas and still thirst for clarity...
On soul searches, I hunt and I've unearthed a silen conscience crammed with dirt.
I washed it clean until spotless...clutched hope and stranded hurt.
Only I can fuel my frustrations because I don't have the patience to deal with myself.
Too afraid to admit sins to God, mistaking his patience for neglect.
Was I trying at all when I begged for seduction?
I allowed my body to be aloof, corrupt...
Error manifested when conclusions were rushed.
I just wanted to feel this thing called love, but
All I felt were various THRUSTS.
That left their marks like graffiti...tagged on my walls.
My soul ghostwrites because I remain unspoken...
I stretch lies to cover the scars on my conscience
No I didn't confuse lust for love...I KNOW the difference.
I assumed tusseling in the sheets would confirm what isn't.
I continued to be a wet dream...
Letting them in to taste Heaven...
Walk along my streets paved in gold.
Pluck the fruit from my branches.
Always ok with giving 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances.
Eyes closed, legs open...
What did I expect to find behind shut eyes?
Groping around in the dark,
I wrap my hands around what I think is a heart, it thump thumps.
And I slide it inside, maybe he'll be able to find mine.
Oyt and in turns into a cycle....
Cycle of hurt catalyzed by loneliness...
Filling it with worthless men
Hurting myself to get rid of the hurt....
Like...being single/alone is the worst thing in the world, so I can't let that happen. I need to realize that it isn't the worst thing in the world and I should learn how to love and enjoy MYSELF. Until then I will be going around in the same cycle. You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am INSANE. I am. I don't know how I feel about that. o_O admit me in to the psych ward, dress me in a straight jacket, and give me my meds please.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I was supposed to meetup with this guy from online to get some green. I know, sounds FISHY. EIther way, this guy stood me up once, so I was a bit apprehensive. I IM-ed him to let him know when I was leaving the city. He said, fine...I'm here. Then I IM-ed him when I arrived at WTC on the path train to Newark. He was like ooOOkkkk. So then I got to Newark, called...no answer. I went inside McDonald's and called again, no answer. Then I IM-ed him. He told me to ask about a bus to Paterson. That's when I was like, I thought you lived in Newark! I told you 2 hours before I arrived that I was coming and I expected you to be waiting at the station. He signed off and I waited for him to sign back on...nothing. I called...nothing, straight to vmail. Why was I sitting at McDonald's for an HOURRR!?
Then I finally decide to head out back to my neck of the woods. When I get settled on the train and pass the stop before mine...this fool calls me. Says something about losing signal or whatever...I am so pissed, then the call dropped. I am glad I decided to go home. UGH...why?!?! But I was in SUCH a bad mood, not about being stood up, but moreso about not getting my green and thats when I KNEW I had a problem. Like a serious problem. I was at the point of tears, even shed a few because I couldn't get my MJ. Something is definitely wrong with that.
So Chad and I devised a plan to play the living daylights outa him. So he IM-ed me this morning talking about last night was crazy, and all outa whack. Like it wasn't his fault, then later admitted to me that he was busy trying to make a baby with a woman that has 5 already LMAO. (mind you, he told me last night that he lost signal) Is this some type of joke? I am utterly confused and digusted...lmao, but I was joking hard on him. Either way, the conversation had to turn, so I could play him.
I said something like, how can you tell me that when I thought you wanted to get with me? He said some other bs...long story short...I told him I would meet him tonite, then started seducing him so that he would think I wanted him in that way. He honestly thought so too! Like, after he told me he was having sex with someone else, he would THINK that I wanted to still meet up and what not....how loserish. Either way...I am glad that I get a chance to play him...even though I really want my green. Lets see how many times he calls me. LOL.
Chad was mad at me because I was about to meet up with him anyway, so I can get my green, but he still thinks I want him sexually...ugh, I dont know. I need to stick to the plan, huh? Men can be the worst! BTW, he even told me that he doesnt have sex on the first nite! lmao! But he is more than willing to cheat on his future baby momma! WTF?
Friday, May 11, 2007
Mmmk...so I have this vision of walking around with my head held high, putting on a show. Not so much LOOOOOK ATTT MEEEE, but more subtle...kinda like...here I am. I am pretty, confident, sexy, flirty, and you want me, I know you do. If I have that in my head as I am just going along with my day to day, men will flock. Not only because of that but because of the spring being sprung and all. And who's to say that's what I want...men flocking? lol I don't necessarily NEED it, but dating in the spring/summer is a beautiful thing. And dating in NYC in the spring/summer has to measure up to some level of fun. Although it hasn't been the best experience lately, it's definitely been an experience.
Ok, so this flouncing around is to be accompanied by a certain level of untouchable-ness. That aura will make the guys crazy. See, this is what I think. Most people want what they can't have. It's some type of unconcious, sometimes concious mental manifestation that people just can't figure out or care to. I have ALWAYS felt that way. I mean, I am a realist, and so that automatically assures that I KNOW when I want something I can't have, chances are I won't get it. The problem lies in people thinking they can get the thing that they want and can't have. As if them trying hard enough would change the outcome. Sometimes it might, other times...not so much.
But here's the thing. I will appear untouchable, peak interest, remain at a lower level of untouchable-ness so that they remain intrigued, then I've done it. Think about it, someone who would approach a virutally unapproachable girl is someone with qualities that I want in a man.He is obviously smart, confident, go-getter, unrelenting, aggressive...hmm, let't juse see how this all works out. :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
....because they are just like assholes! Talk about your wolf in sheep's clothing.
Well, a while ago
Well I met up with him around 125th. It was nice, we walked around in the park, talked, ended up at a pastry shop, stopped, had some pastry and coffee and did a lot of talking. He was thoroughly enjoying himself...complimenting me on my maturity because he thought I was 24 with a 28 year old's maturity and was shocked when I informed him that I was 22.
He said something about having dinner plans with some friends but when we left, he wanted to show me more of soha (south of harlem) and so he did, we ended up walking around a bunch of places. He suggested we go to this ethiopian spot called Zoma's. So we walked on our merry way to the restuarant. It was TOO cute up in there. Very chic, quiet, nice art on the walls and very interesting food. I have never had Ethiopian food before, but I did make the comment, aren't they starving...hehe, i know, sooo wrong of me, but my humor is avante garde.
We ate there, talked, and he was like, do you want to get drinks or i can show you some photographs of
The photos, omg, were amazing...his stories were amazing, we just talked, he got reallll touchy feely and started rubbing my shoulders, then my back, then he tried to take my bra off lmaooo i was over it. We had JUST finished talking about dating and how guys are in such a rush to get into girls pants and how i want to date around and try different guys that i havent been interested in. This NERD was trying to take off my bra, kept kissing my neck and things and i was like im ready to go!
He said, well you have boundaries, i can respect that. Iwas like, can you?...because taking off my bra sure didnt confirm that! Well, ugh, I was over it and just not happy because it was like he wasn't listening to a word I was saying...muchless anything he was saying. He agreed with me wholeheartedly about dating, saying people don't spend enough time getting to know each other before they jump in the sack...and I said yeah they rush to get between the sheets and miss out on everything between the inital meeting and getting to know each other....
Well, this just helps solidfy the fact that most men think with their peens and shouldn't be trusted...thanks.
Monday, May 7, 2007
I was in dire need of a Mary Jane re-up, so I called him Friday afternoon wondering if I could come over and make that happen. He was like, thats the only reason you want to come. I say, yes...is there any other reason. I like to press his buttons because he gets sooo whiny and chilkdlike, later I learned that pushing his buttons isn't that much fun.
Either way, he told me that he would have his daughter and I was like, well yeah, I can just come get what I need and bounce. But he was like, her mother is picking her up at a certain time, so why don't you come at that time and blah blah blah...so I was like, yeah just call. I was at a bar, got a call, and decided to head over. But he was like, don't get here til like 10:30. So I was like, fine...I am gonna stay over, just because I HATE my living situation and I never wanna be home. We had already decided that we were gonna do the FRIENDS thing, so...as a grown ass man, I ASSUMED that he could handle himself as such.
Well, I go home to pack my overnight bag and shortly after, I head to BK. Well the whole way I am thinking...what kind of situation am I putting myself in. I am willingly staying over someone's house who has a kid, that COULD be there when I get there, making me feel uncomfortable and just...what am I doing? I know this guy sees me as more than a friend for whatever reason...I mean we argue constantly, yeah we hooked up, but that doesn't solidify anything, or does it? Either way, I need to put my foot down and know that I am there for friends only...besides...my Colombian boo is supposed to be getting together with me this weekend. (I will tell you all about Colombian boo in my next post.)
Well I arrive shortly after 11 and I call him to let him know I am walking up there, but I am stopping at the Chinese spot. This fool lost his job about 2 weeks ago and I know he doesn't have much money, so I offered to get him something and he wanted pork fried rice, that's it. (I mention this because it comes back up later lol.) So I get the food and am on my merry way. I get to his apt and he is looking so scraggly and I am automatically turned off. I mean..I know I said friends, but sheesh, you look a HOT mess. So I thought that was a positive, I mean...he didn't even TRY to look remotely cute for me. So I walk in, put my stuff down and he is like, yu wanna peek at my daughter, she's asleep. I give him a shocked look, since I arrived about 30 minutes AFTER he told me she'd be gone....I looked anyway...cute little girl...but who cares? I didn't. I am no one's mother. lol. So yeah, the mother came to get the little girl a few hours after I got there, close to 2 am. I didn't like how he spoke to the baby. She is 4 and it was 12 am and he yelled GET UPPPP when he stood her up in the hallway. That just rubbed me wrong.
Either way, I am a little irritated about that fact and so I just sit down on the couch, give him my money, so I can get my green and I eat my chinese. Mind you, he has a cat, and I don't do cats. The cat came all over next to me about to jump up, while I was eating. I jumped up and screamed at it to get away from me lmao and it did! Either way, I wasn't comfortable sitting near that thing, so I stood and waited for him to come back. While I waited, I just looked around. His apt is the definition of messy. Sometimes messes aren't THAT bad, like the mess in my room. But HIS mess was like a million times grosser than my roommates' and his is DISGUSTING. The kitchen had all types of dirty laundry piled up, the sludge and crust was everwhere. The fridge looked like it stopped working 2 days ago, but still had some cold in it. The living room had basics in it, couch, chair, aquarium (that had no life in it, but was still on and looking crusty), computer, workout machine of some sort, and entertainment center. Along with those things, there were clothes everywhere, speakers, wires, more clothes in the hallways, it was just terrible. Like Goodwill threw up all over the place.
Well, standing there grossed out, I was kinda ready to go, lol...But he came back in shortly and we sat and watched V is for Vendetta. I was super excited because I hadn't seen it and I wanted to. So he sat on his gym equipment like a retard and I was on the couch and we smoked. He is one of the talk during the movie people, but not about the movie. And I was getting too irritated. He was talking about his mouthguard and why he wears one and blah blah blah blah blah...who CARES?! I looked at him like, i'm trying to watch a movie here! And he stopped. Ok, so then I looked over at him because I heard him smacking LOUD. This negro is over there eating my rib tips and complaining about them. UGH, seems like everything he did was rubbing me the wrong way. After the movie, he put in another one, Smokin Aces...which I kept dozing in and out on.
During the course of the movie, I got up to wash my face, piercing, and do the rest of my night routine. While in there for barely 3 mintues, he comes in and turns on the shower water. I was like, ok whatever...then it gets all steamy in there. I'm like, couldn't you wait to do that after I get out, it's not going to take me long. He said something about my piercing not being that serious and all I need to do is put a little alcohol on it. I looked at him like he was stupid. FIRST of all, it's a facial piercing and it IS that serious. And with no piercing should you use alcohol. I was like you know what, shutup! Then as I was finishing up, he hopped in the shower. I was like, ugh...we're friends, friends don't get naked and hop in showers in fron of each other. So at that point, I knew he thought he was getting some. lol NOT!
So then after his shower and after I was done getting ready for the night, I was sitting on the couch, trying to finish up Smokin' Aces. I fell asleep and when I woke, he wasn't in the living room anymore, so I got up and checked his room, where he was lying on the bed with a freshly rolled blunt. I was getting ready to get in the bed and smoke with him, possibly talk until we both knocked out, but as soon as I walk in, this fool jumps up and goes into the living room. I am like...ooook, so I lay down and eventually pass out...it's past 2 am at this point.
Well I wake up to him coming in the room...and there is sunlight. I roll over. This idiot jumps under the covers with me. I said...what the heck are you doing? He was like what and kept trying to touch and kiss me, I said STOP. And I rolled over and wrapped the covers around me. Ok, mind you the night before, I asked what time he wanted me to leave and he said whenever you want to. Ok, so after that lil him trying to be all up on me fiasco, he gets up and says, it's getting late, I need to pick up my kid. So i hop up, look at the time, its 6:30 in the morning!!! I am on FIRE. I put my clothes up, gather my things and then I say, do you want to come lock the door? He's like...what? I walked out, slammed the door and told myself NEVER to call this childish fool again! WHYYY couldn't he understnad that we were just doing the friends thing. Seriously. Sex is not that important that you should let it mess things up in your everyday life. Sex is just too overrated. What is the point of getting mad at someone that doesn't want to have sex with you? But just wants to be friends? Have sex with someone else if it's that important. I just don't understand men, so I will start attempting to.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
People in NYC like to think that they are big shots, even when they aren't. I can't stand that. That's one reason I cannot be in the fashion or PR industry, because I am not that kinda person and I despise those people. My friend "John" is turning into one of those people. I am constantly dissapointed with his new views on life, love and everything else in between. I befriended this fellow in college, he was one of the most level headed people I knew. You could always count on him to be there for you and give you the most sensible advice, even when you didn't want to hear it. Lemme give you a bit of background on him. He moved up to NYC a sememester before me, or was it a year...either way, before me. I was still in school when he was up here pursuing fashion PR. Well, there was a time that he wasn't working. His temp stint was up after 3 months and no one said anything about hiring him and he was jobless. He somehow went extremely broke...I'm not too sure how that happened because he was still temping after that, but he was going THRU it, as far as finances were concerned and just used to call me all kinds of worried up about money, himself and what not. As a good friend, I was there to listen, to coach him thru it, offer my opinions, or to just get his mind off it. You would think we would be as tight as Pamela Anderson's bikini top, but...after I moved here and he found a permanent position, he was MIA for a hot minute and a half...
I can admit that I am not the best person when it comes to keeping in touch and what not, but I am not the worst, either. Either way, he would hardly contact me, and when he did it was on some BS...like oh I met another man, oh I met another man, and another and another...blah blah blah! And yes, this may sound like jealousy, but you should hear the tone and the crap he says when he talks about all these men. Like the other day, we were talking and he told me about the third Mr. Wonderful. This one has this and that and this car and is going to buy me this and that. Like, wow. He was NEVER that materialistic. Sure we used to laugh and joke about sugar daddies, but seriously, this guy ranked money higher than sincerity in his list of what he wants in a man. He has sooo changed. I joked about him changing when he first got the job and he was like, no, I won't. I will be the same old me. Well newsflash! You have turned into those same bitches you work with. Excuse me...lol. But seriously, I have been too irritated with him lately. Chad suggests that I confront him on it, but I find confrontations scary and annoying and besides, nothing will changes, except nnow he would ill feelings toward me. Either way, enough about him. I have story to finish...about West Indian boo, lol.
So anyways, he smokes, I like that, so I went over. We started out watching a movie and smoking, slowly, he worked his way closer to me to makes his little moves on me. I appreciated that because not too many guys are gung ho about making the first move. So we kissed for a while...mind you....he had gotten MORE attractive to me because of his personality was growing on me. Either way, we were all cozy and what not and this man said something I have heard a few times before but never with this much urgency and wanting. He said, and I quote..."Can I PLEASE lick you..." *points to my vadge "right THERE." haha, I giggled a bit and said no....that's way to fast, blah blah blah, but by then my vadge started doing the talking..."girl shutup!!! YES, please lick me." That's what she said and that's what transpired. Now, I have had my fair share of sex on the first date, but I am growing tired of my whoreish ways. I want to DATE and not think about the sexual part of it until the time comes. I want my vadge to stop thinking like a man and just be a lady. I want to be demure. I want to be mysterious. I want to be hard to get. I need to learn to be that way. Someone teach me. Or something.